A Lifetime of Hallmark
The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

August 13, 2020

Les starts the show by trolling Kurt (and, to a lesser extent, Jason) about the fact that they have yet to see some of the most iconic movies of all time (and we're not talking Hallmark and Lifetime movies). We learn the exciting news that Les used his snooping superpowers to help his husband find some biological family members. Plus, Les and Kurt JUST NOW realized that the Blac Chyna Report intro that Jason produced largely uses Trump's inability to normally pronounce the word "China." And that's all before jumping into a new Lifetime Cinematic Universe that's anchored by The Twisted Nanny. If you're looking for a movie that gives a masterclass in strobe light stabbings, a-hole children, and gaslighting literally everyone in your life, you've found it along with the major news outlets covering all the CPS house calls today. 

 

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Check Inn to Christmas with Candace Cameron Bure and Hallmark’s (maybe) first LGBTQ+ Couple

Check Inn to Christmas with Candace Cameron Bure and Hallmark’s (maybe) first LGBTQ+ Couple

August 5, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason start this week's episode with the realization that the planet Neptune has some GOOD podcasts, and their Blac Chyna Report leads the guys to the realization that she should deliver for Postmates. Then the guys Check Inn to Christmas, Hallmark's 2019 Candace Cameron Bure holiday movie that makes poor Sassy the Cat go an entire movie without taking a dump (even on the Polar Express), giving new meaning to "squatting in the attic." We'd think that Karl Marx wrote this movie if not for the potential of holiday c**kblocking, and senior LBTQ+ couples, and a foster child who seems to be the only one that knows what's going on. 

 

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The Wrong Wedding Planner Blows an Angel’s Trumpet Into Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, and Pauly Shore’s Mutilated Cake

The Wrong Wedding Planner Blows an Angel’s Trumpet Into Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, and Pauly Shore’s Mutilated Cake

July 27, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by celebrating some great milestones for A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast: 10,000 downloads and counting! And there's more reason to celebrate: Hallmark is adding LGBTQ+ stories and actors to their movies (though we're pretty sure the latter was already covered). Then it's time to coordinate your viewing with Lifetime's The Wrong Wedding Planner. Yes, of course there is Vivica A. Fox, but this movie also has Jackee Harry! And the realization that Lifetime villians can do all of the marketing department's tough Photoshop assignments while they are filming! And a locksmith with a nice body and and even nicer house! Plus, decide for yourself if Vivica is a flat-earther, and spread the word by Xeroxing it for your 'zine!

 

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Check Inn to Christmas to Take the Polar Express Train to a Penis Shaped Inn with Al from Home Improvement

Check Inn to Christmas to Take the Polar Express Train to a Penis Shaped Inn with Al from Home Improvement

July 20, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome Lori Meeker, the Creator and Producer of Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: A Very Cookie Christmas, a super-fun immersive show that is like living and experiencing a Hallmark-style holiday film in real life! After the guys give Lori a primer on Blac Chyna, they all dive into Hallmark's Check Inn to Christmas, and Lori is right at home schooling the guys on pine swags. Les remembers this movie's male lead from a Prince movie (not of the Under the Cherry Moon variety, sorry Kurt!), and the guys (but not Lori) is upset that all the parents are alive and well in this movie. What this movie lacks in June Squibb, it makes up for in penis-shaped construction, 90's TV stars who are maybe letting it snow, and an allegedly gay guy making buttons. 

 

To find out more about Lori's show, visit https://www.meadowlarkfalls.com

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The Wrong Mommy and Sisqo Once Did a TV Pilot with Bob Newhart, but not Tracy Nelson

The Wrong Mommy and Sisqo Once Did a TV Pilot with Bob Newhart, but not Tracy Nelson

July 15, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason delve into one of pop culture's greatest mysteries: Where can one view the early 2000's TV pilot that Bob Newhart filmed with Sisqo (he of Thong Song fame)? We may never get answers to that, but, we do get some Blac Chyna news, some super weird Hulu recommendations for Kurt, and some more raves about Love, Victor. What we don't get in this week's Lifetime movie The Wrong Mommy is some Tracy Nelson... but we do get peak creep from Eric Roberts, Vivica in true boss lady mode, and Dee Wallace throwing down some master kickboxer moves! The guys will delve into all the hard-hitting questions like "does lip balm make you gay?" as they get an INCREDIBLY detailed explanation of autoerotic axphixiation and squeeze the public library's advertising budget for all the money they've got.  

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You’ll Swipe Left On Hallmark’s Matching Hearts Because Jackee Isn’t In it And Neither is Happy The Dog

You’ll Swipe Left On Hallmark’s Matching Hearts Because Jackee Isn’t In it And Neither is Happy The Dog

July 7, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason attempt for the FIFTH time to record the podcast (thanks, Mercury being in retrograde), and finally succeed when they learn that Blac Chyna owes her former landlord A LOT of money. The, we find out that Les has moved AGAIN, and that all three guys have thrown themselves into Hulu's Love, Victor. Which is to say the guys were looking for any reason they could to avoid talking about Hallmark's Matching Hearts, a pretty milquetoast movie that makes NBC's 80's dramedy Love, Sidney look like porn by comparison! (They had gays on TV in the 80's, who knew?!?!) Even if Jackee hadn't (presumably) accidentally turned this role down, the movie would still have needed the guys' ideas for a Zoom-inspired Hallmark movie because the business at the center of the (very thin yet expository) plot is not a good business model and the parents aren't even dead! Does our heroine become drunk with power? YES! Does her boyfriend like anal? Umm... MAYBE! Does Les go into an insane amount of detail about all the dead moms in Disney movies? You betcha! And most importantly: will Jason ever find out if there was a kiss at the end? Listen to find out!

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Watching The Wrong Neighbor a Second Time is Like Watching Michael Madsen’s Performance Post-Lunch

Watching The Wrong Neighbor a Second Time is Like Watching Michael Madsen’s Performance Post-Lunch

June 27, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to do something they've never done: revisit a movie after having already done a podcast about it. Maybe you weren't lucky enough to hear their epic 2019 episode about Lifetime's The Wrong Neighbor before it inexplicably went missing from podcast platforms and all of their computers. But it never went missing from their hearts, and the guys are now able to look at it with much greater context about the Wrong Cinematic Universe. But before they can even dive in, they discuss Andy Warhol's autobiography, the apparent swingin' sex lives of Dick Van Patten and Gene Siskel, The Forbes story about The Bold and The Beautiful's plans to use lifelike sex dolls to help film, and Blac Chyna's plans to collaborate with Nicki Minaj. With all that amazingness out of the way, even though we DON'T get to see Vivica A Fox, Eric Roberts, or (critically) Tracy Nelson, we DO get to (eventually) see Michael Madsen pre-lunch and post-lunch. We also get to see the producer's girlfriend, a security expert that has no idea what a tax attorney does (or possibly a chiropractor), and a newly discovered Lifetime trope of getting gussied up to visit a food truck. Go Grab your Lifetime-branded chloroform wipes, you're gonna need 'em.

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The Psycho Yoga Instructor Will Murder You After Savasana and a Smoothie with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Larry, Daryl, and Daryl

The Psycho Yoga Instructor Will Murder You After Savasana and a Smoothie with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Larry, Daryl, and Daryl

June 24, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Blac Chyna's philanthropic efforts are really benefitting anyone other than her, and discuss the possibility of having (maybe) forever lost one of their favorite episodes of this very podcast (and how they're going to remedy that). Then, they swan dive into this week's Lifetime offering, Psycho Yoga Instructor. The guys are understandably disappointed that this movie featured way more of the "yoga" than it did of the "psycho," but at least there's a montage... of SMOOTHIES!  Sure, this yoga class may be FULL of drug dealers, but at least there are plenty of 70's and 80's TV detectives on the case like the casts of Mrs. Columbo, Hart to Hart, and Moonlighting. And those detectives are all going to find out that Jason has been Googling "how to make chloroform" (for RESEARCH about this movie!), and he's using secret spy Julia Child's famous chloroform recipe. But, this episode's most important takeaway is: You get a pass for cheating IF it's done in self defense. 

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The Wrong Cheerleader Doesn’t Know How To Cheer, but DOES Know How To Snag a Shirtless 30 Year Old from Shank Manor

The Wrong Cheerleader Doesn’t Know How To Cheer, but DOES Know How To Snag a Shirtless 30 Year Old from Shank Manor

June 21, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason do their first Lori Loughlin report in quite some time as Les updates us on the rumor that Lori is being courted to join Real Housewives. The most intriguing development in perhaps the entire podcast's history is revealed... that Kurt is looking up the people whose names are mentioned in the "special thanks" portion of the movie's credits! And we have the Shanks and the Kiwis to thank (in part) for this Lifetime movie, The Wrong Cheerleader. Sure we have Vivica A. Fox in some spectacular tracksuits, but where the hell are Tracy Nelson and Eric Roberts? And why aren't we being treated to any actual cheerleader routines? Why is a high school student throwing her epic birthday party AT the high school? At least there's a lot of mace to go around, and a Lifetime of Lambadas to be had!

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In the Key of Love Unlocks An Adam Sandler Rabbit Hole to Scatman Crothers’ Cookies

In the Key of Love Unlocks An Adam Sandler Rabbit Hole to Scatman Crothers’ Cookies

June 18, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver what is not so much a "lost" episode as it is a "delayed upload" that was recorded almost a month before being posted, which is why the news of Kurt's ripped-from-the-headlines-adjacency is such big news to Les and Jason. We also learn that Kurt and Les' respective Covid-19 tests were conducted VERY differently (did Kurt go to an ACTUAL doctor?)... or maybe he's just skeptical, just like is his of the nana in this podcast's featured movie, Hallmark's "In they Key of Love." After Les brings attention to the fact that this may be the first Hallmark movie with an interracial couple playing a prominent role in the plot, the guys go on some about Poltergeist, A Star is Born, Adam Sandler movies, Bert Convy, tiny moving boxes, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and water balloons, so... you're welcome. 

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