A Lifetime of Hallmark

Stalked by My Doctor: The Return of Eric Roberts Posing as a Doctor That’s in Your Health Insurance Network

Les, Kurt, and Jason wiped the stink of their most recent snooze fest selection by returning to the fountain of lunacy that is Lifetime’s Stalked by My Doctor series with the second chapter, The Return. After debating whether Blac Chyna-adjacent news is still news, the guys go all in for a movie that shows Eric Roberts doing therapy over Zoom in a pre-pandemic world, conditions us to believe that fashionable personalized life vests are a things, and gives us a delicious recipe for a smoothie filled with pills! Eric Roberts tries to take the blazer-on-a-beach wearing crown from Carnie Wilson, but when Pine Valley looks like Simi Valley, we’re all gonna confuse Mikey Rourke for Mickey Rooney (or is it Andy Rooney?). 

 

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You Had Me at Aloha Says Hello to Goats Having a Moment and Goodbye to 2 Hours of Your Night

es, Kurt, and Jason return from a few weeks off to a movie about a vacation paradise, Hallmark’s You Had Me at Aloha. Sure, the movie could’ve benefitted from some script doctoring from Kurt during his recent hospital stay (or at least some notes from Les’ sister), but at least the movie does finally say Aloha (as in “goodbye”). Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that focuses on the poor judge that, as part of his judicial responsibilities, HAS to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. Then, the guys hit sand to take in this week’s movie. You’d think that with the inexplicably high-fiving extras and Crocodile Dundee rabbit hole that they’d find more to like about this week’s pic, but that’s all counter-balanced by goat imposters and yet another pointless trivia contest. At least this movie’s sidekicks are as fun as a three-part episode of the Brady Bunch.

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Unlike the Friends Reunion, Deceitful Dating Does Not Have a Cameo from Malala Yousafzai

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that the world is opening back up, and Jason coins the phrase “The Whoring 20’s” (though other people have probably used the same term before. The Blac Chyna Report leads to a deep dive on the term “baby mama,” and we learn that Jason could’ve (should’ve) been included in the Friends reunion. Then the guys eventually get into Lifetime’s Deceitful Dating, a movie which feels like each scene was started with poor improv work yet the only through line is that everyone really loves orange juice. This movie doesn’t feature a typical Lifetime villain as much as it does somebody that wants to lurk to get better home design tips in person rather than watching HGTV. Perhaps the most sexless Lifetime movie ever, perhaps the only redeeming element is the way the victim trades beauty tips about her stalker… set to a live score from Les. 

 

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Sweet Carolina is a Two-Way Street of Doucheiness with Motivational Tips from Pinterest

Les, Kurt and Jason try to delay the inevitable: talking about this week’s Hallmark movie. Despite the presence of Queen Lacey Chabert, the guys would much rather discuss a Blac Chyna story involving a hitman as well as a long discussion of late 80’s/early 90’s first run syndication staples like Throb, What’s Happening Now, Small Wonder and Shelly Long. When they DO talk about the movie, they find themself fascinated with grilling whilst bathing, John Grisham novels as porn, and the offensive stealing from (aka homage to) Back to the Future. 

 

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Stalked By My Doctor Eric Roberts, Doll Sniffer and Dodge Stratus Driver

Les, Kurt, and Jason go for a second week in a row with no Blac Chyna News. Thankfully, though, Kurt comes through with news that Eric Roberts was on the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy! That timing is fortuitous since the guys decided to watch another Eric Roberts Lifetime movie, Stalked by My Doctor. They all loved Just What the Doctor Ordered so much, so they decided to go back to where this cinematic universe began… and it did not disappoint! Soapboxing about texting and driving, check! Unfriending someone on social media as the ultimate middle finger, check! Sniffing a doll’s clothes before beating the absolute s*** out of another doll in a fit of entitled rage, check! This movie serves up lunacy and infuriating misogyny in ample amounts, and still has time to work in multiple chloroform scenes. We can talk about it all at the backyard funeral! 

 

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Sun, Sand, and Romance Makes an Indecent Proposal to Suzanne Pleshette

Les, Kurt, and Jason don’t have a Blac Chyna Report, but they DO have an update on Lori Loughlin, yet another discussion of Patti Labelle’s dessert selections, and the concept that Martha Stewart either thugged it our or hugged it our (only autocorrect really knows). Then, they guys (reluctantly) start to dissect Hallmark’s Sun, Sand, and Romance… which is more like Sun, Bland, and Romance (amirite?). Kurt think it’s Hallmark’s first cuckhold movie, Jason points out that the movie’s many empty platitudes are similar to the offerings from the store Successories, and Les gets excited to watch Tony Robbins talkin’ s***. The movie may feature the exact same extras playing resort’s employees AND the guests, but at least a mysterious real estate mogul exerts some Big D energy to liven up your s**tty souvenir shopping montage. 

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A CPR Doll and a Truly Amazingly Insane Movie are Just What the Doctor Ordered

Les, Jason, and Kurt are all super-excited to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie that they barely have any time to even discuss Blac Chyna(!) If you've ever wondered why the guys like Lifetime movies so much, start right here with this one, Just What the Doctor Ordered! It's the FIFTH movie in a franchise that we didn’t know we needed… but boy are we happy when we found it. Jason proclaims that this is the most insane movie we have ever watched for this podcast, and he’s not wrong. It’s got Eric Roberts! Giant Cameras! A CPR dummy that serves as this movie’s “Wilson!” When you’ve got a detective that is all in for the Lars and the Real Girl situation happening and a psychiatrist with clearly undiagnosed OCD, you know you’re in wild time. Even wilder than a night sharing SAG screeners with Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts while Jimmy Buffet makes margaritas! 

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Right in Front of Me are Fred Gwynne, a Scientologist, and 5 Maraschino Cherries

Les, Kurt, and Jason kick off the show having to delicately explain (or imply) what "ski poles" are, then they get excited for the first new Blac Chyna news in weeks (triggering questions about how Blac Chyna would dress for court and why the Kardashians want a free subscription to her Only Fans page). Then it's time to talk about Hallmark's Right in Front of Me, a new movie starring a (very sexy) Phillipino lead, yet another new milestone for the channel. There's also a potential romantic rival named that leads Kurt to genuine introspection on his walk. Les and Jason share potential Scientology recruitment encounters, we learn that eating garnishes is gauche, and Kurt keeps seeing ads for Atlantis gay cruises. But that's all just an onramp to the episode's most important conversation: how do other celeb's hotness stack up to Fred Gwynne (jump ahead to 1:09:21 for that 6 1/2 minute exercise in absurdity). 

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Beware of the Midwife Holding Chloroform and aTruly Gigantic Baby

Les, Kurt, and Jason are stunned but he lack of Blac Chyna news this week, so Les instead offers up a report on Jackee's shenanigans on Days of Our Lives (spoiler: there's A LOT going on including a drunken consolation marriage!) Then, the guys are ready to hold the super gigantic baby at the center of Lifetime's Beware of the Midwife. This movie revels in some (but not all) of Lifetime's best tropes: sneakiness, black hoodies, and baby stealing. But the guys can never figure out where the movie is set (is it New York? Chicago? St. Paul? Pittsburgh?) or why the hospital has such a problem with very basic security procedures. Plus, bigger questions loom including: Would this gigantic baby win in a fight against Bam Bam from the Flintstones? Is that chloroform or poppers? Is the actor playing the lawyer trying to win an Emmy for his 5 and under? Discuss amongst yourselves, just make sure you turn on the water and whisper. 

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One Perfect Wedding Proves That Hallmark is Ready to Show Some Clavicle Now

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready for the latest and final(?) chapter in Hallmark’s “One” trilogy of One Winter Weekend and One Winter Proposal with One Perfect Wedding. Despite having recapped the first 2 movies for this very podcast, Kurt still has no recollection of who these people are. Before we get an answer to “why is the lead of this movie bald now (a popular query on Google), we get an answer to “How has Blac Chyna navigated the pandemic?” Then Les and Jason concur that Kurt, as a background actor in The Trial of the Chicago 7, should technically get to share in that movie’s win at the SAG Awards. Kurt may be a SAG Award Winner, but he is (admittedly) no Dr. Joyce Brothers. Jason ponders if the new Hallmark will eventually mean creatively bleeped F-bombs, and Les offers some sage advice (via Jackee, obviously). Plus, Jason and Les offer some controversial opinions about Brokeback Mountain and Call Me By Your Name even as they wonder if there is squirrel feces in your pinecones. 

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