A Lifetime of Hallmark

Holiday Touchdown A Bills Love Story Does Not Star Tony Danza or THAT Chris Brown

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to talk about Hallmark’s Holiday Touchdown A Bills Love Story, but Les hasn’t even watched the movie that he made Jason and Kurt watch! But Les is somewhat forgiven after recounting his very long day. Then Jason announces that Kurt’s Turkey Trot 5K time was better than Les’, so Les is now forced to denounce all things Sarah Jessica Parker (though he only offers a full-throated denouncement of Sex and the City 2). Plus, in Blac Chyna news, there are rumblings she may be back together with Rob Kardashian! Then, it’s time for Hallmark’s latest NFL-adjacent movie which is heavy on cameos from former and current Buffalo Bills players and light on acting lessons for them. But with so many familiar faces for Bills fans and so many different rubbings in a car at night, this movie is charming in its propaganda to legitimize a stadium boondoggle. 

 

As the actors onscreen are living seemingly picturesque lives in the movies talked about on this podcast, it can also make this time of year especially challenging to navigate. If you or someone you know is struggling, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress by dialing 988. 

 

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All’s Fair from Ryan Murphy and starring Kim Kardashian, Sarah Paulson, Glenn Close, Niecy Nash, and Naomi Watts Gives the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts Their Biggest Hit Yet

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to fight the moment the podcast starts, and the fighting is livelier than any on screen in Hulu’s original series “All’s Fair.” But first, there’s no Blac Chyna report, but that’s only because Kurt has an update on Wendy Williams! Then, it’s time for the guys to (try to) unpack Ryan Murphy’s new series starring Kim Kardashian, Sarah Paulson, Naomi Watts, Niecy Nash Betts, and Glenn Close (with guest stars Judith Light, Grace Gummer, and Kate Berlant). Despite a stunning lineup of talented actresses, All’s Fair is built around Kim Kardashian, and it… would make the Park Ranger proud. But it’s not Kim’s acting that’s the main problem, here. The bigger issue is the writing that is both over-the-top and under-explained (unless we’re to believe that Kim is a super rich and successful lawyer that also may be driving Uber on the side). If you want a super long tangent about the over abundance of indentured servitude in sitcoms, than you have come to the right place. 

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The Boarding School Murders is The Facts of Life Told from Jo’s Point of View Where Blair Dies

Les, Kurt, and Jason catch up on Les’ time in the UK including many costume parties and many sheep. Plus, Jason couldn’t find orange hair spray, so he had to make Chucky a grown up gay, and Kurt has some very serious sounding news from the world of Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni. Then, the guys go down several Mr. Belvedere and Benson rabbit holes (since ABC had a whole comedy block devoted to butlers in the 80’s). They guys would rather talk about those 80’s sitcoms than The Facts of Life since Lifetime’s The Boarding School Murders is more like the BORED-ing school Murders with it’s sleepy sexless Facts of Life vibes, Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts roster of so many accents, and a poor-man’s Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes. 

 

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The Groomsmen Last Dance is One More Chance for Tyler Hynes, Jonathan Bennett, and B.J. Britt and other Hallmark Stars to Warn You Not to Fall for Scams as You Fall on Olive Oil In the Can

Les, Kurt, and Jason back and Les is bursting with enthusiasm! And why wouldn’t he be when he finds out Kurt is leaning into his brand as a cake guy (who still needs to try Plops, according to Jason). Kurt’s eventual one man murder mystery show definitely needs to include death by cake pop. Or perhaps the show could involve bruises, blows to the body, and a gun to the temple (all new details learned this week in the ever-evolving years-old fight between Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian)! Then, the guys head to the altar one more time for Hallmark’s The Groomsmen Last Dance (because they may not be able to have any more dances on that oily floor caused by a leaky can. The rules are simple: If you have a leaky can, you need to get remote work…. and they just happen to be hiring at David Copperfield’s Lamb Chop Museum. 

 

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Jonathan Bennett, Tyler Hynes, B.J. Britt, and (probably) a Smelly Phillie Phanatic (offscreen) are Back to Give The Groomsmen Second Chances

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded this episode on the day of the Full Supermoon which gives Kurt extra zing. He may have had a TON of zing back when his professor made him read Waiting for Godot (which would have been pure hell for Les). Plus, Blac Chyna speculates on possible career paths for daughter Dream despite the fact that she’s already recorded her first single (but the music has to be IN you, not ON you). Then the guys get hitched to Hallmark’s The Groomsmen Second Chances, the second of their (so far) really great trilogy.  There’s even an Aunt Gert-coded character in Ophelia Papodapolis, and we’d rather watch Gert and Ophelia cliff jump than watch the rock climbing wall bachelor party. 

 

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B.J. Britt, Tyler Hynes, and Jonathan Bennett not JonBenét Ramsey Walk Down the Aisle in The Groomsmen First Look

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and have a lot to catch up on: The passing of Polly Holiday and Robert Redford! The marriage of Oliver North and Fawn Hall! The Rapture! Then Kurt has some news about a potentially controversial acting role for Blac Chyna (will the Rotten Tomatoes score work against it?). Plus, the guys get hitched to Hallmark’s The Groomsmen: First Look, the first in a trilogy of movies about three Philadelphians that don’t have Philly accents! It’s also nice to see Hallmark nodding at shying away from divorce, and leaning into showing the couples actually getting to know each other. Will the guys watch the rest of the movies in this trilogy? Yes, and hopefully their new co-host Lamb Chop will have some opinions, too!

 

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From Sweden, a Pop Culture Catch Up is needed to know that Taylor Swift’s Taylor’s Are Upset Even if Charlie Sheen’s Aren’t

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene to catch Les (and maybe you) up on what’s been happening in pop culture while he’s been in Sweden. Les has a slightly aggressive nicknames for Jason and Kurt, so Jason gets overly aggressive while Kurt wisely avoids what could be a trap. Les is upset about the new Liam Neeson and Pam Anderson development, Kurt shares how Blac Chyna really made her money on OnlyFans, and Jason shares an epic clip of Jamie Lee Curtis on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. So put on your Butt Juice Underwear and chow down on some Dolly Parton Cheesecake!

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I'll Never Let You Go Until Tom Writes His Book, Carlo Takes Off His Shirt, and Emily Finally Gets Some

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back, and Kurt announces he’s about to do something to upset Les: he plans to do a show ON book. Ultimately, Les thinks it’s acceptable, but Jason thinks it may be a sex cult. Jason is quite confused, though, about this week’s Blac Chyna / Tokyo Toni news about Finesse2Types feuding with 50 Cent (or something like that). Plus, June Squibb is headed to Broadway, and both Lifetime and Hallmark are doing layoffs! Despite the layoffs, Lifetime delivered a solid move with “I’ll Never Let You Go.” Much to Kurt’s chagrin, it features an often shirtless antagonist (no complaints from Les or Jason, though), who is clingy AF in spite of the fact that the woman who had the affair with him may very well just be bad in bed while her boss is very definitely bad at business. If you’re doing M*lly while searching for airport gl*ry h*les, then this movie may be for you!

 

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Moriah’s Lighthouse Will Guide you to a Baguettes, a Secret Dungeon and Old Lady Not Linked to the Plot that May Shoot You Point Blank in the Face

Les, Kurt, and Jason are celebrating… healthy prostates (and Jason’s Birthday)! Blac Chyna is celebrating a healthy split from her fiancé. And the guys are collectively celebrating the budding romance of Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson! But, there’s thing not being celebrated: the Hallmark Movie Moriah’s Lighthouse. Despite the presence of Luke Macfarlane, this movie is a snooze fest filled with a bunch of likeable people that needed a better plot onscreen rather than the plot that happened offscreen in the past in a dungeon. With no Light Bright, no Lesbianism, and no consequences for smiley faces, this movie will stop you up like two loaves of bread. 

 

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This Shark Season is a Deep Blue Nightmare for Michael Madsen and for Us

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and felt it was important to honor the recently deceased Michael Madsen with a SyFy Channel (possibly) movie called Shark Season that ended up on Lifetime retitled as Deep Blue Nightmare. But first, Les has stories about his time in Chicago and about his new Jackie Collins tattoo! Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna reports who Tokyo Toni called “a serious zoo animal.” Then, it’s time to dive into the Deep Blue Nightmare where WE ARE THE SHARK in that we are just treading water watching and waiting for something to happen. The only thing Michael Madsen is watching are his cue cards, and the only thing the Navy guy is watching is new patterns of whale carcasses. 

 

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