A Lifetime of Hallmark
BONUS EPISODE: Psycho Sister In Law Serves Up So Much Breakfast and Brushes its Way into Las Vegas’ Thriving Theater Scene

BONUS EPISODE: Psycho Sister In Law Serves Up So Much Breakfast and Brushes its Way into Las Vegas’ Thriving Theater Scene

November 15, 2020

It's time for a bonus episode. This episode was originally set to be released before the podcast switched into holiday movie mode, but was delayed due to technical difficulties (and even more technical difficulties after the fact). 

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back the wonderful David Rosen from the Piecing it Together Podcast (www.piecingpod.com / @piecingpod). This week’s movie is a doozy from Lifetime called Psycho Sister-In-Law, and it features a lot of breakfast, and even more hair brushing for all the June Squibb fans that saw Space Jam in the theater like young Kurt. What the movie lacks in logic, it more than makes up for with countless characters, and a never-ending list of ways to say the name Kelly/Callie. Of critical importance, though, is that there are numerous shots of cannolis and cupcakes and a pregnant woman doing some John Wick s**t. 

 

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One Royal Holiday Knows You Don’t Want a King Ralph Situation As You Lick a Donut or a Galwickian Yule Cake

One Royal Holiday Knows You Don’t Want a King Ralph Situation As You Lick a Donut or a Galwickian Yule Cake

November 12, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for another Blac Chyna Report, but Jason and Les notice that it's quite lacking in news about Black Chyna herself. We DO get some belated news about Lori Loughlin... which leads the guys down a rabbit hole about David Lee Roth from Van Halen, Paul Lynde shouting "Roots" to Levar Burton, and Fred Schneider of the B-52's shouting "pineapple!" But you won't find any pineapple in any of the crullers or Galwickian Yule Cakes at the center of Hallmark's "One Royal Holiday." You will, though, find a hot security guy who, a prince with Covid hair, and a bed and breakfast superdome! As Kurt has his Norma Rae Moment and Les gets on board with the idea of a Laverne Cox-fronted remake of Tootsie, Jason makes notes of Hallmark's passive aggressive ghost writers. In the end, though, the takeaway from this episode is that Les knows Melissa McCarthy and hasn't (yet) booked her to be a guest on the podcast... and that one can get c**kblocked by "Joy to the World."

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Hello Daddy, Parker Lewis has Hired the Wrong Cheerleader Coach

Hello Daddy, Parker Lewis has Hired the Wrong Cheerleader Coach

November 3, 2020

Les almost forgot he was recording a podcast with Kurt and Jason, but once he remembers, it’s an opportunity for Kurt to make the analogy that Rob Kardashian is to Keeping Up with the Kardashians : Warren Beatty is to Madonna Truth or Dare. Then, the guys pick out their best stalking outfit to dissect Lifetime’s The Wrong Cheerleader Coach, a movie that more than makes up for the absences of Tracy Nelson and Eric Roberts with the addition of Tara Reid and an until-now underused Courtyard by Marriot Fitness Center. Kurt’s pheromone’s may be wasted due to the pandemic, but Corin Nemic’s pheromones have a hold on every single woman in this movie. They’ve even affected Les who was compelled to Shazam some of this movie’s production music. If you’re looking for an incredibly long tangent about actors’ unions and a discussion about male models playing detectives, you’ve found the RIGHT podcast talking about The Wrong Cheerleader Coach. 

 

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My Best Friend’s Bouquet Lands in the Cornhole of Your Heart

My Best Friend’s Bouquet Lands in the Cornhole of Your Heart

October 31, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason learn that they were talked about on somebody else’s podcast (how meta!) and discuss what qualities would make for a good celebrity Only Fans page. Then, they wait to catch My Best Friend’s Bouquet, a movie that may be Hallmark’s most diverse one ever thanks to many recycled sidekicks from Hallmark movies past. In addition to diversity, this movie had giant scarves (SO many giant scarves), leftover scones (noted by Kurt), and the possibility of old teeth in a ring box (imagery courtesy of Jason). We also get the sense that Hallmark is getting turnt, as evidenced by incrusted drinking and extensive talk of corn holing and a very slight insinuation that a character may have been pregnant before marriage. It really is a whole new Hallmark!

 

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Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity

Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity

October 28, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason buckle-in for what they think is going to be a movie completely off the rails, but only moderately (barely) delivers: Lifetime’s Cheer Camp Killer, a diversion that’s only as drama filled as a long read piece about Blac Chyna’s mom Tokyo Toni. For starters, a Lifetime movie with the word “killer” in the title should involve some actual killing of unnecessary characters. And it should have Vivica A. Fox (*Vivica A. Fox did not appear in this movie, and neither did the killing of unnecessary characters). What we DID get as a very Kate Winslet / Frances Fisher in Titanic mother-daughter relationship, a few kids that were actually good at sneakiness, and a full cast of characters that were steeped in mediocrity. And a hot kinesiologist that prompts a 15 minute conversation about how none of the men were shirtless in this movie. 

 

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Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats

Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats

October 5, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason lament the essential cancellation of Halloween as we know it, walk of shame and all. (Poor slutty David S. Pumpkin costumes will have to wait until next year). They also offer huge congrats to our friend David Rosen of the Piecing it Together Podcast on his marriage… even if it takes the guys a second to piece together what the name of his podcast is. The Blac Chyna news leads everyone down a rabbit hole about whether it’s easier to transition to porn to so-called legit acting work or vice versa… and whether or not character actors can do it (picture Ed Asner naked, you are welcome). Then, it’s time to embrace the season of FALLmark and Falling for Look Lodge, a Hallmark movie bursting at the seams with the most white people stereotype ever: being really into autumn! Even with boring trivia games, an understaffed and underpopulated lodge, a super weird energy cake tasting, a sinister sister that would totally be a murderous stalker in any other movie, and a dude that’s into a turtle more than a woman (which is obvious to everyone but the woman), the biggest takeaway is that every Hallmark movie is basically Baby Boom. And that Linda Evans used to be married to Yanni. 

 

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Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards

Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards

September 23, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back in the dojo and all equally obsessed with Cobra Kai, especially the fact that Kim Fields is a presence in season 2 (or, as Jason calls it, season Tootie!). Les tells the other guys that Kim was on a season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta but left because she’s not ratchet (and Kurt learns what that means). After an in-depth discussion of the Chris Evans photo that won the internet (Jason doesn’t want a Hulk penis, btw, but would like a Thor hammer), it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s Deranged Granny. Starring 4-time Cable Ace-winning pescatarian Wendy Malick, this movie had all the potential to be completely off the rails insane, but plays it (somewhat) closer to the vest. What it lacks in overly absurd plot twists, it more than makes up for in experimental cinematography fit for a director’s reel. Malick’s character Barbara bakes! And cooks! And poisons! Though it’s not hard to be evil when your son is a Pansy Paul Rudd, and your daughter in law’s ex has a lightning quick digestive system, even if that doesn’t leave her enough poison to deal with her implied massive rat problem. 

 

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Love in the Forecast Benjamin Button-s Through A Once-Promising Career Towards a Mediocre Internship

Love in the Forecast Benjamin Button-s Through A Once-Promising Career Towards a Mediocre Internship

September 18, 2020

Even as Les, Kurt, and Jason come to the realization that they should be Hallmark and Lifetime movie consultants (and that Kurt should be a Blac Chyna consultant) they somehow missed the opportunity to say the phrase “when it rains, it bores.” Even without that profound piece of wisdom, you’ll still be treated to a very important discussion of sprinkles vs. jimmies before reading the temperature of Hallmark’s Love in the Forecast. If you ever wondered what it’s like to get fully stalked in Arkansas… in a Hallmark movie, by many people including a poor man’s Adam Devine, look no further than this movie which makes Les rail against people he finds un attractive. As our heroine Benjamin Buttons her way through a career by using a Rube Goldberg device to predict  the weather, Jason is collecting S&H Green Stamps to be able to buy the love the Lifetime of Hallmark fan army of dairy farmers. 

 

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Wedding Every Weekend Has Lesbians! Interracial Couples! No Dead Parents! Bears! Mr. Belvedere!

Wedding Every Weekend Has Lesbians! Interracial Couples! No Dead Parents! Bears! Mr. Belvedere!

August 18, 2020

Les, Kurt, and Jason dissect a pretty monumental movie for Hallmark because it rather prominently features a same-sex couple. So after diving into Blac Chyna's visit to a sex shop at the top of Jason's street, the guys dig into Wedding Every Weekend. No, the prominently featured lesbian couple is not the focus of the movie, but they are still just to the left of front-and center in a movie that Les thinks pulls out all the stops by Hallmark standards (though Jason thinks they've only barely slowed down for the Yield sign). If the lesbians, interracial couples and lack of dead parents aren't enough to entice you, maybe some incredibly long tangents about Jane Fonda and the absurd lack of priorities within the 80's sitcom Mr. Belvedere will help make you realize how flakiness is actually an essential and life skill. Why exactly are they having a wedding in the middle of bear country? Consider that question and Herbie the Love Bug's sexuality as you enjoy your cake from The Abbey... unless being alone is your jam.

 

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The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin’ Go Down

August 13, 2020

Les starts the show by trolling Kurt (and, to a lesser extent, Jason) about the fact that they have yet to see some of the most iconic movies of all time (and we're not talking Hallmark and Lifetime movies). We learn the exciting news that Les used his snooping superpowers to help his husband find some biological family members. Plus, Les and Kurt JUST NOW realized that the Blac Chyna Report intro that Jason produced largely uses Trump's inability to normally pronounce the word "China." And that's all before jumping into a new Lifetime Cinematic Universe that's anchored by The Twisted Nanny. If you're looking for a movie that gives a masterclass in strobe light stabbings, a-hole children, and gaslighting literally everyone in your life, you've found it along with the major news outlets covering all the CPS house calls today. 

 

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