A Lifetime of Hallmark

Fake J.K. Rowling pulls a Fake Dave Chappelle and Ends Up Falling for Vermont

Like everyone in the world, Les, Kurt, and Jason, are soldering on in the wake of COVID-19 affecting every aspect of our lives, including some very serious news from Kurt. But the seriousness makes way for arts and crafts with Blac Chyna (btw, that should totally be a new segment on this podcast!) and a Hallmark movie called Falling for Vermont which features a trope seemingly new to Hallmark: AMNESIA. Obviously, because of its soap opera staple roots, Les is convinced that he's an Amnesia expert. Plus, the guys discuss how one's hotness level can change given that we're quarantined, learn about a girl who went viral for licking a toilet, and hear about when Jason was (accidentally?) hit on by Eddie Munster while dressed as Susan Powter. Stop the insanity!

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The Wrong Nanny with Special Guest Kate Casey from Reality Life with Kate Casey

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by reality TV expert and incredibly smart and hilarious human Kate Casey, host of the podcast Reality Life with Kate Casey. Kate can't quite figure out what shows Kurt watches, but she soon learns that he's well-versed in all things Blac Chyna, Zeus TV, and need to pay taxes on one's illegal activities. As they start to dissect Lifetime's "The Wrong Nanny," we soon learn more than we wanted to know about 90 Day Fiance, the need to report a questionable charity to the Better Business Bureau, and that Jenny Craig's Fettuccini Alfredo is "not that bad." Maybe Gary the suspected 46-year-old writer of this movie could have had the stabby woman at the center of this action make that rather than the tomato sauce that Kate doesn't find believable. But at least lifelong sociopathic tendencies are treated like Mondays. Amirite?

Thanks to Kate for joining us. Find her on Twitter @KateCasey and Instagram @KateCaseyCA

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Love in Store Has a Limited Supply of Jackee to Help You Out of An Egyptian Escape Room

Just like the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club, on this episode Les, Kurt, and Jason learn that the first rule of Hallmark Channel is you do not talk about Lori Loughlin... but they do anyway, and consider a world where Lori revives her career on Zeus TV, and where Kurt has an acceptable answer to the age-old question "What makes you fringe-y?". They also talk about this week's movie, Hallmark's "Love in Store," set against the backdrop of a QVC/HSN-esque shopping channel that's definitely better at selling stuff than the rinky-dink operation that was the Panda Channel. Unique setting aside, this movie featured new Hallmark benchmarks like "the brother so close to his sis that he's a essentially a surrogate dad to her kid," 'actually saying the word 'divorce' out loud," and "child so creepy that he may as well be starring in "Brahms: The Boy II." This movie is the perfect remedy for you if, like Jason, you were dumped on MySpace. So sit awkwardly at one end of your super-long couch in the middle of your escape room, because the only way you're getting out is with the help of Les' lady detective skills... and from Mama Cass. 

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The Wrong Housesitter Should've Hired The Wrong Housekeeper to Keep Away Vivica A. Fox, Tracy Nelson, and the Mole People

Things are intense in Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian's world, but not as intense as the negotiations Vivica A. Fox must have had with Lifetime to convince them to use her wig line in this week's movie. Les, Kurt, and Jason wade once again into Lifetime's "Wrong" cinematic universe with "The Wrong Housesitter." Many touchstones of the Wrong movies are there: Vivica A. Fox! Tracy Nelson! Repurposed sets from previous movies! Unabashed nonsensical plot! Plus, Les schools Jason and Kurt about Faye Dunaway's reality show, they see (and EVERYONE ELSE SEES) the world's most gigantic hidden camera ever, and they make the realization Chinese food delivery would be convenient if only there were a Chinese restaurant that ever thought to do such a thing.

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Zabruder's Hearts of Winter Aren't Broken, but the Beloved Bowl Sure Is

Les tells Kurt and Jason about meeting his long-lost relative who happens to be an Instagram star and Guinnes World Record Holder known as @thebalanceguru, and we learn that Kurt thinks that you need to send semen to Ancestry.com. It was also a big week in pop culture (Les confonts a woke-ish friend on social media about the Super Bowl halftime show), politics (look it up), and Blac Chyna news (she owes $72,000 to a former landlord). All of this build-up is just the guys avoiding doing a recap of Hearts of Winter, a Hallmark movie that proves once again that we've been ruined by the excellence that was Killer Contractor. Sure, we all learn what it means when a couple is being shipped, but all the old-timey camcorders and Larry Wilcox references can't make this movie more interesting to The Masked Singer.

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Psycho Party Planner Invites You to Perform at Your Own Murderous Event for Just $2000

Les, Kurt and Jason attend a wonderful soirerre thrown by Lifetime known as Psycho Party Planner. But first, Kurt delivers some eerily relevant and timely Blac Chyna news, Jason invents a new reality show involving the Lori Louglin's daughters learning about America's legal system called LOUGHlin School. Once they guys start dissecting this week's tour de force, Jason points out that it all seems familiar because they've clearly filmed in ALL of these locations before. Multiple times. But they clearly don't have a huge budget for this movie... or for the $2000 "epic" sweet 16 bash being thrown in this movie. They can't even afford to have Nu Shooz perform... or to supply condoms and wine from the 99 Cents Only Store. But at least there are hot shirtless guys.

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Amazing Winter Romance Navigates a Snow Maze to Bad Accents

Les speaks to so many psychics, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news (or is it Justina Valentine news?), and Jason has some strong opinions about drag shows. But the real story here is Hallmark Channel's Amazing Winter Romance which is neither amazing nor terribly romantic. But at least it's got winter, and a snow maze, and the revelation that it's not practical to bring a stroller through a snow maze. Noted. Whether it's someone who's Swiss or Swedish, you'd be hard-pressed to find a discernible and relevant accent in this movie, but at least we can see that epic maze thanks to the mind-blowing concept of hanging lights and writing a blog that's got a hashtag!

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Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster. 

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this is a great episode to get you started.

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Christmas at Dollywood is a Chance to Debate the Merits of Peppermint vs. Wint-O-Green

Les, Kurt, and Jason realize what you probably realized long ago: that Hallmark's biggest audience demographic is podcasters! And as such, they bring you Blac Chyna news, a recap of Les' experience inside a world not unlike one you'd find in a Hallmark movie, and a discussion of the Zoloft "controversy." Then the guys get to the movie they've been talking about for months, Christmas at Dollywood starring Danica McKellar and Dolly Parton as herself. What's not to like, right? Until you learn that somebody hurt Kurt and as a result he didn't want to give Danica her due... Les and Jason aren't havin it, and Kurt eventually sees the light (the very bright light bathing a child's room in the middle of the night). 

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Mistletoes and Menorahs and OMG Olympia Dukakis was in Death Wish

Les tells Kurt and Jason that he's about to embark inside an immersive Hallmark movie experience and Kurt has Blac Chyna news (or is it Tokyo Toni news?) before the guys dive into a Lifetime holiday movie that deals with Hanukkah! Did you know that Jewish people don't know what snowball fights are? Featuring a woman whose coffee order is THE WORST, a Hanukkah expert (labeled as such simply because he happens to be Jewish), and coffee-induced washboard abs, you too will think they're setting this movie up to have a Passover-set sequel.

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