A Lifetime of Hallmark

It's Wedding Bells for Danica McKellar, but all Bruce Boxleitner Got Was This Ponzi Scheme Greeting Card from Hallmark

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to take on the Horniest Hallmark Movie ever (by Hallmark standards), but first we find out that Kurt has finally watched the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix... and a video of Blac Chyna twerking on OnlyFans. This leads Jason to the realization that pole dancing is way easier in outer space (no gravity!). All this talk of porn sites and pole dancing makes the guys realize it's time to talk about a Hallmark movie, 2016's Wedding Bells starring Danica McKellar. Luckily, Kurt thinks he's ok with Danica now after not wanting to give Danica her due on an earlier episode of this podcast ("Christmas at Dollywood is a Chance to Debate the Merits of Peppermint vs. Wint-O-Green"). We find out that Danica's character had a disturbing childhood filled with diet foods and (we assume) a philandering father, but not as disturbing as her love interest whose dad is torn between being played by Bruce Boxleitner (The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) and Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers). Les is not fulfilled by the movies many many montages as none of them include dressing up and twirling, so the guys all realize that they need to find the zen of Petticoat Junction... followed by 20 minutes of nationally televised dry humping. 

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My Nightmare Landlord, My BFF Young Peter Frampton, and my Ex BF Young Crispin Glover

Les, Kurt, and Jason have OPINIONS about (famed?) puzzle maker Bonnie Morris. And Vajazzling. And Zoom meetings with goats. They also have opinions about Lifetime's My Nightmare Landord, a movie that lays out plenty of nonsensical information, even by A Lifetime of Hallmark standards.  Kurt and Jason also get some deeper insight into Les' Moral Code of Snooping™️ and they realize that this movie's stalker is being a bit extra... especially when it's revealed that he wants to see a play based on The Sun Also Rises. But, with the worst police officer ever on the case, you can be sure that someone is gonna stick a toothbrush up their butt while they steal your furniture. 

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Fashionably Yours Gives You Lauren's Cookies and Some Marie Kondo Realness

Les, Kurt, and Jason check in on the PUBIC health crisis before learning that Robert Redford may have once talked smack about Kurt. Perhaps Robert and Kurt could smooth things over with a FaceTime call, as soon as the guys finish the one they plan to do with Blac Chyna (using her layaway plan, obviously). By that time they will be ready to dig into this week's movie, Hallmark's Fashionably Yours which provides a VERY different view of the fashion industry than last week's Lifetime offering. That doesn't stop the guys from making innuendo about Lauren's cookies (SO many cookie innuendo crumbs are sprinkled throughout the episode). Plus, Les teaches us about what a soap opera "talk to" is, Jason thinks the diner owner stands uncomfortably close (even too close for pre COVID-19 times), and Kurt took time to make note of a character for which he had no time. Chow down on your cream cheese hot dog and see if YOU think this is our dirtiest episode yet. 

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Designed to Kill aka Fatal Fashion aka Deadly Runway aka 80's Teen Movie Archetypes with David Rosen of Piecing it Together

 

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by a very game David Rosen from the podcast Piecing it Together. But, before they dig into the most confusing Blac Chyna story ever, they take a minute to discuss Netflix's The Platform, a movie that is more about classicism than it is about dietary restrictions. Then the guys take a stab (pun intended) at Lifetime's Designed to Kill... once known as Netflix's Fatal Fashion... also known as Deadly Runway... this movie has more names than Sean Combs! It may not have originally been produced for Lifetime, but it sure hits all of Lifetime's sweet spots: a dangerous cold open featuring an unhinged antihero, completely nonsensical plot twists, people that don't know how to do a Google search before it's too late, lots of skin, and so many makeover montages (making Les INCREDIBLY happy). Sure, the high school archetypes are straight out of an 80's teen movie, but even Biff from Back to the Future doesn't know what a Blowtard is. Is the 54 St. Posse mad that they're being disparaged by a deranged photographer / high school teacher? Is $1000 a paltry sum for an Elle magazine photo shoot? Is the guy playing the principal actually a porn star moonlighting as a legit actor? Have Alexa play your murder playlist as you chow down on that extra candy bar in your purse while you watch this gem to find out!

 

You can listen to David's podcast Piecing it Together here: https://www.piecingpod.com/

And find him on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/piecingpod

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You Can Flip That Romance but You Can't Flip Everyone to Becoming a Fan of Tiger King on Netflix

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the show with a brand new opening (yay!) because we've all got a lot of time on our hands right now and have become Zoom video chat masters. Kurt's Blac Chyna news has a new intro, too, but the biggest news is that Chyna has 16.6 million Instagram followers! Kurt also poses a great question: Is someone really serving house arrest if we are ALL under stay at home orders? Discuss as the guys get into this week's Hallmark offering, "Flip that Romance." Les points out that this movie has the same basic framework as the guys' previous Lifetime movie: they're both about home flipping and both have a female heroine named Jules. What this movie lacks in murders, though, it makes up for in weird awards show pairings (think Milton Berle with RuPaul or Bea Arthur with Urkel), leading Jason to shamelessly plug his @MCSkatCat Twitter account. But you still get plenty of murder talk courtesy of a Tiger King on Netflix tangent which you may love or hate. But you won't hate it as much as Les hates realtors, Kurt hates magazine editors, or Jason hates a giant swing made out of a baby crib.

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Achieve Your Killer Dream Home with A Sneakiness Strategies Master Class

Les, Kurt, and Jason's Blac Chyna news is overshadowed by the new news-to-Les's-husband that Gary Coleman passed away... 10 years ago. With that sad news out of the way, the guys are ready to move into Lifetime's Killer Dream Home, a movie about a murdery Gorton's Fisherman in a red Handmaid's Tale-style poncho and her quest to do enough Lifetime movies to earn her SAG-AFTRA benefits for a year. You know you're in for a wild ride when the first person killed is our beloved Killer Grandma, and the police will be on the case just as soon as somebody puts the correct postage on her letter alerting them of the danger that lies ahead. Does this movie feature some epically bad snooping? Yes (according to Les)! It also features the worst gaslighter ever and very hot people looking super hot even as they're surrounded by murder that could've been avoided if they had only called in a team of psychic mediums.

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Fake J.K. Rowling pulls a Fake Dave Chappelle and Ends Up Falling for Vermont

Like everyone in the world, Les, Kurt, and Jason, are soldering on in the wake of COVID-19 affecting every aspect of our lives, including some very serious news from Kurt. But the seriousness makes way for arts and crafts with Blac Chyna (btw, that should totally be a new segment on this podcast!) and a Hallmark movie called Falling for Vermont which features a trope seemingly new to Hallmark: AMNESIA. Obviously, because of its soap opera staple roots, Les is convinced that he's an Amnesia expert. Plus, the guys discuss how one's hotness level can change given that we're quarantined, learn about a girl who went viral for licking a toilet, and hear about when Jason was (accidentally?) hit on by Eddie Munster while dressed as Susan Powter. Stop the insanity!

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The Wrong Nanny with Special Guest Kate Casey from Reality Life with Kate Casey

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by reality TV expert and incredibly smart and hilarious human Kate Casey, host of the podcast Reality Life with Kate Casey. Kate can't quite figure out what shows Kurt watches, but she soon learns that he's well-versed in all things Blac Chyna, Zeus TV, and need to pay taxes on one's illegal activities. As they start to dissect Lifetime's "The Wrong Nanny," we soon learn more than we wanted to know about 90 Day Fiance, the need to report a questionable charity to the Better Business Bureau, and that Jenny Craig's Fettuccini Alfredo is "not that bad." Maybe Gary the suspected 46-year-old writer of this movie could have had the stabby woman at the center of this action make that rather than the tomato sauce that Kate doesn't find believable. But at least lifelong sociopathic tendencies are treated like Mondays. Amirite?

Thanks to Kate for joining us. Find her on Twitter @KateCasey and Instagram @KateCaseyCA

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Love in Store Has a Limited Supply of Jackee to Help You Out of An Egyptian Escape Room

Just like the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club, on this episode Les, Kurt, and Jason learn that the first rule of Hallmark Channel is you do not talk about Lori Loughlin... but they do anyway, and consider a world where Lori revives her career on Zeus TV, and where Kurt has an acceptable answer to the age-old question "What makes you fringe-y?". They also talk about this week's movie, Hallmark's "Love in Store," set against the backdrop of a QVC/HSN-esque shopping channel that's definitely better at selling stuff than the rinky-dink operation that was the Panda Channel. Unique setting aside, this movie featured new Hallmark benchmarks like "the brother so close to his sis that he's a essentially a surrogate dad to her kid," 'actually saying the word 'divorce' out loud," and "child so creepy that he may as well be starring in "Brahms: The Boy II." This movie is the perfect remedy for you if, like Jason, you were dumped on MySpace. So sit awkwardly at one end of your super-long couch in the middle of your escape room, because the only way you're getting out is with the help of Les' lady detective skills... and from Mama Cass. 

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The Wrong Housesitter Should've Hired The Wrong Housekeeper to Keep Away Vivica A. Fox, Tracy Nelson, and the Mole People

Things are intense in Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian's world, but not as intense as the negotiations Vivica A. Fox must have had with Lifetime to convince them to use her wig line in this week's movie. Les, Kurt, and Jason wade once again into Lifetime's "Wrong" cinematic universe with "The Wrong Housesitter." Many touchstones of the Wrong movies are there: Vivica A. Fox! Tracy Nelson! Repurposed sets from previous movies! Unabashed nonsensical plot! Plus, Les schools Jason and Kurt about Faye Dunaway's reality show, they see (and EVERYONE ELSE SEES) the world's most gigantic hidden camera ever, and they make the realization Chinese food delivery would be convenient if only there were a Chinese restaurant that ever thought to do such a thing.

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