A Lifetime of Hallmark
Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity

Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity

October 28, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason buckle-in for what they think is going to be a movie completely off the rails, but only moderately (barely) delivers: Lifetime’s Cheer Camp Killer, a diversion that’s only as drama filled as a long read piece about Blac Chyna’s mom Tokyo Toni. For starters, a Lifetime movie with the word “killer” in the title should involve some actual killing of unnecessary characters. And it should have Vivica A. Fox (*Vivica A. Fox did not appear in this movie, and neither did the killing of unnecessary characters). What we DID get as a very Kate Winslet / Frances Fisher in Titanic mother-daughter relationship, a few kids that were actually good at sneakiness, and a full cast of characters that were steeped in mediocrity. And a hot kinesiologist that prompts a 15 minute conversation about how none of the men were shirtless in this movie. 

 

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Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats

Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats

October 5, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason lament the essential cancellation of Halloween as we know it, walk of shame and all. (Poor slutty David S. Pumpkin costumes will have to wait until next year). They also offer huge congrats to our friend David Rosen of the Piecing it Together Podcast on his marriage… even if it takes the guys a second to piece together what the name of his podcast is. The Blac Chyna news leads everyone down a rabbit hole about whether it’s easier to transition to porn to so-called legit acting work or vice versa… and whether or not character actors can do it (picture Ed Asner naked, you are welcome). Then, it’s time to embrace the season of FALLmark and Falling for Look Lodge, a Hallmark movie bursting at the seams with the most white people stereotype ever: being really into autumn! Even with boring trivia games, an understaffed and underpopulated lodge, a super weird energy cake tasting, a sinister sister that would totally be a murderous stalker in any other movie, and a dude that’s into a turtle more than a woman (which is obvious to everyone but the woman), the biggest takeaway is that every Hallmark movie is basically Baby Boom. And that Linda Evans used to be married to Yanni. 

 

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Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards

Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards

September 23, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back in the dojo and all equally obsessed with Cobra Kai, especially the fact that Kim Fields is a presence in season 2 (or, as Jason calls it, season Tootie!). Les tells the other guys that Kim was on a season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta but left because she’s not ratchet (and Kurt learns what that means). After an in-depth discussion of the Chris Evans photo that won the internet (Jason doesn’t want a Hulk penis, btw, but would like a Thor hammer), it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s Deranged Granny. Starring 4-time Cable Ace-winning pescatarian Wendy Malick, this movie had all the potential to be completely off the rails insane, but plays it (somewhat) closer to the vest. What it lacks in overly absurd plot twists, it more than makes up for in experimental cinematography fit for a director’s reel. Malick’s character Barbara bakes! And cooks! And poisons! Though it’s not hard to be evil when your son is a Pansy Paul Rudd, and your daughter in law’s ex has a lightning quick digestive system, even if that doesn’t leave her enough poison to deal with her implied massive rat problem. 

 

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Love in the Forecast Benjamin Button-s Through A Once-Promising Career Towards a Mediocre Internship

Love in the Forecast Benjamin Button-s Through A Once-Promising Career Towards a Mediocre Internship

September 18, 2020

Even as Les, Kurt, and Jason come to the realization that they should be Hallmark and Lifetime movie consultants (and that Kurt should be a Blac Chyna consultant) they somehow missed the opportunity to say the phrase “when it rains, it bores.” Even without that profound piece of wisdom, you’ll still be treated to a very important discussion of sprinkles vs. jimmies before reading the temperature of Hallmark’s Love in the Forecast. If you ever wondered what it’s like to get fully stalked in Arkansas… in a Hallmark movie, by many people including a poor man’s Adam Devine, look no further than this movie which makes Les rail against people he finds un attractive. As our heroine Benjamin Buttons her way through a career by using a Rube Goldberg device to predict  the weather, Jason is collecting S&H Green Stamps to be able to buy the love the Lifetime of Hallmark fan army of dairy farmers. 

 

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Wedding Every Weekend Has Lesbians! Interracial Couples! No Dead Parents! Bears! Mr. Belvedere!

Wedding Every Weekend Has Lesbians! Interracial Couples! No Dead Parents! Bears! Mr. Belvedere!

August 18, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason dissect a pretty monumental movie for Hallmark because it rather prominently features a same-sex couple. So after diving into Blac Chyna's visit to a sex shop at the top of Jason's street, the guys dig into Wedding Every Weekend. No, the prominently featured lesbian couple is not the focus of the movie, but they are still just to the left of front-and center in a movie that Les thinks pulls out all the stops by Hallmark standards (though Jason thinks they've only barely slowed down for the Yield sign). If the lesbians, interracial couples and lack of dead parents aren't enough to entice you, maybe some incredibly long tangents about Jane Fonda and the absurd lack of priorities within the 80's sitcom Mr. Belvedere will help make you realize how flakiness is actually an essential and life skill. Why exactly are they having a wedding in the middle of bear country? Consider that question and Herbie the Love Bug's sexuality as you enjoy your cake from The Abbey... unless being alone is your jam.

 

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The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

August 13, 2020

Les starts the show by trolling Kurt (and, to a lesser extent, Jason) about the fact that they have yet to see some of the most iconic movies of all time (and we're not talking Hallmark and Lifetime movies). We learn the exciting news that Les used his snooping superpowers to help his husband find some biological family members. Plus, Les and Kurt JUST NOW realized that the Blac Chyna Report intro that Jason produced largely uses Trump's inability to normally pronounce the word "China." And that's all before jumping into a new Lifetime Cinematic Universe that's anchored by The Twisted Nanny. If you're looking for a movie that gives a masterclass in strobe light stabbings, a-hole children, and gaslighting literally everyone in your life, you've found it along with the major news outlets covering all the CPS house calls today. 

 

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Check Inn to Christmas with Candace Cameron Bure and Hallmark’s (maybe) first LGBTQ+ Couple

Check Inn to Christmas with Candace Cameron Bure and Hallmark’s (maybe) first LGBTQ+ Couple

August 5, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason start this week's episode with the realization that the planet Neptune has some GOOD podcasts, and their Blac Chyna Report leads the guys to the realization that she should deliver for Postmates. Then the guys Check Inn to Christmas, Hallmark's 2019 Candace Cameron Bure holiday movie that makes poor Sassy the Cat go an entire movie without taking a dump (even on the Polar Express), giving new meaning to "squatting in the attic." We'd think that Karl Marx wrote this movie if not for the potential of holiday c**kblocking, and senior LBTQ+ couples, and a foster child who seems to be the only one that knows what's going on. 

 

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The Wrong Wedding Planner Blows an Angel’s Trumpet Into Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, and Pauly Shore’s Mutilated Cake

The Wrong Wedding Planner Blows an Angel’s Trumpet Into Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, and Pauly Shore’s Mutilated Cake

July 27, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by celebrating some great milestones for A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast: 10,000 downloads and counting! And there's more reason to celebrate: Hallmark is adding LGBTQ+ stories and actors to their movies (though we're pretty sure the latter was already covered). Then it's time to coordinate your viewing with Lifetime's The Wrong Wedding Planner. Yes, of course there is Vivica A. Fox, but this movie also has Jackee Harry! And the realization that Lifetime villians can do all of the marketing department's tough Photoshop assignments while they are filming! And a locksmith with a nice body and and even nicer house! Plus, decide for yourself if Vivica is a flat-earther, and spread the word by Xeroxing it for your 'zine!

 

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Check Inn to Christmas to Take the Polar Express Train to a Penis Shaped Inn with Al from Home Improvement

Check Inn to Christmas to Take the Polar Express Train to a Penis Shaped Inn with Al from Home Improvement

July 20, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome Lori Meeker, the Creator and Producer of Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: A Very Cookie Christmas, a super-fun immersive show that is like living and experiencing a Hallmark-style holiday film in real life! After the guys give Lori a primer on Blac Chyna, they all dive into Hallmark's Check Inn to Christmas, and Lori is right at home schooling the guys on pine swags. Les remembers this movie's male lead from a Prince movie (not of the Under the Cherry Moon variety, sorry Kurt!), and the guys (but not Lori) is upset that all the parents are alive and well in this movie. What this movie lacks in June Squibb, it makes up for in penis-shaped construction, 90's TV stars who are maybe letting it snow, and an allegedly gay guy making buttons. 

 

To find out more about Lori's show, visit https://www.meadowlarkfalls.com

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The Wrong Mommy and Sisqo Once Did a TV Pilot with Bob Newhart, but not Tracy Nelson

The Wrong Mommy and Sisqo Once Did a TV Pilot with Bob Newhart, but not Tracy Nelson

July 15, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason delve into one of pop culture's greatest mysteries: Where can one view the early 2000's TV pilot that Bob Newhart filmed with Sisqo (he of Thong Song fame)? We may never get answers to that, but, we do get some Blac Chyna news, some super weird Hulu recommendations for Kurt, and some more raves about Love, Victor. What we don't get in this week's Lifetime movie The Wrong Mommy is some Tracy Nelson... but we do get peak creep from Eric Roberts, Vivica in true boss lady mode, and Dee Wallace throwing down some master kickboxer moves! The guys will delve into all the hard-hitting questions like "does lip balm make you gay?" as they get an INCREDIBLY detailed explanation of autoerotic axphixiation and squeeze the public library's advertising budget for all the money they've got.  

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