A Lifetime of Hallmark

Always the Brutal Bridesmaids, Never the Stripper Who Might Be One of the Producers

Les, Kurt, and Jason are recapping a movie written by another person that once lived in Jason’s apartment building Lifetime’s Brutal Bridesmaids. But they can’t get into movie without first getting an in-depth (possibly via Wikipedia) look at the rise of Blac Chyna and and even more in-depth look at all the publications that we’ve never heard of but have featured Blac Chyna. Then, the guys are ready to head down the aisle into the movie, written by Jason’s friend Patrick Powell, and featuring some AWESOME outfits (except for the wedding dress, what the hell?!?!). This is possibly the cattiest movie the guys have ever watched, including the shadiest (and longest) makeover montage that puts it into the montage hall of fame. Sloan may be a constant bummer, and there may hot have been a curse at the center of it all as Les suspected, but at least there’s a pyramid scheme! And a male stripper that Les and Jason have strong opinions about! And a Johnny Lawrence/Daniel-son / Tom & Jerry ending for Kurt! If you don’t like it, you should just sneak out like a lady!

 

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Chasing Waterfalls Shows Us a Whole New Hallmark Channel Complete with Old Prospectors Panning for Gold

Les, Kurt, and Jason really do see the positive changes Hallmark has taken to contemporize and diversify their movies while still staying true to the Hallmark Brand. Speaking of on brand, Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that is (once again) solely about her outfit... and propels the guys into pondering what Blac Chyna's courtroom looks would invoke. Jason is happy that the Bink Williams character kinda sorta inspired by him made it into Hallmark's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart". Then, the guys are ready to go for a swim in "Chasing Waterfalls," a Hallmark movie that has great messages for young women and girls, shirtlessness for Les and Jason, and Cindy Busby for Kurt. It's also got a diverse cast with multiple people of color and members of the LGBTQ community, actual use of the word "divorce," allusions to pre-marital sex, and tips on how to avoid getting eaten by a bear! But even though the guys seemed to like it, they are all still wondering about the windfall of gold that awaits them!

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BONUS EPISODE with Nina Weinman, writer of Hallmark's Don't Go Breaking My Heart

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to welcome Nina Weinman back to the podcast to talk about her new Hallmark Channel movie Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Nina and Jason are longtime friends and former improv cohorts, and Nina even (sorta) wrote Jason into her latest movie (though Jason's not happy about the name change). Kurt has a game for Nina (which she thankfully aced) and Les rightfully lauds Nina and Hallmark for their continued efforts into inclusivity. Plus, Nina hints at some exciting Hallmark movies she has in the pipeline. 

Follow Nina Weinman on Twitter @nibewe. She says she's not that interesting, but we disagree.

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The Desperate Widows Lures You into a Cult that’s a Different Shade of Bonkers

Les, Kurt, and Jason love themselves an over-the-top Lifetime movie, but this one may not have lived up to expectations. The Blac Chyna news also left something to be desired as it was not so much “news” as much as it was “a piece of information that is barely notable.” Then Jason goes on a rant about about DVD waste before the guys join the sex trafficking ring cooked up in Lifetime’s Desperate Widows. The movie was formerly known as Mommune as in “mommy commune” as in a movie that truly tests Les and Kurt’s patience. On the one hand, the movie has a hot dad and hotter handyman, but on the other hand we never meet the dad and the handyman may or may not be a (helpful) mute. This is a movie that’s all about side hustles where sex trafficking is basically the same as opening an Etsy store, albeit one that leads to potential HR violations. 

 

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Mix Up in the Mediterranean Offers Twins Hijinks, Actual Crime, Deception, and Nearly-Implied Infidelity

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by almost immediately going down a Tyler Perry rabbit hole (but who hasn't done that?) and a riveting Blac Chyna Report involving matching outfits. Then, the guys head to Malta for Hallmark's Mix Up in the Mediterranean, a movie that seems to make a run at things Lifetime usually treads in like crime, deception, and the age old question of "should we go through people's medicine cabinets?". Kurt thinks the movie is DUMB, and Les and Jason agree despite really liking it and all of its ridiculous kitchen espionage. We may not get the "one twin training the other twin" montage that Les had hoped for, but we DO get Les spilling the tea on his cousin-in-law. And we get a Hallmark movie that very casually lets multiple characters commit a felony (making the guys realize that one of the characters in the movie is either homeless with hitman connections or he's been microchipped and can never leave. Dig into a nice baked Alaska, and if you don't like it in 2 months then you know it wasn't very good anyway.

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Cupid Delivers The Wrong Valentine to the Podcast: Special Guest Meredith Thomas!

Les, Kurt, and Jason try something for the first time: recapping a Lifetime movie with the help of one of the movie’s stars! Special Guest Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) is a veteran of many movies in The Wrong Cinematic Universe, and she’s got a pivotal role in The Wrong Valentine. Meredith gets to work alongside Vivica A. Fox and her character gets to say everything that the audience is thinking, even if her suspicions are proven correct first-hand (something Meredith’s dad didn’t see coming on Google Maps). Plus: Les is ready to step right into this movie’s mom’s cowboy boots, Kurt rewinds to determine what kind of birthday cake is being served, and Jason is taking it all in on the Sliver wall of TV screens. 

 

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Beverly Hills Wedding is a Hallmark Valentine to Vancouver

Les, Kurt, and Jason bring you a jam-packed show heading into Valentine's Day / President's Day weekend! Kurt brings the evolution of media full circle by doing a rerun of his Blac Chyna Report. Les, unsurprisingly, reveals that he's an official Wendy Watcher (aka the Wendy Williams fan army). Jason learned that he's being cut from a Hallmark movie (sort of). But that brings the news that their friend Nina Weinman, writer of many great Hallmark movies, will be on in a few weeks to talk about her latest, Breakup Boot Camp (coming March 27 to Hallmark!) Then, the guys get into Hallmark's Beverly Hills Wedding, a movie with Sandy Duncan situation (or is it Aunt Bea?) that leads the guys to debate who in the film is the most problematic person (and they have OPINIONS). There may more gays on the Hallmark Channel than an Atlantic cruise these days, but that doesn't mean a wedding can't have toxically masculine invitations, right? If you don't like 'em, you can chow down on a bowl of blueberry jam for dessert as you stank-face it up!

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Wendy Williams: The Movie Overwhelms With Montages and Epic Snooping

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have taken one step closer to fulfilling Les’ dream to be on the Wendy Williams Show as they recap Lifetime’s Wendy Williams: The Movie. But first, the guys reveal that they’ve all spent a lot of time in the past week researching the net worth of William Kate and Connie Selleca (of The Greatest American Hero). Then, Kurt delivers a Blac Chyna Report that veers wildly between topics and leads the guys down an informative and extensive Cameo Rabbit Hole (you can pay for a Blac Chyna Cameo with a convenient payment plan!) When it’s time to discuss the movie, the guys lament the demise of the spinning newspaper effect in movies (really, the groundbreaking Marvel-level special effect of its time). How did they do it? By attaching a newspaper to the wheel of a car? A Lazy Susan? Witchcraft? Wendy Williams: The Movie is a masterclass in sneaking around, and delivers so many montages (including the weirdly relateable “f-ed up on a substance in a club” montage) that even Les is overwhelmed!

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Salt-N-Pepa Seasons Lifetime with a Really Good Biopic Filled with Montages

Les, Kurt, and Jason have a new show open! And a new Blac Chyna Report intro. It couldn't come at a better time since Kurt quickly recaps an entire episode of Blac Chyna's reality show and Les reveals that he has TWO contacts that have worked with June Squibb and thinks it's only a matter of time before she comes on the podcast (just mathematically speaking). Then it's time for a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic, kicking off with Salt-N-Pepa (though the kicking better be gentle in case Pepa's feet are hurt from her Flintstones car). That roof may be in disrepair, too, after Kurt jumped on it the first time he heard our podcast on a computer while his dad watched Lacey Chabert solve crime and crossword puzzles! Best fun fact learned in this move: the song "Push It" was recorded in a bathroom! Best line in the movie: Salt, while in labor, being told to "push it real good!" Best realization: that if there's ever a biopic about this podcast, Jason would be the Spinderella. 

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You'll Need a Better Poker Face when You're Dying for a Daughter and Her Day Old Chinese Food

Les, Kurt, and Jason have a pep in their step which could be because they're recording this on inauguration... or because Les got extra relaxation time and almost missed the recording session. Or maybe it's because they have TWO Blac Chyna Reports (one from Kurt and one from Les)! Then, they get in the car with Lifetime's Dying for a Daughter, a movie that happily implements many of Lifetime's best tropes: Blatantly repeating important details for the viewing audience! Ridiculously oversized "hidden" cameras! Wine! More wine! Rufies! Epic amounts of snooping! Unhelpful detectives! Gaslighting! The only things it was missing were chloroform and Vivica A. Fox... but at least it had one of Northern California's top rated Gary Busey impersonators and a child actor so committed to her part that she was willing to actually let her limbs be broken for the sake of art!

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