A Lifetime of Hallmark

Either a Beej or a Finger Results in A Kidnapping in Amish Country

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back to talk about the biggest stories of the week, the protests in Los Angeles and Mariah Carey making a surprise appearance at The Eagle (you’ll never think of the song “Hero” in quite the same way). Plus, Les tells us about his experience at an official Hallmark FYC event and Kurt has big Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time to head to the farm in Lifetime’s “A Kidnapping in Amish Country” which features an epically bad beard, a villain whose nastiness has nothing to do with the plot of this movie, and a very considerate car thief. It may be idolatrous to categorize your dolls by their dress color, but it is not idolatrous to choose between a beej and a finger. 

 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Fake Royalty and a Black Hoodie is a Rich Person’s Rumspringa for Elsbeth

Les, Kurt, and Jason have been MIA for a month, so Elsbeth got on the case to find out where they’ve been (Bikini Katie says Hi to Kurt!). After celebrating the birth of Blac Chyna, the guys take a look at CBS’s Elsbeth. After Les has been singing the praises of the lady detective, he finally asked/forced Kurt and Jason to watch an episode featuring a Lifetime-esque black hoodie AND Hallmark-esque fake royalty. And a transnational terror cell of princesses. And least Elsbeth is rave ready at a moment’s notice.

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com 

Signed, Sealed, Delivered - To the Moon and Back is CSI: USPS with a Special Disgusting Delivery to an Ancient Well

Les, Kurt, and Jason fall into one of 3 distinct categories of people for this week’s movie: podcasters, people in an open MRI, and people in assisted living, huzzah! But the guys would rather talk about other things like Tokyo Toni’s 5 (or is it 6) marriages, and her ex John E. Depth. Mr. Depth may be poking at Les’ opening at Circus of Books (but not in the same way Maya Angelou poked Jason on Facebook). The guys do eventually talk Hallmark’s Signed, Sealed, and Delivered: To the Moon and Back which is apparently part of a series of movies that they have somehow never heard of (despite the series’ existence since 2014)… and they were not impressed despite the presence of Gregory Harrison and Eric Mabius. But when you have a bunch of seemingly coked-up postal workers who are DRUNK with power and Yoo-hoo (but not mimosas), all you get is some genuine government corruption and waste and some misguided advice from Kurt about where to defecate. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

The Sins of My Husband Include Not Filling Out a Real Estate Abduction Disclosure Form

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording after Les is distracted by husbands who hate their actor wives. Then we learn that Kurt wants to give the White Lotus lady boy speech at his class reunion and Les bout a book about veganism autographed by Linda Blair in the 90’s. Plus Jason questions why there is Blac Chyna news about why she doesn’t need to share news about herself. Then, it’s time to go down into the airtight bunker of Lifetime’s Sins of My Husband. Is the Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts handing out a bunch of PhD’s during this movie? Hell yes, and one of them is going to a Coolio-quoting gay Bela Legosi and his crank!

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient is Mindy Cohn on Two Ladders Trying To Figure Out Why There Are So Many Characters in This Movie

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start the show on their fourth try only to immediately get sidetracked talking about Haley Joel Osment’s arrest and Jason’s VERY unpopular opinions about The Breakfast Club. Then Kurt reveals that he’s made some progress with his quest to get Natalia Grace on the show (something Les is fully onboard with, too). In Blac Chyna news, Tokio Toni really just wants to make some beats, so she opens up her home and it doesn’t end well. Then, it’s time to set the table for Hallmark’s Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient, a movie which doesn’t feature Edith from All and the Family or Weezie from the Jeffersons but does feature Natalie from The Facts of Life (Mindy Cohn). Have yourself a snack, whether that’s Kurt’s Tater Tot Casserole, some disgusting chocolate zucchini muffins, or some popcorn immediately after giving yourself a manicure. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass Adopt Natalia Grace to Form a Good American Family That Enjoys Soft Meat

Les, Kurt, and Jason haven’t stopped referencing the Hulu limited series Good American Family about the family that adopted Natalia Grace, so this week they decided to actually watch an episode for the podcast! But first, Les started texting EVERYONE to let them know about his perfect colon (obviously), and Kurt has some Blac Chyna news… as well as some Donny Most news! Plus, Jason vision boards his dream lineup of guests for the podcast: an episode featuring Blac Chyna, Natalia Grace, and the Pornhub math guy. Then it’s time to spill some seed, rock out to Hey Soul Sister, and meet a young Zelda Rubinstein in the first episode of Good American Family. Let’s just say the title is presumptious. But what the show may lack in “good execution” it makes up for with the speed of Florence Griffith Joyner, and the strength of Bam Bam Rubble doing parkour whilst eating pancake burritos on the beach. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

My Husband’s Seven Wives Made a Tater Tot Casserole for Two Charming Criminals

Les, Kurt, and Jason start things off from a tense place because Les was not prepared for what he’d experienced watching Hulu’s “Good American Family” about the Natalia Grace / Zelda Rubenstein saga (which should have starred June Squibb). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her giving back after the Eaton Fire… but Jason questions exactly WHAT she (and the charity and Access Hollywood) are actually doing to actually give back (nobody knows). Then it’s time to walk the aisle with Lifetime’s My Husband’s Seven Wives which, according to the movie, opens a Pandora’s box of bigamy. Suze Orman Tip: Don’t have so many wives), but DO have access to a library that abruptly closes but is somehow always open. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, Inc.

Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, IncLes, Kurt, and Jason, quite inexplicably, forgot to talk about June Squibb on the Oscars, but do take a second to talk about Jason’t Hairy Sussex. Then, Kurt’s nightmares are haunted by smart little precocious girls thanks to Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass and Jason is thoroughly confused and intrigued by the animated movie about Charles Darwin, Jesus, and a (talking?) cat. Then it’s time to get into Hallmark’s Sisterhood, Inc. staring Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Wagner, and a twink but has nothing to do with joining a convent but is so efficiently filmed that it also could be used as foreign propaganda, B-roll for the show Severance, and effective footwear advertising. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Use Opera Glasses to See Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, and Greer Grammer Held Hostage in My House Making Hobo Dinners with Jason Dubray

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by friend of the pod Jason Dubray of The Shelf Shedding Movie Show podcast (@the_shelf_shedding_movie_show), and the guys all have OPINIONS about The Academy Awards (but somehow neglected to talk about the fantastic June Squibb bit). Blac Chyna has been sober for 900 days, and that leads to a discussion about apps for tracking ones sobriety. Les saw a public proposal (gasp) at The Eagle (double gasp) in front of a crowd that was there to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race (triple gasp). Then it’s time to go down the rabbit (K) hole that is Held Hostage in My House, a 2024 movie that aired on Lifetime in Canada starring Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, Greer Grammer, and a bunch of ants. So many ants. The main takeaway from the movie: there’s a kids version of Uber. Don’t forget to drop your hobo dinner recipes into the comments. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

The Wish Swap May Be Lacking Details, but at Least There is Breakfast Cake

Les, Kurt, and Jason were ready to rub the lamp, throw a coin in a fountain, or blow out a candle to conjure up SOMETHING from this week’s movie, Hallmark’s The Wish Swap, but so far they haven’t had any traction. Blac Chyna is getting traction for an appearance on Piers Morgan’s show, and Maya Rudolph is getting an apology from Kurt if Les and Jason have any say! Then it’s time to wish that something happens in The Wish Swap, but the movie can’t even produce simple details like a town where the movie is set, the last name of the host of a wildly popular television show, or an explanation as to why this show had no live audience. This would have benefitted tremendously from a good dose of Aunt Gert, but instead there’s a lassoing at a farm montage that even Les couldn’t get on board with. Somebody should have wished for another pass at the script. 

 

Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com