A Lifetime of Hallmark

My Stepfather's Secret Is a Confusing Explanation of Cryptocurrency

If Les, Kurt, and Jason are speaking faster, that's because world-jetsetter Les has somehwhere else to be that doesn't involve a cocktail party being thrown in his honor. So after some Blac Chyna news and a very very short Loughlin Report, the guys dive right into Lifetime's My Stepfather's Secret, a movie that takes a lotto ball machine full of plot points and spits out a mix of geology, murder, cryptocurrency, good old-fashioned gaslighting, and even income inequality (at nearly the  very last possible moment of the movie). The VERY last moment of the movie really got under Jason's skin in the same way that pouring sounds get under Kurt's, Before that, though, Kurt's mom (almost) makes a visit to the show not long after Les explains the many Carlys of General Hospital.

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Two Many Candace Cameron Bures Get Switched at Christmas in a Paul Schrader Hallmark Movie

Hallmark Channel gave Les, Kurt, and Jason a double dose Candace Cameron Bure in the movie Switched at Christmas. While the movie gave Les the "Twins Changeover" he so loves, it also gave the guys a lot of Candace Cameron Bure to keep track of (couldn't they have used a wig or something to differentiate them?!?!). But an over-abundance of Candace Cameron Bures is tempered by a San Diego Comic-Con version of Paul Rudd and a dog with top-of-show billing who totally got his job via nepotism as you enjoy a delicious Mr. Softee ice cream cone. 

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Husband for Christmas Didn't Air on Hallmark... or Lifetime... or Zeus TV

Before Les, Jason, and Kurt dig into their latest movie, Jason admits that he accidentally stole something from another podcast he loves (but it was done with love and genuine respect for the other show). Then the guys debate where to actually watch this movie since it didn't air on Hallmark or Lifetime. But A Husband for Christmas would never air on Hallmark (there's way too much highly illegal activity going on at Christmas time), nor on Lifetime (the plot twists are far too tame and not remotely tantalizing). Despite the presence of Vivica A. Fox, Eric Roberts (sans identity-hiding sunglasses), and a fake Idris Elba, even a completely unnecessary cameo by Jackee can't save this movie from the clutches of a nosy Santa with a soul patch and a leading lady who can't pronounce espresso.

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Vivica A. Fox and Eric Roberts are Not the Wrong Roommate, but His Sunglasses May Be

Les, Kurt, and Jason answer the Craigslist ad to move in with The Wrong Roommate, a Lifetime movie that is somehow longer than Titanic and Avengers: Endgame combined. After some Lori Loughlin, Blac Chynna, and Rob Kardashian news, the guys peel back Vivica A. Fox's questionable wig to find out what life would be like if colleges never had classrooms, if deactivating utilities involved a joint trip to the actual electrical grid, and if Eric Roberts ever took off his damn sunglasses (actually, we'll NEVER learn what that looks like). Plus, they discover that you can buy fake chloroform on Etsy, a good revenge-on-your-ex scheme should always involve an ex-con who puts his actual home address on the website he didn't need, and that there is such a thing as a William McNamara rabbit hole. 

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Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt find The Lost Valentine Who Is Not Gil Gerard

Les, Kurt, and Jason join the search party for The Lost Valentine, a Hallmark Hall of Fame film starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. One thing that was found: Gil Gerard's career! (Who knew Gil Gerard shaming could be a thing?) Kurt describes the east coast weather as a June Squibb (a surprising number of our episodes are tagged with June Squbb's name). The guys read serious "swinger dinner party" subtext into one of the scenes, learn that Captain Stubing was an abusive father, agree that public proposals are bad bad bad, and confuse one of the characters with Neo from the Matrix (or was it R&B singer Ne-Yo)... all while name-checking Lance Bass' movie "On the Line," Hoku, Don Ho, and the demise of the CableAce Awards. 

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This Psycho Stripper May Be a Piece of Meat to Most Women, but hes Has Feelings too

Jason would like you to know that the delay of this episode is entirely his fault, as he has been watching this week's movie Psycho Stripper on a continuous loop. And why wouldn't he? As Les, Kurt, and Jason will show you, this Lifetime gem is BONKERS: There are hot shirtless murderous men. There are characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with. There are straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops. (Context: these are two separate characters). There are alleged professional dancers that may or may not be doing the Curly Shuffle. If you like podcasts with rants about cake boxes, you've found the right episode!

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Morgan Fairchild Gives Us Devil Wears Prada Realness That is Perfect on Paper with a Makeover Montage

After Les, Kurt, and Jason discuss William H. Macy's most-unfortunate trip to the grocery store, they dive right into Hallmark's "Perfect on Paper." Or, at least, Les and Jason THOUGHT they were watching "Perfect on Paper"... until they realize they were duped. They finally found the correct movie, and Hallmark, you had us at the words "Morgan Fairchild!" But then you also gave Les, Kurt, and Jason a reason to start debating the height of King Kong, theories on abnormally fast-growing hair, the most violent scalding hot meet cute ever, and... A MAKEOVER MONTAGE that made Les VERY happy... but not happy enough to walk up a hill.

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Psycho Granny Sees Butter Knife Reflections, Tricks Judgy Undertakers, and Accesses Pee Syringe Jewelry Boxes

After Les, Kurt, and Jason talk yet again about Blac Chyna (#UnhealthyObsession), they dive into "Psycho Granny," a movie that (as Les points out) has everything you could possibly want in a Lifetime movie. By Jason's math, this Granny should be in her 70's, but damn she is STRONG. And pscyho. Like multiple personalities that talk to each other by seeing their reflection in a butter knife psycho. The Psycho Granny is such a criminal mastermind that she didn't even need to change her name as she was moving from state to state to avoid getting caught. Plus, the presence off a pee syringe jewelry box causes Kurt to declare "I don't mind pukin', I just mind poopin'. So go ahead and pour yourself a glass if diner wine (not dinner wine), despite what that judgy undertaker woman thinks!

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Beauty and the Beast's Beast isn't in New England, and that Accent Sure Ain't from Texas, Either

Sure, Robbie Benson can still get it, but even his presence can't save a movie so bad that Les, Kurt and Jason all pact to collectively enact a safeword to keep from watching any more of a movie they all agree is unwatchable. Les is mad at the lack of a makeover montage despite perfectly setting one up, Jason hates the unnecessary use of olive oil, and Kurt is infuriated by the fact that the main character is inexplicably unable to drive stick shift. Even the use of New England as a (possible) sexual fetish can bring this Hallmark movie back down to earth from the land of very very bad accents. 

 

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Kristin Chenoweth, Anna Chlumsky, and Josh Hopkins Get Naked and Break a Gucci heel

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver another Loghlin Report, this time diving into the news that Lori Loughlin's lawyer thinks there's a way out of the college admissions scandal AND that the scandal is being turned into a TV series. 

 

Plus, much to Kurt's surprise, this week's movie The 12 Men of Christmas isn't from Hallmark (the copious amounts of nudity and pre-marital sex probably should have been a clue that this was clearly Lifetime territory). Les and Jason also realize that they have corresponding characters in this week's movie, and that Kurt re-assesses his sexuality every couple of years... as one does. The only thing missing: an actual ending to the movie. 

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