A Lifetime of Hallmark
You’ll Need a Better Poker Face when You’re Dying for a Daughter and Her Day Old Chinese Food

You’ll Need a Better Poker Face when You’re Dying for a Daughter and Her Day Old Chinese Food

January 20, 2021

Les, Kurt, and Jason have a pep in their step which could be because they're recording this on inauguration... or because Les got extra relaxation time and almost missed the recording session. Or maybe it's because they have TWO Blac Chyna Reports (one from Kurt and one from Les)! Then, they get in the car with Lifetime's Dying for a Daughter, a movie that happily implements many of Lifetime's best tropes: Blatantly repeating important details for the viewing audience! Ridiculously oversized "hidden" cameras! Wine! More wine! Rufies! Epic amounts of snooping! Unhelpful detectives! Gaslighting! The only things it was missing were chloroform and Vivica A. Fox... but at least it had one of Northern California's top rated Gary Busey impersonators and a child actor so committed to her part that she was willing to actually let her limbs be broken for the sake of art!

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Lacey Chabert Spends Her Winter in Vail Eating Strudel of the Non-Toaster Variety

Lacey Chabert Spends Her Winter in Vail Eating Strudel of the Non-Toaster Variety

January 12, 2021

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to kick of their 2021 Hallmark movie viewing with a new one from Lacey Chabert, Winter in Vail. Kurt may be the most excited, though, since he did some social media digging into the lives of the movie's extras. We learn of a new Lacey Chabert specific Hallmark movie trope (the inherited property), which leads to the question: what would YOUR specific Hallmark movie trope be? Les would certainly be the Hallmark eavesdropper (and has THOUGHTS about how to properly do it). This movie is all about strudel, and it didn't even dawn on the guys until the very end that Lacey's character in Mean Girls claimed that her dad invented Toaster Strudel. Plus, Uncle Grady may not have been the one from Sanford and Son, but he may very well have once had relations with a real-estate agent named Bev (or maybe his best friend Carl). Les gets mad at the German inaccuracies, Jason hates the lazy LA bashing, and Kurt is now (falsely) claiming to represent Elisabeth Shue. 

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Fatal Fiancé Rings in 2021 with More Chloroform and a Dash of Arsenic

Fatal Fiancé Rings in 2021 with More Chloroform and a Dash of Arsenic

January 4, 2021

Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Les actually spoiled Cobra Kai's season 3 on his social media after Kurt put him on blast, but Jason doesn't think it's a spoiler if the information is used to promote the show (so no spoiler here: Elisabeth Shue makes an appearance). In Blac Chyna news, we learn that Rob Kardashian doesn't want their daughter Dream to twerk. And in our Squibster of June Squibb news, we learn that June is BFF's with Lupito Nyong'o, and that June used to have a career as a female Fabio. Then, the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime's Fatal Fiancé, a movie that may be the start of a new franchise (though is not, regrettably, part of a trilogy that also includes Fatal Attraction and the Whoopi Goldberg movie Fatal Beauty). Fatal Fiancé is packed with soap stars and insane amounts of exposition as well as the world's most clearly labeled bottle of chloroform ever. This is the perfect episode to listen to as your hiding in the backseat of a Hyundai Veloster! 

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A Christmas Carousel Circles the Drain and is Still Better Than King Ralph

A Christmas Carousel Circles the Drain and is Still Better Than King Ralph

December 29, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason question why Aunt Viv from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is going after Lori Loughlin (who's out of prison) and finally launch Squibbster, their long-anticipated update on all things June Squibb. Then the guys take a ride on Hallmark's Christmas Carousel, a royal-themed holiday movie set in the ficticious country of Ancadia. Or is it Anaconda? Or Arcadia? It's hard to tell with all those bad accidents and even worse toupees. It's even harder to tell when the royal family's assistant isn't doing her job resulting in a proposed rehearsed SOLO of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (aka a song as repetitive and non-solo-worthy as "Row Row Row Your Boat").  Pop a Molly (figuratively, of course, nobody's actually advocating drug use) and head to your nearest Courtyard by Marriot with your HR team because it's hirin' season!

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The Christmas Setup Gives us An Adorable Gay Couple, a Fantastic Fran Dresher, and Discussions of Cargo Shorts and Crippling Medical Debt

The Christmas Setup Gives us An Adorable Gay Couple, a Fantastic Fran Dresher, and Discussions of Cargo Shorts and Crippling Medical Debt

December 23, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason discuss the Blac Chyna of Christmas Past and Lori Loughlin getting out of jail soon (which is good because Kurt is concerned she may not have enough lunch money). Then, the guys unwrap the gift that is Lifetime's The Christmas Setup. Unlike the same sex couples in recent Hallmark movies, this one features a same sex couple as the main storyline, and it's so good that the guys think it may be one of the best movies they've every watched for the podcast (and not in the way that, say, Killer Contractor was great). Fran Dresher leads a cast that all give great performances (and Les doesn't think so simply because he partly owes his SAG card to Fran Dresher) in between promos for Lifetime's upcoming biopics about Wendy Williams, TLC, and Salt 'n' Pepa. We'd tell you more, but being bound by an NDA is exhausting, so you should just listen!

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Up on a Housetop Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

 

 

 

Christmas Comes Twice So Avengers Endgame Rules of Time Travel Can Make Us Cry

Christmas Comes Twice So Avengers Endgame Rules of Time Travel Can Make Us Cry

December 18, 2020

Les’ internet gave Kurt and Jason a chance to discuss, at length, the Dukes of Hazard Spinoff Enus, which leads to a conversation about Sheriff Lobo, which leads to a conversation about Nell Carter (obviously). Then we learn about the newest player in the Blac Chyna Cinematic Universe, Lil Twin (and the spelling of his friend’s name leads us down a very particular rabbit hole because Jason made the mistake of Googling. But it turns out that the Lil Twin news is the perfect segue into Hallmark’s Christmas Comes Twice since it stars Tamera Mowry-Housley, one of the twins from Sister Sister. Despite the name, the movie is not about twins but does involve time travel (a subject Les is convinced he’s an expert in because he’s seen Avengers: Endgame). And even though all three guys thought the movie was actually really good (and they all cried!), they still found plenty to dissect. Why does that ride feature strawberries? Why is Miss Nelson so lazy? Who needs 500 forks? Should Enus be rebooted in 2020? Listen to get your answers! 

 

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A Recipe For Seduction Never Gives the Ingredients to Duncan Hines

A Recipe For Seduction Never Gives the Ingredients to Duncan Hines

December 13, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered for a bonus episode to discuss Lifetime’s self-described Mini-movie, A Recipe for Seduction. Yup, this is the movie with a sexy Colonel Sanders played by Mario Lopez. The guys are well aware that they’re doing a recap of branded content, but they’re ok with it since they learn that the real Colonel Sanders wasn’t really a military colonel as much as he was the OG Blac Chyna of his day and Sara Lee may have been the gay BFF of Colonel Sanders (soon-to-be) wife. 

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Let’s Meet Again on Christmas Eve To Celebrate Some (Not) Billionaires and Hear Uncle Bernie Drone On About His Dead Wife

Let’s Meet Again on Christmas Eve To Celebrate Some (Not) Billionaires and Hear Uncle Bernie Drone On About His Dead Wife

December 9, 2020

On this episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the hilarious Jacquetta Szathmari, one of the hosts of the podcasts Hey You Know It (www.heyyouknowit.com @heyyouknowit), and there is SO much to talk about! The guys are excited about the Sexy Colonel Sanders in the upcoming Lifetime branded content starring Mario Lopez (which leads to the realization that there is probably a Colonel Sanders porn fetish). Rita Ora overshadows the Blac Chyna news with an unbelievable amount of shade towards her ex Rob Kardashian. Jackee is returning to soaps (though she's likely no longer Jackee at a 2). And, critically, Jaquetta asks: are the Masked Singers (and Dancers) furries?!?!

Then, it's time to dissect Lifetime's Let's Meet Again on Christmas Eve, a movie a couple that should never have broken up in the first place reconnecting as they are forced to plan a last minute Christmas wedding for the most budget billionaires ever who are easily wowed by pinecones and ill-fitting dresses but inexplicably like to (poorly) decorate things that are already decorated. What the movie lacked in logic it made up for in a clean set from the Covid crew (Kurt is a fan of their work) and lessons in money management. Is Jewish Bernie actually Santa? What movie was Jason's backdrop for a makeout session with an old girlfriend? Should everyone watch A Very Brady Christmas? Vivica, come defend your wig and find out!

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Christmas House Conjures Up Divorce, Same Sex Marriage, and an Uncomfortable Amount of Magic

Christmas House Conjures Up Divorce, Same Sex Marriage, and an Uncomfortable Amount of Magic

November 30, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back newly-certified Facebook Top Fan Lori Meeker (not certified as a fan of us, but of Hallmark Channel's Facebook page)! Lori's here to tell you about her new immersive postal play Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: Christmas at Home. Order your tickets to this truly cool and unique experience now at welcometomeadowlarkfalls.com, this is this is the PERFECT gift for someone that wants to experience what it be like to live in the world of one of the kinds of movies we dissect on this show every week!

 

This week, Les, Kurt, Jason, and Lori enter Hallmark's The Christmas House, a movie that is just as groundbreaking (for Hallmark) for prominently featuring a same sex couple (and kiss! and hand-holding!) as it is for saying the "D" word (aka "divorce"). Heck, they even throw in some demon sorcery (aka "magic") to all buy ensure a backlash from a bunch of people that likely don't watch Hallmark to begin with.  But those people are missing out on the most annoying whistle ever, lazy stereotypes about L.A., and fake British accent from the town of Fakington that turns out to not be fake at all. 

 

**Warning: this episode features the exploration of an Ann Jillian rabbit hole and an approximate determination of Blac Chyna's net worth. 

 

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Christmas Edition Revitalizes Print Journalism with Gingerbread and a Humpty Dance

Christmas Edition Revitalizes Print Journalism with Gingerbread and a Humpty Dance

November 23, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have Zoom fatigue, but they don't have Blac Chyna fatigue as Kurt launches into news of an epic feud between her and Wendy Williams. Sure, it would be tough if Chyna weren't making $20,000,000 per month on Only Fans (or is is $20,000), but it would be even more tough for Jason Momoa if he had to suddenly start driving for Uber. Marie Osmond may not drive for Uber, but she may very well be moonlighting as a limo driver in Lifetime's The Christmas Edition, a movie about the exciting and super relevant world of print journalism! Even if Santa Barista doesn't prove as integral to the plot as he could (should) have, he does send Carly Hughes to Alaska to make lovey eyes at a dopey poor man's Liam Hemsworth (or is it Val Kilmer and David Harour's baby?) and to meet a dude who may or may not be the Humpty Hump guy (or is it former RNC chairman and current MSNBC contributor Michael Steele?). Whether you're into gingerbread, more gingerbread, or even more gingerbread, you'll agree that this movie was not lacking in montages! 

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