A Lifetime of Hallmark

The Wrong Housesitter Should've Hired The Wrong Housekeeper to Keep Away Vivica A. Fox, Tracy Nelson, and the Mole People

Things are intense in Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian's world, but not as intense as the negotiations Vivica A. Fox must have had with Lifetime to convince them to use her wig line in this week's movie. Les, Kurt, and Jason wade once again into Lifetime's "Wrong" cinematic universe with "The Wrong Housesitter." Many touchstones of the Wrong movies are there: Vivica A. Fox! Tracy Nelson! Repurposed sets from previous movies! Unabashed nonsensical plot! Plus, Les schools Jason and Kurt about Faye Dunaway's reality show, they see (and EVERYONE ELSE SEES) the world's most gigantic hidden camera ever, and they make the realization Chinese food delivery would be convenient if only there were a Chinese restaurant that ever thought to do such a thing.

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Zabruder's Hearts of Winter Aren't Broken, but the Beloved Bowl Sure Is

Les tells Kurt and Jason about meeting his long-lost relative who happens to be an Instagram star and Guinnes World Record Holder known as @thebalanceguru, and we learn that Kurt thinks that you need to send semen to Ancestry.com. It was also a big week in pop culture (Les confonts a woke-ish friend on social media about the Super Bowl halftime show), politics (look it up), and Blac Chyna news (she owes $72,000 to a former landlord). All of this build-up is just the guys avoiding doing a recap of Hearts of Winter, a Hallmark movie that proves once again that we've been ruined by the excellence that was Killer Contractor. Sure, we all learn what it means when a couple is being shipped, but all the old-timey camcorders and Larry Wilcox references can't make this movie more interesting to The Masked Singer.

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Psycho Party Planner Invites You to Perform at Your Own Murderous Event for Just $2000

Les, Kurt and Jason attend a wonderful soirerre thrown by Lifetime known as Psycho Party Planner. But first, Kurt delivers some eerily relevant and timely Blac Chyna news, Jason invents a new reality show involving the Lori Louglin's daughters learning about America's legal system called LOUGHlin School. Once they guys start dissecting this week's tour de force, Jason points out that it all seems familiar because they've clearly filmed in ALL of these locations before. Multiple times. But they clearly don't have a huge budget for this movie... or for the $2000 "epic" sweet 16 bash being thrown in this movie. They can't even afford to have Nu Shooz perform... or to supply condoms and wine from the 99 Cents Only Store. But at least there are hot shirtless guys.

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Amazing Winter Romance Navigates a Snow Maze to Bad Accents

Les speaks to so many psychics, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news (or is it Justina Valentine news?), and Jason has some strong opinions about drag shows. But the real story here is Hallmark Channel's Amazing Winter Romance which is neither amazing nor terribly romantic. But at least it's got winter, and a snow maze, and the revelation that it's not practical to bring a stroller through a snow maze. Noted. Whether it's someone who's Swiss or Swedish, you'd be hard-pressed to find a discernible and relevant accent in this movie, but at least we can see that epic maze thanks to the mind-blowing concept of hanging lights and writing a blog that's got a hashtag!

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Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster. 

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this is a great episode to get you started.

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Christmas at Dollywood is a Chance to Debate the Merits of Peppermint vs. Wint-O-Green

Les, Kurt, and Jason realize what you probably realized long ago: that Hallmark's biggest audience demographic is podcasters! And as such, they bring you Blac Chyna news, a recap of Les' experience inside a world not unlike one you'd find in a Hallmark movie, and a discussion of the Zoloft "controversy." Then the guys get to the movie they've been talking about for months, Christmas at Dollywood starring Danica McKellar and Dolly Parton as herself. What's not to like, right? Until you learn that somebody hurt Kurt and as a result he didn't want to give Danica her due... Les and Jason aren't havin it, and Kurt eventually sees the light (the very bright light bathing a child's room in the middle of the night). 

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Mistletoes and Menorahs and OMG Olympia Dukakis was in Death Wish

Les tells Kurt and Jason that he's about to embark inside an immersive Hallmark movie experience and Kurt has Blac Chyna news (or is it Tokyo Toni news?) before the guys dive into a Lifetime holiday movie that deals with Hanukkah! Did you know that Jewish people don't know what snowball fights are? Featuring a woman whose coffee order is THE WORST, a Hanukkah expert (labeled as such simply because he happens to be Jewish), and coffee-induced washboard abs, you too will think they're setting this movie up to have a Passover-set sequel.

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Lacey Chabert Celebrates a Christmas in Rome with a World of Connies Riding Vespas for Three Coins in a Fountain

Les, Kurt, and Jason get the low-down on Les' Duran Duran-belting (now former) neighbor and a gushing Blac Chyna, before Jason realizes that Kurt is being tricked into advertising for products including body butter and Patti LaBelle's Sweet Potato Pie. As Kurt FINALLY starts to warm to the idea of watching Hallmark movies, he embraced it even more as he completed a Hallmark Puzzle (giving an angel his wings). On this episode, Hallmark favorite Lacey Chabert is back in Christmas in Rome, a movie which was shot on location in Italy. Lacey plays a character that gets ROPED (that's definitely the word Jason wrote in his notes) into helping a fellow American make his way though the city armed with Vespas, business plans as foreplay, and all of the Connies. 

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Keshia Knight Pulliam is Broadcasting on a Radio Christmas from Bethlehem, PA

This week, Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle Radio Christmas, a Lifetime movie that took some pretty generous liberties with what Christmas is like on the radio in Bethlehem, PA. Jason should know... he got his start on the radio in the Bethlehem area. (Fun fact not mentioned on the podcast: The Rock graduated high school in Bethlehem, PA). Beyond Jason's repeated angry outbursts (but seriously, Bethlehem is a city just 45 MINUTES AWAY from Philadelphia), we also suspect that Kurt is doing ads on the side for Blac Chyna's makeup line. Les also thinks he's pegged the actress that plays Keshia Knight Pulliam's boss as being Kurt's type. Sure, Les may be ageist, and the roughly 75,000 residents of Bethlehem should ALL be out there with shovels, but the one thing we may never know is just how many dark secrets ancillary character Warren is hiding.

Also: Christmas Pickle.

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A Perfect Christmas is Made from Gingerbread House Classicism and Fat Baby Shaming

Les, Kurt, and Jason ask the age old question: Is it really a Hanukkah movie if it's actually about Christmas? You'll likely find out on a future episode, but this week's show is all about Hallmark Channel's "A Perfect Christmas," a holiday movie that makes us pit Mansplaining against Straightsplaining even as the guys engage in a spirited game of A Lifetime of Hallmark Bingo (June Squibb for the win, obviously!). Also debatable: whether one can return a Christmas tree to the Christmas tree farm, especially in a world where one's cable television bill is valued more than other household necessities and fat babies are shamed even as they eat the graham crackers that are supposed to be used to build a more affordable gingerbread house. 

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