A Lifetime of Hallmark

This Psycho Stripper May Be a Piece of Meat to Most Women, but hes Has Feelings too

Jason would like you to know that the delay of this episode is entirely his fault, as he has been watching this week's movie Psycho Stripper on a continuous loop. And why wouldn't he? As Les, Kurt, and Jason will show you, this Lifetime gem is BONKERS: There are hot shirtless murderous men. There are characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with. There are straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops. (Context: these are two separate characters). There are alleged professional dancers that may or may not be doing the Curly Shuffle. If you like podcasts with rants about cake boxes, you've found the right episode!

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Morgan Fairchild Gives Us Devil Wears Prada Realness That is Perfect on Paper with a Makeover Montage

After Les, Kurt, and Jason discuss William H. Macy's most-unfortunate trip to the grocery store, they dive right into Hallmark's "Perfect on Paper." Or, at least, Les and Jason THOUGHT they were watching "Perfect on Paper"... until they realize they were duped. They finally found the correct movie, and Hallmark, you had us at the words "Morgan Fairchild!" But then you also gave Les, Kurt, and Jason a reason to start debating the height of King Kong, theories on abnormally fast-growing hair, the most violent scalding hot meet cute ever, and... A MAKEOVER MONTAGE that made Les VERY happy... but not happy enough to walk up a hill.

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Psycho Granny Sees Butter Knife Reflections, Tricks Judgy Undertakers, and Accesses Pee Syringe Jewelry Boxes

After Les, Kurt, and Jason talk yet again about Blac Chyna (#UnhealthyObsession), they dive into "Psycho Granny," a movie that (as Les points out) has everything you could possibly want in a Lifetime movie. By Jason's math, this Granny should be in her 70's, but damn she is STRONG. And pscyho. Like multiple personalities that talk to each other by seeing their reflection in a butter knife psycho. The Psycho Granny is such a criminal mastermind that she didn't even need to change her name as she was moving from state to state to avoid getting caught. Plus, the presence off a pee syringe jewelry box causes Kurt to declare "I don't mind pukin', I just mind poopin'. So go ahead and pour yourself a glass if diner wine (not dinner wine), despite what that judgy undertaker woman thinks!

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Beauty and the Beast's Beast isn't in New England, and that Accent Sure Ain't from Texas, Either

Sure, Robbie Benson can still get it, but even his presence can't save a movie so bad that Les, Kurt and Jason all pact to collectively enact a safeword to keep from watching any more of a movie they all agree is unwatchable. Les is mad at the lack of a makeover montage despite perfectly setting one up, Jason hates the unnecessary use of olive oil, and Kurt is infuriated by the fact that the main character is inexplicably unable to drive stick shift. Even the use of New England as a (possible) sexual fetish can bring this Hallmark movie back down to earth from the land of very very bad accents. 

 

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Kristin Chenoweth, Anna Chlumsky, and Josh Hopkins Get Naked and Break a Gucci heel

Les, Kurt, and Jason deliver another Loghlin Report, this time diving into the news that Lori Loughlin's lawyer thinks there's a way out of the college admissions scandal AND that the scandal is being turned into a TV series. 

 

Plus, much to Kurt's surprise, this week's movie The 12 Men of Christmas isn't from Hallmark (the copious amounts of nudity and pre-marital sex probably should have been a clue that this was clearly Lifetime territory). Les and Jason also realize that they have corresponding characters in this week's movie, and that Kurt re-assesses his sexuality every couple of years... as one does. The only thing missing: an actual ending to the movie. 

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A (not-so-short) Update on Lori Loughlin and... Blac Chyna

Even though Kurt watched the assigned Kristin Chenoweth Lifetime Christmas movie, Les and Jason couldn't pull it together because Avengers: Endgame is 5000 hours long. So instead, the guys give some updates on Lori Loughlin and the college admissions scandal and end up learning about Blac Chyna, as one does.

 

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Ghosts! Time Travel! Parallel Universes! Rob Estes! Edge of the Garden!

Les, Kurt, and Jason endured "Edge of the Garden" starring Rob Estes ("Melrose Place" and "Silk Stalkings" and they have some THOUGHTS. Is this movie about ghosts? Time travel? Parallel universes? Eternal love?Who knows? Who cares? (literally nobody watching this movie cares, for the record). Les's recap of "General Hospital" (including face swapping, twins, and memories on hard drives) is far more interesting than "Edge of the Garden" starring Rob Estes. If you want a super-SLOW movie that lacks the charm of present-day Hallmark movies and seemingly lacks even less logic, then you came to the right place. Plus, Jason hatches a plan to create an "Edge of the Garden Cinematic Universe," Kurt realizes he's being Queer-Eyed (thanks, beard oil!)

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Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg will bring potpourri-infused pot to your Mommy Group Murder if Marsha Warfield is there

Les, Kurt, and Jason give the latest update on Lori Loughlin before diving into a movie about postpartum depression, new friendship, cheating, murder, and the wrong way to store orange juice and Marie Callender pies. 

Feel free to transcribe this podcast for use in your college thesis... or just bring Nancy Walker back from the dead to do a Google search for you.

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True Love Blooms for Sara Rue, Mary Tyler Moore, and Marie Kondo

This movie has EVERYTHING one could want in a Hallmark movie: A busy woman with no time for love. A high-powered man who threatens to take away the only joy in the woman's life holds. A premise that involves some aspects of DIY (hello, gardening!). A buildup to a big event in town (this movie has THREE of those events, BTW). The community rallying together. And a single somewhat chaste kiss. As the guys sort through it all, Les and Jason point out to Kurt all of the very blatant produce innuendo that he missed. 

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James Franco + Tori Spelling + Vampire (err Nightwalker) Lesbians = Not Really a Remake

James Franco could barely be bothered to show up on set for his 2016 "remake" of the Lifetime staple "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger." Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei return from the original, but little else remains from the original. Les, Kurt, and Jason also learn that this update has a dude named Bob, a whole lotta photo shoot montages, an overabundance of a Shakespearean play whose name Kurt and Les won't say (Jason'll say it: "Macbeth"), and a severe lack of lighting and Tori Spelling rowboating. 

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