A Lifetime of Hallmark

Let's Meet Again on Christmas Eve To Celebrate Some (Not) Billionaires and Hear Uncle Bernie Drone On About His Dead Wife

On this episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the hilarious Jacquetta Szathmari, one of the hosts of the podcasts Hey You Know It (www.heyyouknowit.com @heyyouknowit), and there is SO much to talk about! The guys are excited about the Sexy Colonel Sanders in the upcoming Lifetime branded content starring Mario Lopez (which leads to the realization that there is probably a Colonel Sanders porn fetish). Rita Ora overshadows the Blac Chyna news with an unbelievable amount of shade towards her ex Rob Kardashian. Jackee is returning to soaps (though she's likely no longer Jackee at a 2). And, critically, Jaquetta asks: are the Masked Singers (and Dancers) furries?!?!

Then, it's time to dissect Lifetime's Let's Meet Again on Christmas Eve, a movie a couple that should never have broken up in the first place reconnecting as they are forced to plan a last minute Christmas wedding for the most budget billionaires ever who are easily wowed by pinecones and ill-fitting dresses but inexplicably like to (poorly) decorate things that are already decorated. What the movie lacked in logic it made up for in a clean set from the Covid crew (Kurt is a fan of their work) and lessons in money management. Is Jewish Bernie actually Santa? What movie was Jason's backdrop for a makeout session with an old girlfriend? Should everyone watch A Very Brady Christmas? Vivica, come defend your wig and find out!

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Christmas House Conjures Up Divorce, Same Sex Marriage, and an Uncomfortable Amount of Magic

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back newly-certified Facebook Top Fan Lori Meeker (not certified as a fan of us, but of Hallmark Channel's Facebook page)! Lori's here to tell you about her new immersive postal play Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: Christmas at Home. Order your tickets to this truly cool and unique experience now at welcometomeadowlarkfalls.com, this is this is the PERFECT gift for someone that wants to experience what it be like to live in the world of one of the kinds of movies we dissect on this show every week!

 

This week, Les, Kurt, Jason, and Lori enter Hallmark's The Christmas House, a movie that is just as groundbreaking (for Hallmark) for prominently featuring a same sex couple (and kiss! and hand-holding!) as it is for saying the "D" word (aka "divorce"). Heck, they even throw in some demon sorcery (aka "magic") to all buy ensure a backlash from a bunch of people that likely don't watch Hallmark to begin with.  But those people are missing out on the most annoying whistle ever, lazy stereotypes about L.A., and fake British accent from the town of Fakington that turns out to not be fake at all. 

 

**Warning: this episode features the exploration of an Ann Jillian rabbit hole and an approximate determination of Blac Chyna's net worth. 

 

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Christmas Edition Revitalizes Print Journalism with Gingerbread and a Humpty Dance

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have Zoom fatigue, but they don't have Blac Chyna fatigue as Kurt launches into news of an epic feud between her and Wendy Williams. Sure, it would be tough if Chyna weren't making $20,000,000 per month on Only Fans (or is is $20,000), but it would be even more tough for Jason Momoa if he had to suddenly start driving for Uber. Marie Osmond may not drive for Uber, but she may very well be moonlighting as a limo driver in Lifetime's The Christmas Edition, a movie about the exciting and super relevant world of print journalism! Even if Santa Barista doesn't prove as integral to the plot as he could (should) have, he does send Carly Hughes to Alaska to make lovey eyes at a dopey poor man's Liam Hemsworth (or is it Val Kilmer and David Harour's baby?) and to meet a dude who may or may not be the Humpty Hump guy (or is it former RNC chairman and current MSNBC contributor Michael Steele?). Whether you're into gingerbread, more gingerbread, or even more gingerbread, you'll agree that this movie was not lacking in montages! 

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BONUS EPISODE: Psycho Sister In Law Serves Up So Much Breakfast and Brushes its Way into Las Vegas’ Thriving Theater Scene

It's time for a bonus episode. This episode was originally set to be released before the podcast switched into holiday movie mode, but was delayed due to technical difficulties (and even more technical difficulties after the fact). 

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back the wonderful David Rosen from the Piecing it Together Podcast (www.piecingpod.com / @piecingpod). This week’s movie is a doozy from Lifetime called Psycho Sister-In-Law, and it features a lot of breakfast, and even more hair brushing for all the June Squibb fans that saw Space Jam in the theater like young Kurt. What the movie lacks in logic, it more than makes up for with countless characters, and a never-ending list of ways to say the name Kelly/Callie. Of critical importance, though, is that there are numerous shots of cannolis and cupcakes and a pregnant woman doing some John Wick s**t. 

 

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One Royal Holiday Knows You Don't Want a King Ralph Situation As You Lick a Donut or a Galwickian Yule Cake

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for another Blac Chyna Report, but Jason and Les notice that it's quite lacking in news about Black Chyna herself. We DO get some belated news about Lori Loughlin... which leads the guys down a rabbit hole about David Lee Roth from Van Halen, Paul Lynde shouting "Roots" to Levar Burton, and Fred Schneider of the B-52's shouting "pineapple!" But you won't find any pineapple in any of the crullers or Galwickian Yule Cakes at the center of Hallmark's "One Royal Holiday." You will, though, find a hot security guy who, a prince with Covid hair, and a bed and breakfast superdome! As Kurt has his Norma Rae Moment and Les gets on board with the idea of a Laverne Cox-fronted remake of Tootsie, Jason makes notes of Hallmark's passive aggressive ghost writers. In the end, though, the takeaway from this episode is that Les knows Melissa McCarthy and hasn't (yet) booked her to be a guest on the podcast... and that one can get c**kblocked by "Joy to the World."

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Hello Daddy, Parker Lewis has Hired the Wrong Cheerleader Coach

Les almost forgot he was recording a podcast with Kurt and Jason, but once he remembers, it’s an opportunity for Kurt to make the analogy that Rob Kardashian is to Keeping Up with the Kardashians : Warren Beatty is to Madonna Truth or Dare. Then, the guys pick out their best stalking outfit to dissect Lifetime’s The Wrong Cheerleader Coach, a movie that more than makes up for the absences of Tracy Nelson and Eric Roberts with the addition of Tara Reid and an until-now underused Courtyard by Marriot Fitness Center. Kurt’s pheromone’s may be wasted due to the pandemic, but Corin Nemic’s pheromones have a hold on every single woman in this movie. They’ve even affected Les who was compelled to Shazam some of this movie’s production music. If you’re looking for an incredibly long tangent about actors’ unions and a discussion about male models playing detectives, you’ve found the RIGHT podcast talking about The Wrong Cheerleader Coach. 

 

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My Best Friend's Bouquet Lands in the Cornhole of Your Heart

Les, Kurt, and Jason learn that they were talked about on somebody else’s podcast (how meta!) and discuss what qualities would make for a good celebrity Only Fans page. Then, they wait to catch My Best Friend’s Bouquet, a movie that may be Hallmark’s most diverse one ever thanks to many recycled sidekicks from Hallmark movies past. In addition to diversity, this movie had giant scarves (SO many giant scarves), leftover scones (noted by Kurt), and the possibility of old teeth in a ring box (imagery courtesy of Jason). We also get the sense that Hallmark is getting turnt, as evidenced by incrusted drinking and extensive talk of corn holing and a very slight insinuation that a character may have been pregnant before marriage. It really is a whole new Hallmark!

 

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Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity

Les, Kurt, and Jason buckle-in for what they think is going to be a movie completely off the rails, but only moderately (barely) delivers: Lifetime’s Cheer Camp Killer, a diversion that’s only as drama filled as a long read piece about Blac Chyna’s mom Tokyo Toni. For starters, a Lifetime movie with the word “killer” in the title should involve some actual killing of unnecessary characters. And it should have Vivica A. Fox (*Vivica A. Fox did not appear in this movie, and neither did the killing of unnecessary characters). What we DID get as a very Kate Winslet / Frances Fisher in Titanic mother-daughter relationship, a few kids that were actually good at sneakiness, and a full cast of characters that were steeped in mediocrity. And a hot kinesiologist that prompts a 15 minute conversation about how none of the men were shirtless in this movie. 

 

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Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats

Les, Kurt, and Jason lament the essential cancellation of Halloween as we know it, walk of shame and all. (Poor slutty David S. Pumpkin costumes will have to wait until next year). They also offer huge congrats to our friend David Rosen of the Piecing it Together Podcast on his marriage… even if it takes the guys a second to piece together what the name of his podcast is. The Blac Chyna news leads everyone down a rabbit hole about whether it’s easier to transition to porn to so-called legit acting work or vice versa… and whether or not character actors can do it (picture Ed Asner naked, you are welcome). Then, it’s time to embrace the season of FALLmark and Falling for Look Lodge, a Hallmark movie bursting at the seams with the most white people stereotype ever: being really into autumn! Even with boring trivia games, an understaffed and underpopulated lodge, a super weird energy cake tasting, a sinister sister that would totally be a murderous stalker in any other movie, and a dude that’s into a turtle more than a woman (which is obvious to everyone but the woman), the biggest takeaway is that every Hallmark movie is basically Baby Boom. And that Linda Evans used to be married to Yanni. 

 

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Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back in the dojo and all equally obsessed with Cobra Kai, especially the fact that Kim Fields is a presence in season 2 (or, as Jason calls it, season Tootie!). Les tells the other guys that Kim was on a season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta but left because she’s not ratchet (and Kurt learns what that means). After an in-depth discussion of the Chris Evans photo that won the internet (Jason doesn’t want a Hulk penis, btw, but would like a Thor hammer), it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s Deranged Granny. Starring 4-time Cable Ace-winning pescatarian Wendy Malick, this movie had all the potential to be completely off the rails insane, but plays it (somewhat) closer to the vest. What it lacks in overly absurd plot twists, it more than makes up for in experimental cinematography fit for a director’s reel. Malick’s character Barbara bakes! And cooks! And poisons! Though it’s not hard to be evil when your son is a Pansy Paul Rudd, and your daughter in law’s ex has a lightning quick digestive system, even if that doesn’t leave her enough poison to deal with her implied massive rat problem. 

 

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