A Lifetime of Hallmark

BONUS Pop Culture Pop-Up: ChristmasCon 2019

In this bonus episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason skip watching a movie in favor of dissecting ChristmasCon, the huge Hallmark fan celebration that took place in New Jersey earlier this month. With Kurt reporting from a La Quinta Fitness Center Broadcast Center in the middle of America, we learn that he doesn't like stationary eating, that the ChristmasCon floor plan is a lot like a haphazard Idea, and that "Song of the South" is still super-racist. Plus, a debate wages over how many birthday parties is too many, we learn that Les voted for Sanjaya on American Idol, and that Lori Loughlin missed an opportunity to stage a counter fan event called LoughlinCon. 

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My Wife's Secret Life Gives America a Reason for Grindr's Faceless Torso Photos

Les, Kurt, and Jason recap their Halloweens and talk (as always) about Blac Chyna before dissecting the Lifetime movie "My Wife's Secret Life." Things you need to know about the movie: it's not nearly as off-the-charts crazy as we hoped, the husband in the film is a whiny bitch, and the guys aren't sure if the plot is based on a true story or not. The movie does open up some pretty solid debates: Dieting vs. Cheating, Laurel vs. Yanni, and Aerosmith vs. Aerospace. Plus, how many theme parks are too many? That's just one of many topics that could be covered on a good lady chat show.

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The Good Witch Travels via a Pumpkin Kayak Careening Towards Catherine Bell and Jamie Denton

This Halloween, Les Kurkendaal-Boo-ret, Kurt Frightzpatrick, and Jason Boo-wers tackle Les' biggest fear: watching a Hallmark movie he didn't like (even though he's the one that picked it). That movie is "Good Witch: Curse from a Rose," and it's not really a movie as much an episode of a long-running series neither Kurt nor Les knew existed. Before diving into the movie, though, the guys celebrate Felicity Huffman's early release from prison and ponder what's next from Lori Loughlin (with help from Wendy Williams seemingly large network of prison sources). Kurt has some Blac Cyna news (obviously), and then they get into the movie which was not quite the witch movie Les was hoping for despite letting one weigh in on the sex appeal of both Eric Roberts and Frankenstien's monster. The movie is certainly no Bewitched starring Elizabeth Montgomery, nor is it Bewitched starring Elizabeth Warren. But it does manage to include a kid that repeatedly c**kblocks his dad, a search for a Loch Ness monster-type creature, and Jason's new favorite YouTube obsession: PEOPLE KAYAKING IN PUMPKINS. Wonder no more if aromatherapy is witchcraft because the answer is YES.

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FAKE Lori Loughlin and FAKE Felicity Huffman Gaslight Their Kids Into The College Admissions Scandal

Les is excited that Christmas movies are coming soon, Jason is excited to watch Killer Contractor, and Kurt is excited by the prospect of murdering someone by not building a structure to code. Then, before doing a breakdown of this week's movie, the guys objectify some presidential candidates, as one does. And finally, they get to The College Admissions Scandal, Lifetime's Ripped-from-the-headlines take on the scandal that is the very bread and butter of this podcast. But make no mistake, this is totally not about Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, William H. Macy, Olivia Jade and Rick Singer. Except it really totally IS about them (especially Rick Singer), only with different names and some un-good proof of soccer. Because you're gay for the stay of this episode, you'll find out that Kurt witnessed Cousin Larry's anger at an un-muted cell phone, Les did NOT do time with Heidi Fleiss, Jason almost talked a friend in declaring mutiny on Disney's The Jungle Cruise, and all three weigh the differences between polyamory and polygamy!

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A Brush with Love, A Brush with a Vision Board, and A Brush with Donuts

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after Kurt's return from Europe where he neglected to look into the Louvre's backpack policy and was shamed for his poor joint-rolling skills! In the Blac Chyna Report, the guys find out that her date was feasting on more than the bottomless bread sticks, and in the Loughlin Report, Jason questions why Kurt isn't report live from Boston as planned. After Les reveals his Halloween costume idea (Sexy Whistleblower), they jump into the discussion about Hallmark's "A Brush with Love," another film in the Peter Deluise Cinematic Universe featuring vision boards (so many vision boards, seriously, they can't stop talking about them!), donuts (so many donuts, seriously, they can't stop talking about them), a woman that should've been played by Jackee but wasn't. Note to self: don't ever throw paint on Les. 

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Jackee + Jane Austen (and Cockroach) = Pride and Prejudice Atlanta

​On this episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle a Lifetime update of a Jane Austen book... what could go wrong? But first, Les Fitzpatrick is tired, Kurt Kurkendall Barrett is marveled at the omnipresence of ads for walk-in bathtubs (especially the one used by Eric Roberts) and Kurt's arcane reference of Cherry Jones lead to Jason's only-in-LA story of taking photos with Cherry's Emmy inside is own home. They finally dive into Pride and Prejudice Atlanta, a Lifetime update of the Jane Austen book set in present day and starring Jackee, Reginald VelJohnson, and Rudy and Cockroach from The Cosby Show. The source material has a lot of characters to navigate for what is typically mindless Lifetime fare, but the creative team stuck the landing and delivered an actually good movie. Sure, the it could've benefited from Shirley Jones pulling up in the Partridge Family bus whilst listening to her favorite radio program Drucilla and Cockroach in the Morning, but it still gives the guys opportunities to reference Crocodile Dundee and JFK Jr.'s many attempts at passing the Bar Exam... and to find out that Kurt once saw Danger Mouse without his head!

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This Christmas with a Prince You're Getting a Secret Broken Leg and Backstage Passes to Meet Genevieve Fisher

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver some Blac Chyna and Lori Loughlin news, but they waste no time dissecting Hallmark's Christmas with a Prince, a movie so bad that Les didn't care about the missed opportunity for a makeover montage, Kurt's wish of the movie ending came true just in time, and Jason made a face after a line of dialogue so cringe-worthy that you've got to see it to believe it (on Instagram @lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast). But despite it's shortcomings, this movie takes giant swings for a Hallmark movie, most notably its level of hordoggedness (including a round of TRUTH OR DARE between adults and children cancer patients). So take a single sip of warm bear, kick up your broken leg that nobody's allowed to know about, and try to enjoy the ensuing career defining performance of a singer you've likely never heard of unless you're Canadian. 

 

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Vivica A. Fox Gets Stalked by The Wrong Child and His Insanely Large (Secret) Cameras

Les and Kurt regale Jason (and all of us) with stories of their very eventful week in Indianapolis and the consequences of wearing a tiny backpack into a museum stacked with overzealous security. The guys also offer a brief Blac Cyna report of her real first name (hint: it's not as suspenseful a reveal as last week's Gilligan bombshell). Then, they finally welcome Lifetime's The Wrong Child into your homes, though it takes him a while to get into the house because he's walking so. very. slow. You'd walk slow, too, if you had Paul Lynde as your white trash dad! But at least it will give you time to do some serious financial planning (what else is Lifetime for, after all?), learn about secret DNA testing best practices, and thoughtful vandalism that won't cause any damage to your Airbnb. The one still answered question: how does one bring an entire hidden camera crew to the scene of a crime if one doesn't have a car? Only Jody from Family Affair knows. 

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Holly Robinson Peete and Rick Fox Help Al Roker Solve a Murder

Les, Kurt and Jason discuss Kurt and Les's synced-up deodorant cycles as they deliver an important Blac Cyna report, followed by an important Loughlin report, followed by the most important report ever: the one where we (collectively, as a society) learn Gilligan's first name!!! Then, the guys jump into this week's movie "Morning Show Mysteries: A Murder in Mind" featuring Holly Robinson Peete and Rick Fox and produced by Today Show weatherman and apparent part-time detective Al Roker. But who needs Al Roker on the case when A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast has lady detective Les Kurkendaal-Barrett snooping and sleuthing? As any good lady detective will tell you, you can't confess to being at the scene of a crime until you run all of your errands which include giving Rick Fox a chocolate fountain filled with cake pops (not a euphemism). It is only then that the weirdly friendly henchman can give you all of the exposition in the world and still leave everyone confused.

 

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My Stepfather's Secret Is a Confusing Explanation of Cryptocurrency

If Les, Kurt, and Jason are speaking faster, that's because world-jetsetter Les has somehwhere else to be that doesn't involve a cocktail party being thrown in his honor. So after some Blac Chyna news and a very very short Loughlin Report, the guys dive right into Lifetime's My Stepfather's Secret, a movie that takes a lotto ball machine full of plot points and spits out a mix of geology, murder, cryptocurrency, good old-fashioned gaslighting, and even income inequality (at nearly the  very last possible moment of the movie). The VERY last moment of the movie really got under Jason's skin in the same way that pouring sounds get under Kurt's, Before that, though, Kurt's mom (almost) makes a visit to the show not long after Les explains the many Carlys of General Hospital.

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