A Lifetime of Hallmark

The Wedding Veil Inspiration for Regional Food Shaming is a Human Centipede of Friendship

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking down the aisle (shotgun wedding style) with Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Inspiration. But first, Les has to model the Hallmark sweatshirt he was gifted, and Kurt has some incredible insight into the dark underbelly of Zoom gaming with Imogene Coca. Then the guys give some quick takes on the Academy Award nominees before stepping into the foot fetish frenzy of some evergreen Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time for this week’s movie which features more eating than you’ll see in The Whale. Even with so much food, there’s plenty of regional food shaming that gets so bad that one featured restaurant is forced to write inside their own packaging that the food is trash. If that’s not enough shaming for you, there’s some legit HR violation-level shade towards Autumn Reeser’s outfits, even from Lacey Chabert and Allison Sweeney’s characters. So get over your veil cooties cuz this saga ain’t done yet!

 

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How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd, Steve Guttenberg, and Rosy Pussytoes

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie). Jason Dubray thinks the guys are providing a great service by watching Lifetime and Hallmark movies, and they guys thank him for the kind words by forcing him to watch Lifetime’s latest movie to be ripped from the headlines, How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd and Steve Guttenberg. It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Steve, and now he looks… just like the real life murder victim he’s portraying rather than the guy that starred alongside the Village People in “Can’t Stop the Music.” Steve’s bringing the energy to this movie by constantly talking to chickens while Cybill is… just resting her eyes until the two can engage in some proofreading a manuscript as foreplay. Put on your blue (not orange) jumpsuit, cuz we’re about to play a game of pin the slab of meat on Steve Guttenberg! 

 

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The Wedding Veil Expectations is not in the Same League as I Love Lucy Because it’s Filled With Clapper Jokes rather than Jokes about Microsoft Clippy

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking (very reluctantly) down the aisle with yet another Wedding Veil movie from Hallmark, Wedding Veil Expectations. Meeting expectations, this episode has Blac Chyna news about another Blac Chyna lawsuit. But the real focus is on Hallmark's latest trilogy that initially had Les excited until he realized that it was more exciting to hike with Markie Post. As you ponder whether Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton listen to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast, Les will be over in the corner perfecting how to pretend to be dead while watching this movie. If you can get past Jason's rage over lame jokes about the clapper, at least listen to this episode to hear the (actual) true story of how Kurt was almost cast in the Mekhi Phifer role opposite Eminem in 8 Mile!

 

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Are My Friends Killers Or Are They the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22?

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for a whole new year! 2023 has already brought Kurt a Tarot Card reading and the promise of getting laid… in June. Jason had a whirlwind New Year’s weekend, and Les got to wear some fabulous fringe! Then, it’s time to get back to business, just like Blac Chyna and another potentially violent (and potentially not true) incident. More critically, Les has a truly urgent June Squibb Report (huzzah!). Then the guys (rather reluctantly) attend the end of year showcase for the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22, aka Lifetime’s movie Are My Friends Killers. Sure the acting (and directing, and editing, and writing) are, arguably, super not good. But does that really matter when the entire premise of the movie makes zero sense and the highlight of the movie are a couple of Eyes Half Shut Bodies Fully Clothed Parties, because nothing will fulfill one’s wildest desires like seeing someone in some well-pressed Dockers. You’ve got two choices: either do some snooping so bad it insults Les, or take your 40-year-old self and pose as a college student trying to play Hackysack on the quad yourself. 

 

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The Ghosts of Christmas Always Will Visit You to Keep You from Watching the Punky Brewster Reboot

Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in holiday movie mode, especially with Les living out his very own Hallmark movie as he travels through Europe to do the podcast from the lobby of a Marriot in Bristol. ’Tis the season to be sexy, if you’re Blac Chyna in a white thong with a giant red bow flanked by two giant nutcrackers and a highly addictive wheel of cheese. Then there no time like the (Christmas) present to get a visit from Hallmark’s The Ghosts of Christmas Present. The movie decidedly does not follow the same story structure of most other Hallmark movies, and it’s for the better since it allows co-stars like Reginald VelJohnson and Lori Tan Chinn a real chance to shine. The movie also shines a spotlight on a 10-year old Hallmark movie that also took great inspiration from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, 2012’s It’s Christmas, Carol starring Carrie Fisher and Carson Kressley. And Jason definitely thinks Les should watch that (and countless other things) before watching the Punky Brewster reboot. Perhaps the most surprising thing to come out of this movie (besides the unnecessarily violently drawn out super repetitive and slow death of one of the characters) is who Kurt believes to be a better actor than Marlon Brando. 

 

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The Holiday Sitter Helps Hallmark Make Strides with Inclusive Content Even as It Shames Hawaiian Holiday Vacations

Les, Kurt, and Jason are just about ready for the holidays! Les is going to Paris and London! Jason just got back from New York where he did not see the many holes Les talks about! Kurt questions a log’s rights! And Les finally saw Home Alone!  Then the guys are ready to examine Hallmark’s first movie featuring a same sex couple as the leads, The Holiday Sitter. It stars Hallmark staple Jonathan Bennett, and it also realistically addresses what getting married means if you grew up gay. It deals less realistically with surrogacy (and the planning surrounding it), features a lasagna for Les, and a side character that may (not) be spent from constant self-pleasuring himself. All that, and we welcome the latest alumni from the Park Ranger School of Acting!

 

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Steel Yourself, You’re Not Gonna See a Unit in My Southern Family Christmas, but You Will See Bruce Campbell, Moira Kelly, and a Nick Cannon Advent Calendar of Babies

Les, Kurt, and Jason are bracing for the cold with Kurt’s extensive collection of crazy holiday cat sweaters, and Jason’s gonna need ‘em if he gets Busy in Brooklyn this weekend! Les needs to know who Bruce Campbell is (is he a journeyman actor?). Then after some uneventful Blac Chyna news, a bite of sushi in the bathtub with Zoe Kravitz, and a quick browse of the Skymall catalog, the guys are ready to celebrate My Southern Family Christmas. This Hallmark entry didn’t need its romantic storyline since it’s overflowing with never-fully-explained backstory about Bruce Campbell’s character. Did he have a drug problem? Was he in jail? Why are there seemingly so few black people in this town in Louisiana? If you like meat pies, lame icing fights, and have a Rick Moranis fetish, then this movie is for you! 

 

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Three Wise Men and a Baby and a QR Code to Buy Hallmark Wine

Les, Kurt, and Jason are now officially in their “tax” season as the holiday movie season has begun with Hallmark’s highest rated movie since 2019, Three Wise Men and a Baby. But first, a Margaret Colin (not Laura Kightlinger) rabbit hole, Blac Chyna Chyna news involving fondant, and Kurt learned about “sides.” Then, Hallmark cuts right to the chase with a shirtless man in a towel right at the top of the movie, so you know the office fun committee aren’t the ones planning this movie; if they had then there'd be a performance from a (non-drag) Britney Spears impersonator and the real William Hung with a special appearance from the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady. Our new more progressive Hallmark has pill popping, a very laissez faire Child Protective Services division, and Christmas Music remixed by Skrillex (probably). As you drink from your keg of eggnog, don’t forget to tell us you’re in a communist country without telling us you’re in a communist country.

Lindsay Lohan is Falling for Christmas in Netflix’s (Unauthorized) Sequel to Overboard and Unbreakable We Didn’t Know We Needed

Les, Kurt and Jason are breaking from the norm by analyzing a Netflix holiday movie, Falling for Christmas! It’s currently the number 1 movie in the world on the platform, also features Glee and Acapulco star Chord Overstreet and General Hospital and Melrose Place vet Jack Wagner! Plus The Young and the Restless vet Michael Damian is a producer, so there’s a lot to discuss! Jason has an idea for a reality show hosted by Yoko Ono! Kurt wants to get in the game of flipping houses… gingerbread houses! Les is treated to so very many montages! And all 3 guys are in agreement that Lindsay and Chord weren’t the couple REALLY at the center of the story. So throw a Yule log in the fire as we look for a hot pink blob in the snow! 

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Deadly Garage Sale Isn’t Profitable Despite An Office Evite Promoting Grossly Overpriced Pine Cones

Les, Kurt, and Jason (and Les’ cat) are ready to rummage through Lifetime Movie Networks’ offerings and find a good bargain in the form of Deadly Garage Sale. But first we find out why Kurt was shamed at a Cub Scout Meeting (thanks, Bobby Helms!), a new specifically violent detail is learned in the Blac Chyna Rob Kardashian saga (a thrown patio chair!), and we learn that Les culturally appropriated green face for Halloween while Jason wore an adult diaper, naturally. Then, it’s time to check out the deals at Deadly Garage Sale, a Lifetime movie that starts strong with a Sweaty Swarthy Frank Zappa! Les may relate a little too well to having to help someone navigate tech, but we can all relate to HOA’s from hell, even if the hellscape is littered with so very very many yard sales. (Sidetone from Jason: I write these episode recaps, and I’m angry at all of us for never addressing that we never actually witness a GARAGE sale in this movie because we never even see the inside of a garage!). Consider this your Evite to a Garage Sale in the Santa Clarita Valley, complete with a screening of the OnlyFans page of Rick Breedlove. 

 

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