A Lifetime of Hallmark

Beauty and the Beast's Beast isn't in New England, and that Accent Sure Ain't from Texas, Either

Sure, Robbie Benson can still get it, but even his presence can't save a movie so bad that Les, Kurt and Jason all pact to collectively enact a safeword to keep from watching any more of a movie they all agree is unwatchable. Les is mad at the lack of a makeover montage despite perfectly setting one up, Jason hates the unnecessary use of olive oil, and Kurt is infuriated by the fact that the main character is inexplicably unable to drive stick shift. Even the use of New England as a (possible) sexual fetish can bring this Hallmark movie back down to earth from the land of very very bad accents. 

 

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Kristin Chenoweth, Anna Chlumsky, and Josh Hopkins Get Naked and Break a Gucci heel

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver another Loghlin Report, this time diving into the news that Lori Loughlin's lawyer thinks there's a way out of the college admissions scandal AND that the scandal is being turned into a TV series. 

 

Plus, much to Kurt's surprise, this week's movie The 12 Men of Christmas isn't from Hallmark (the copious amounts of nudity and pre-marital sex probably should have been a clue that this was clearly Lifetime territory). Les and Jason also realize that they have corresponding characters in this week's movie, and that Kurt re-assesses his sexuality every couple of years... as one does. The only thing missing: an actual ending to the movie. 

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A (not-so-short) Update on Lori Loughlin and... Blac Chyna

Even though Kurt watched the assigned Kristin Chenoweth Lifetime Christmas movie, Les and Jason couldn't pull it together because Avengers: Endgame is 5000 hours long. So instead, the guys give some updates on Lori Loughlin and the college admissions scandal and end up learning about Blac Chyna, as one does.

 

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Ghosts! Time Travel! Parallel Universes! Rob Estes! Edge of the Garden!

Les, Kurt, and Jason endured "Edge of the Garden" starring Rob Estes ("Melrose Place" and "Silk Stalkings" and they have some THOUGHTS. Is this movie about ghosts? Time travel? Parallel universes? Eternal love?Who knows? Who cares? (literally nobody watching this movie cares, for the record). Les's recap of "General Hospital" (including face swapping, twins, and memories on hard drives) is far more interesting than "Edge of the Garden" starring Rob Estes. If you want a super-SLOW movie that lacks the charm of present-day Hallmark movies and seemingly lacks even less logic, then you came to the right place. Plus, Jason hatches a plan to create an "Edge of the Garden Cinematic Universe," Kurt realizes he's being Queer-Eyed (thanks, beard oil!)

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Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg will bring potpourri-infused pot to your Mommy Group Murder if Marsha Warfield is there

Les, Kurt, and Jason give the latest update on Lori Loughlin before diving into a movie about postpartum depression, new friendship, cheating, murder, and the wrong way to store orange juice and Marie Callender pies. 

Feel free to transcribe this podcast for use in your college thesis... or just bring Nancy Walker back from the dead to do a Google search for you.

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True Love Blooms for Sara Rue, Mary Tyler Moore, and Marie Kondo

This movie has EVERYTHING one could want in a Hallmark movie: A busy woman with no time for love. A high-powered man who threatens to take away the only joy in the woman's life holds. A premise that involves some aspects of DIY (hello, gardening!). A buildup to a big event in town (this movie has THREE of those events, BTW). The community rallying together. And a single somewhat chaste kiss. As the guys sort through it all, Les and Jason point out to Kurt all of the very blatant produce innuendo that he missed. 

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James Franco + Tori Spelling + Vampire (err Nightwalker) Lesbians = Not Really a Remake

James Franco could barely be bothered to show up on set for his 2016 "remake" of the Lifetime staple "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger." Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei return from the original, but little else remains from the original. Les, Kurt, and Jason also learn that this update has a dude named Bob, a whole lotta photo shoot montages, an overabundance of a Shakespearean play whose name Kurt and Les won't say (Jason'll say it: "Macbeth"), and a severe lack of lighting and Tori Spelling rowboating. 

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Tori Spelling Does Not Know How to Row A Boat, But Ivan Sergei Knows How to Beat Up a Mechanical Bull

On this episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle the granddaddy of all Lifetime movies: Mother May I Sleep with Danger! Except, it's not technically a Lifetime movie. But it is amazing, featuring Tori Spelling at her Tori Spelling-ist, rowing a boat away from Ivan Sergei's murderous cutting board and into Shelly Hack's heart. 

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The Legend of Lori Loughlin

Today the guys do a deep dive into the college cheating scandal . Hallmark fired Lori Loughlin for her involvement .  And the guys celebrate  Lori's exit from The Hallmark Universe  by also discussing her movie Every Christmas Has A Story . And trust me they have opinions .

 

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Royal Pains

Today the guys talk about The Hallmark Channel Movie Royal Ever After and this is one of the rare times that all three of them agree on the movie . Did they love it or hate it ? Listen and find out .

 

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