A Lifetime of Hallmark
Watching The Wrong Neighbor a Second Time is Like Watching Michael Madsen’s Performance Post-Lunch

Watching The Wrong Neighbor a Second Time is Like Watching Michael Madsen’s Performance Post-Lunch

June 27, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to do something they've never done: revisit a movie after having already done a podcast about it. Maybe you weren't lucky enough to hear their epic 2019 episode about Lifetime's The Wrong Neighbor before it inexplicably went missing from podcast platforms and all of their computers. But it never went missing from their hearts, and the guys are now able to look at it with much greater context about the Wrong Cinematic Universe. But before they can even dive in, they discuss Andy Warhol's autobiography, the apparent swingin' sex lives of Dick Van Patten and Gene Siskel, The Forbes story about The Bold and The Beautiful's plans to use lifelike sex dolls to help film, and Blac Chyna's plans to collaborate with Nicki Minaj. With all that amazingness out of the way, even though we DON'T get to see Vivica A Fox, Eric Roberts, or (critically) Tracy Nelson, we DO get to (eventually) see Michael Madsen pre-lunch and post-lunch. We also get to see the producer's girlfriend, a security expert that has no idea what a tax attorney does (or possibly a chiropractor), and a newly discovered Lifetime trope of getting gussied up to visit a food truck. Go Grab your Lifetime-branded chloroform wipes, you're gonna need 'em.

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The Psycho Yoga Instructor Will Murder You After Savasana and a Smoothie with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Larry, Daryl, and Daryl

The Psycho Yoga Instructor Will Murder You After Savasana and a Smoothie with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Larry, Daryl, and Daryl

June 24, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Blac Chyna's philanthropic efforts are really benefitting anyone other than her, and discuss the possibility of having (maybe) forever lost one of their favorite episodes of this very podcast (and how they're going to remedy that). Then, they swan dive into this week's Lifetime offering, Psycho Yoga Instructor. The guys are understandably disappointed that this movie featured way more of the "yoga" than it did of the "psycho," but at least there's a montage... of SMOOTHIES!  Sure, this yoga class may be FULL of drug dealers, but at least there are plenty of 70's and 80's TV detectives on the case like the casts of Mrs. Columbo, Hart to Hart, and Moonlighting. And those detectives are all going to find out that Jason has been Googling "how to make chloroform" (for RESEARCH about this movie!), and he's using secret spy Julia Child's famous chloroform recipe. But, this episode's most important takeaway is: You get a pass for cheating IF it's done in self defense. 

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The Wrong Cheerleader Doesn’t Know How To Cheer, but DOES Know How To Snag a Shirtless 30 Year Old from Shank Manor

The Wrong Cheerleader Doesn’t Know How To Cheer, but DOES Know How To Snag a Shirtless 30 Year Old from Shank Manor

June 21, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason do their first Lori Loughlin report in quite some time as Les updates us on the rumor that Lori is being courted to join Real Housewives. The most intriguing development in perhaps the entire podcast's history is revealed... that Kurt is looking up the people whose names are mentioned in the "special thanks" portion of the movie's credits! And we have the Shanks and the Kiwis to thank (in part) for this Lifetime movie, The Wrong Cheerleader. Sure we have Vivica A. Fox in some spectacular tracksuits, but where the hell are Tracy Nelson and Eric Roberts? And why aren't we being treated to any actual cheerleader routines? Why is a high school student throwing her epic birthday party AT the high school? At least there's a lot of mace to go around, and a Lifetime of Lambadas to be had!

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In the Key of Love Unlocks An Adam Sandler Rabbit Hole to Scatman Crothers’ Cookies

In the Key of Love Unlocks An Adam Sandler Rabbit Hole to Scatman Crothers’ Cookies

June 18, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver what is not so much a "lost" episode as it is a "delayed upload" that was recorded almost a month before being posted, which is why the news of Kurt's ripped-from-the-headlines-adjacency is such big news to Les and Jason. We also learn that Kurt and Les' respective Covid-19 tests were conducted VERY differently (did Kurt go to an ACTUAL doctor?)... or maybe he's just skeptical, just like is his of the nana in this podcast's featured movie, Hallmark's "In they Key of Love." After Les brings attention to the fact that this may be the first Hallmark movie with an interracial couple playing a prominent role in the plot, the guys go on some about Poltergeist, A Star is Born, Adam Sandler movies, Bert Convy, tiny moving boxes, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and water balloons, so... you're welcome. 

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Parker Lewis Wants to Marry The Wrong Stepmother Even Though She Isn’t Vivica A. Fox or Tracy Nelson

Parker Lewis Wants to Marry The Wrong Stepmother Even Though She Isn’t Vivica A. Fox or Tracy Nelson

May 20, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason seem to side with (shudder) The Kardashians in the latest Blac Chyna news before the guys start swiping right on Lifetime's The Wrong Stepmother, a movie that may have been filmed on the DL during many real estate open houses (despite using many previously-seen Lifetime movie homes). What the movie lacks in screen time for Vivica A. Fox, it more than makes up for in snooping (Kurt thinks, correctly, that Les  should give a Ted Talk on the subject). But that leads the guys to wonder what snooping looks like during our current pandemic... and to Les and Jason having to explain the magic that is Domino's Pizza Tracker and Kurt's desire for it to cover the ENTIRE life of the pizza (including after consumption). As they feast on the movie's exposition, provided "wonderfully" by the Exposition Twink, they discuss the roles they've lost to more famous people, film shoot PROPS vs. CATERING (and the grey area in between), and the complicated long term planning that clearly went into visiting a coffee truck. 

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The Killer Prom Queen is a Moira Rose Impression Taking Advantage of Rent Control

The Killer Prom Queen is a Moira Rose Impression Taking Advantage of Rent Control

May 11, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason kick off their latest episode by contemplating Zoom sex, the Meth Gala, and the debate over whether Blac Chyna is now 32 or 33 years old. Then, they dive into Lifetime's Killer Prom, a movie about a woman from Philadelphia who sounds like she's either intoxicated or doing a Moira Rose (Schitt's Creek) impression and her quest to pay her insanely cheap (even by rent control standards) $500 a month Hollywood apartment. That quest involves the murder (duh) of someone who can't swim yet went on a boat without a lifejacket AND who seemingly owns a pretty awesome pool, the trend of proposals, and the mixology of drinking Castrol oil, antifreeze, and Fireball. All drinks could lead to a funeral, but you'll save money on it by doing these made-for-TV tricks... even if your life is shortened because you didn't graduate until you were 48 years old and are dark web-curious. 

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It’s Wedding Bells for Danica McKellar, but all Bruce Boxleitner Got Was This Ponzi Scheme Greeting Card from Hallmark

It’s Wedding Bells for Danica McKellar, but all Bruce Boxleitner Got Was This Ponzi Scheme Greeting Card from Hallmark

May 5, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to take on the Horniest Hallmark Movie ever (by Hallmark standards), but first we find out that Kurt has finally watched the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix... and a video of Blac Chyna twerking on OnlyFans. This leads Jason to the realization that pole dancing is way easier in outer space (no gravity!). All this talk of porn sites and pole dancing makes the guys realize it's time to talk about a Hallmark movie, 2016's Wedding Bells starring Danica McKellar. Luckily, Kurt thinks he's ok with Danica now after not wanting to give Danica her due on an earlier episode of this podcast ("Christmas at Dollywood is a Chance to Debate the Merits of Peppermint vs. Wint-O-Green"). We find out that Danica's character had a disturbing childhood filled with diet foods and (we assume) a philandering father, but not as disturbing as her love interest whose dad is torn between being played by Bruce Boxleitner (The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) and Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers). Les is not fulfilled by the movies many many montages as none of them include dressing up and twirling, so the guys all realize that they need to find the zen of Petticoat Junction... followed by 20 minutes of nationally televised dry humping. 

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My Nightmare Landlord, My BFF Young Peter Frampton, and my Ex BF Young Crispin Glover

My Nightmare Landlord, My BFF Young Peter Frampton, and my Ex BF Young Crispin Glover

April 24, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason have OPINIONS about (famed?) puzzle maker Bonnie Morris. And Vajazzling. And Zoom meetings with goats. They also have opinions about Lifetime's My Nightmare Landord, a movie that lays out plenty of nonsensical information, even by A Lifetime of Hallmark standards.  Kurt and Jason also get some deeper insight into Les' Moral Code of Snooping™️ and they realize that this movie's stalker is being a bit extra... especially when it's revealed that he wants to see a play based on The Sun Also Rises. But, with the worst police officer ever on the case, you can be sure that someone is gonna stick a toothbrush up their butt while they steal your furniture. 

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Fashionably Yours Gives You Lauren’s Cookies and Some Marie Kondo Realness

Fashionably Yours Gives You Lauren’s Cookies and Some Marie Kondo Realness

April 13, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason check in on the PUBIC health crisis before learning that Robert Redford may have once talked smack about Kurt. Perhaps Robert and Kurt could smooth things over with a FaceTime call, as soon as the guys finish the one they plan to do with Blac Chyna (using her layaway plan, obviously). By that time they will be ready to dig into this week's movie, Hallmark's Fashionably Yours which provides a VERY different view of the fashion industry than last week's Lifetime offering. That doesn't stop the guys from making innuendo about Lauren's cookies (SO many cookie innuendo crumbs are sprinkled throughout the episode). Plus, Les teaches us about what a soap opera "talk to" is, Jason thinks the diner owner stands uncomfortably close (even too close for pre COVID-19 times), and Kurt took time to make note of a character for which he had no time. Chow down on your cream cheese hot dog and see if YOU think this is our dirtiest episode yet. 

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Designed to Kill aka Fatal Fashion aka Deadly Runway aka 80’s Teen Movie Archetypes with David Rosen of Piecing it Together

Designed to Kill aka Fatal Fashion aka Deadly Runway aka 80’s Teen Movie Archetypes with David Rosen of Piecing it Together

April 8, 2020
 
Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by a very game David Rosen from the podcast Piecing it Together. But, before they dig into the most confusing Blac Chyna story ever, they take a minute to discuss Netflix's The Platform, a movie that is more about classicism than it is about dietary restrictions. Then the guys take a stab (pun intended) at Lifetime's Designed to Kill... once known as Netflix's Fatal Fashion... also known as Deadly Runway... this movie has more names than Sean Combs! It may not have originally been produced for Lifetime, but it sure hits all of Lifetime's sweet spots: a dangerous cold open featuring an unhinged antihero, completely nonsensical plot twists, people that don't know how to do a Google search before it's too late, lots of skin, and so many makeover montages (making Les INCREDIBLY happy). Sure, the high school archetypes are straight out of an 80's teen movie, but even Biff from Back to the Future doesn't know what a Blowtard is. Is the 54 St. Posse mad that they're being disparaged by a deranged photographer / high school teacher? Is $1000 a paltry sum for an Elle magazine photo shoot? Is the guy playing the principal actually a porn star moonlighting as a legit actor? Have Alexa play your murder playlist as you chow down on that extra candy bar in your purse while you watch this gem to find out!
 
You can listen to David's podcast Piecing it Together here: https://www.piecingpod.com/
And find him on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/piecingpod

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