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Three guys who discuss movies on Lifetime and The Hallmark Channel and try to make sense of them all. Also, Blac Chyna news. And pop culture.
Episodes
Friday Sep 18, 2020
Friday Sep 18, 2020
Even as Les, Kurt, and Jason come to the realization that they should be Hallmark and Lifetime movie consultants (and that Kurt should be a Blac Chyna consultant) they somehow missed the opportunity to say the phrase “when it rains, it bores.” Even without that profound piece of wisdom, you’ll still be treated to a very important discussion of sprinkles vs. jimmies before reading the temperature of Hallmark’s Love in the Forecast. If you ever wondered what it’s like to get fully stalked in Arkansas… in a Hallmark movie, by many people including a poor man’s Adam Devine, look no further than this movie which makes Les rail against people he finds un attractive. As our heroine Benjamin Buttons her way through a career by using a Rube Goldberg device to predict the weather, Jason is collecting S&H Green Stamps to be able to buy the love the Lifetime of Hallmark fan army of dairy farmers.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Tuesday Aug 18, 2020
Tuesday Aug 18, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason dissect a pretty monumental movie for Hallmark because it rather prominently features a same-sex couple. So after diving into Blac Chyna's visit to a sex shop at the top of Jason's street, the guys dig into Wedding Every Weekend. No, the prominently featured lesbian couple is not the focus of the movie, but they are still just to the left of front-and center in a movie that Les thinks pulls out all the stops by Hallmark standards (though Jason thinks they've only barely slowed down for the Yield sign). If the lesbians, interracial couples and lack of dead parents aren't enough to entice you, maybe some incredibly long tangents about Jane Fonda and the absurd lack of priorities within the 80's sitcom Mr. Belvedere will help make you realize how flakiness is actually an essential and life skill. Why exactly are they having a wedding in the middle of bear country? Consider that question and Herbie the Love Bug's sexuality as you enjoy your cake from The Abbey... unless being alone is your jam.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Thursday Aug 13, 2020
Thursday Aug 13, 2020
Les starts the show by trolling Kurt (and, to a lesser extent, Jason) about the fact that they have yet to see some of the most iconic movies of all time (and we're not talking Hallmark and Lifetime movies). We learn the exciting news that Les used his snooping superpowers to help his husband find some biological family members. Plus, Les and Kurt JUST NOW realized that the Blac Chyna Report intro that Jason produced largely uses Trump's inability to normally pronounce the word "China." And that's all before jumping into a new Lifetime Cinematic Universe that's anchored by The Twisted Nanny. If you're looking for a movie that gives a masterclass in strobe light stabbings, a-hole children, and gaslighting literally everyone in your life, you've found it along with the major news outlets covering all the CPS house calls today.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Wednesday Aug 05, 2020
Wednesday Aug 05, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason start this week's episode with the realization that the planet Neptune has some GOOD podcasts, and their Blac Chyna Report leads the guys to the realization that she should deliver for Postmates. Then the guys Check Inn to Christmas, Hallmark's 2019 Candace Cameron Bure holiday movie that makes poor Sassy the Cat go an entire movie without taking a dump (even on the Polar Express), giving new meaning to "squatting in the attic." We'd think that Karl Marx wrote this movie if not for the potential of holiday c**kblocking, and senior LBTQ+ couples, and a foster child who seems to be the only one that knows what's going on.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Monday Jul 27, 2020
Monday Jul 27, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by celebrating some great milestones for A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast: 10,000 downloads and counting! And there's more reason to celebrate: Hallmark is adding LGBTQ+ stories and actors to their movies (though we're pretty sure the latter was already covered). Then it's time to coordinate your viewing with Lifetime's The Wrong Wedding Planner. Yes, of course there is Vivica A. Fox, but this movie also has Jackee Harry! And the realization that Lifetime villians can do all of the marketing department's tough Photoshop assignments while they are filming! And a locksmith with a nice body and and even nicer house! Plus, decide for yourself if Vivica is a flat-earther, and spread the word by Xeroxing it for your 'zine!
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Monday Jul 20, 2020
Monday Jul 20, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome Lori Meeker, the Creator and Producer of Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: A Very Cookie Christmas, a super-fun immersive show that is like living and experiencing a Hallmark-style holiday film in real life! After the guys give Lori a primer on Blac Chyna, they all dive into Hallmark's Check Inn to Christmas, and Lori is right at home schooling the guys on pine swags. Les remembers this movie's male lead from a Prince movie (not of the Under the Cherry Moon variety, sorry Kurt!), and the guys (but not Lori) is upset that all the parents are alive and well in this movie. What this movie lacks in June Squibb, it makes up for in penis-shaped construction, 90's TV stars who are maybe letting it snow, and an allegedly gay guy making buttons.
To find out more about Lori's show, visit https://www.meadowlarkfalls.com
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Wednesday Jul 15, 2020
Wednesday Jul 15, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason delve into one of pop culture's greatest mysteries: Where can one view the early 2000's TV pilot that Bob Newhart filmed with Sisqo (he of Thong Song fame)? We may never get answers to that, but, we do get some Blac Chyna news, some super weird Hulu recommendations for Kurt, and some more raves about Love, Victor. What we don't get in this week's Lifetime movie The Wrong Mommy is some Tracy Nelson... but we do get peak creep from Eric Roberts, Vivica in true boss lady mode, and Dee Wallace throwing down some master kickboxer moves! The guys will delve into all the hard-hitting questions like "does lip balm make you gay?" as they get an INCREDIBLY detailed explanation of autoerotic axphixiation and squeeze the public library's advertising budget for all the money they've got.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Tuesday Jul 07, 2020
Tuesday Jul 07, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason attempt for the FIFTH time to record the podcast (thanks, Mercury being in retrograde), and finally succeed when they learn that Blac Chyna owes her former landlord A LOT of money. The, we find out that Les has moved AGAIN, and that all three guys have thrown themselves into Hulu's Love, Victor. Which is to say the guys were looking for any reason they could to avoid talking about Hallmark's Matching Hearts, a pretty milquetoast movie that makes NBC's 80's dramedy Love, Sidney look like porn by comparison! (They had gays on TV in the 80's, who knew?!?!) Even if Jackee hadn't (presumably) accidentally turned this role down, the movie would still have needed the guys' ideas for a Zoom-inspired Hallmark movie because the business at the center of the (very thin yet expository) plot is not a good business model and the parents aren't even dead! Does our heroine become drunk with power? YES! Does her boyfriend like anal? Umm... MAYBE! Does Les go into an insane amount of detail about all the dead moms in Disney movies? You betcha! And most importantly: will Jason ever find out if there was a kiss at the end? Listen to find out!
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Saturday Jun 27, 2020
Saturday Jun 27, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to do something they've never done: revisit a movie after having already done a podcast about it. Maybe you weren't lucky enough to hear their epic 2019 episode about Lifetime's The Wrong Neighbor before it inexplicably went missing from podcast platforms and all of their computers. But it never went missing from their hearts, and the guys are now able to look at it with much greater context about the Wrong Cinematic Universe. But before they can even dive in, they discuss Andy Warhol's autobiography, the apparent swingin' sex lives of Dick Van Patten and Gene Siskel, The Forbes story about The Bold and The Beautiful's plans to use lifelike sex dolls to help film, and Blac Chyna's plans to collaborate with Nicki Minaj. With all that amazingness out of the way, even though we DON'T get to see Vivica A Fox, Eric Roberts, or (critically) Tracy Nelson, we DO get to (eventually) see Michael Madsen pre-lunch and post-lunch. We also get to see the producer's girlfriend, a security expert that has no idea what a tax attorney does (or possibly a chiropractor), and a newly discovered Lifetime trope of getting gussied up to visit a food truck. Go Grab your Lifetime-branded chloroform wipes, you're gonna need 'em.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Wednesday Jun 24, 2020
Wednesday Jun 24, 2020
Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Blac Chyna's philanthropic efforts are really benefitting anyone other than her, and discuss the possibility of having (maybe) forever lost one of their favorite episodes of this very podcast (and how they're going to remedy that). Then, they swan dive into this week's Lifetime offering, Psycho Yoga Instructor. The guys are understandably disappointed that this movie featured way more of the "yoga" than it did of the "psycho," but at least there's a montage... of SMOOTHIES! Sure, this yoga class may be FULL of drug dealers, but at least there are plenty of 70's and 80's TV detectives on the case like the casts of Mrs. Columbo, Hart to Hart, and Moonlighting. And those detectives are all going to find out that Jason has been Googling "how to make chloroform" (for RESEARCH about this movie!), and he's using secret spy Julia Child's famous chloroform recipe. But, this episode's most important takeaway is: You get a pass for cheating IF it's done in self defense.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com