A Lifetime of Hallmark

My Husband’s Seven Wives Made a Tater Tot Casserole for Two Charming Criminals

Les, Kurt, and Jason start things off from a tense place because Les was not prepared for what he’d experienced watching Hulu’s “Good American Family” about the Natalia Grace / Zelda Rubenstein saga (which should have starred June Squibb). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her giving back after the Eaton Fire… but Jason questions exactly WHAT she (and the charity and Access Hollywood) are actually doing to actually give back (nobody knows). Then it’s time to walk the aisle with Lifetime’s My Husband’s Seven Wives which, according to the movie, opens a Pandora’s box of bigamy. Suze Orman Tip: Don’t have so many wives), but DO have access to a library that abruptly closes but is somehow always open. 

 

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Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, Inc.

Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, IncLes, Kurt, and Jason, quite inexplicably, forgot to talk about June Squibb on the Oscars, but do take a second to talk about Jason’t Hairy Sussex. Then, Kurt’s nightmares are haunted by smart little precocious girls thanks to Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass and Jason is thoroughly confused and intrigued by the animated movie about Charles Darwin, Jesus, and a (talking?) cat. Then it’s time to get into Hallmark’s Sisterhood, Inc. staring Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Wagner, and a twink but has nothing to do with joining a convent but is so efficiently filmed that it also could be used as foreign propaganda, B-roll for the show Severance, and effective footwear advertising. 

 

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Use Opera Glasses to See Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, and Greer Grammer Held Hostage in My House Making Hobo Dinners with Jason Dubray

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by friend of the pod Jason Dubray of The Shelf Shedding Movie Show podcast (@the_shelf_shedding_movie_show), and the guys all have OPINIONS about The Academy Awards (but somehow neglected to talk about the fantastic June Squibb bit). Blac Chyna has been sober for 900 days, and that leads to a discussion about apps for tracking ones sobriety. Les saw a public proposal (gasp) at The Eagle (double gasp) in front of a crowd that was there to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race (triple gasp). Then it’s time to go down the rabbit (K) hole that is Held Hostage in My House, a 2024 movie that aired on Lifetime in Canada starring Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, Greer Grammer, and a bunch of ants. So many ants. The main takeaway from the movie: there’s a kids version of Uber. Don’t forget to drop your hobo dinner recipes into the comments. 

 

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The Wish Swap May Be Lacking Details, but at Least There is Breakfast Cake

Les, Kurt, and Jason were ready to rub the lamp, throw a coin in a fountain, or blow out a candle to conjure up SOMETHING from this week’s movie, Hallmark’s The Wish Swap, but so far they haven’t had any traction. Blac Chyna is getting traction for an appearance on Piers Morgan’s show, and Maya Rudolph is getting an apology from Kurt if Les and Jason have any say! Then it’s time to wish that something happens in The Wish Swap, but the movie can’t even produce simple details like a town where the movie is set, the last name of the host of a wildly popular television show, or an explanation as to why this show had no live audience. This would have benefitted tremendously from a good dose of Aunt Gert, but instead there’s a lassoing at a farm montage that even Les couldn’t get on board with. Somebody should have wished for another pass at the script. 

 

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Trapped in the Spotlight with Chloroform, Shock Collars, and a Microsoft Zune

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with another episode and Les and Jason are happy to find out that Kurt has finally seen Wicked… until he shares his less than favorable opinion of the movie. Then, the Blac Chyna Report turns into a theology lesson… which itself turns into a deep dive into the #FreeWendyWilliams movement. Then, it’s time to get Trapped in the Spotlight, a Lifetime movie that Jason believes is the dumbest movie they’ve ever watched for the podcast (and he loved it). In addition to the long-overdue return of chloroform, this movie has perfect hairstyle that Les may start rocking soon, and an architectural design that disregards the sound design needs of a recording studio in favor of lots of reflective glass and places to chain people up. If you’re a fan of hidden messages that can can be easily seen in plain sight, then fire up your Microsoft Zune before Kurt gets cancelled. 

 

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Lacey Chabert Finds An Unexpected Valentine In a Hallmark Movie that Doesn’t Take Place in a Small Town

Les, Kurt, and Jason are sweet on this week’s Valentine's Day movie for successfully breaking from the typical Hallmark formula in so many ways. But first, TheGrapeJuice.net is your new second favorite source for Blac Chyna news (after this podcast), and they know that Tokyo Toni is stirring it up with GloRilla. Then, the guys hop in the (not) Uber of An Unexpected Valentine. This movie doesn’t just extend Lacey Chabert’s reign as the queen of Hallmark, it solidifies it even while straying from the norms: the entire movie takes place on a single day, in a big city, showing us in real time how the couple falls for each other. Grab your chocolate purse and be ready to accept the proposal before being mesmerized by fireworks. 

 

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My Sister’s Serial Killer Boyfriend Wore a Black Hoodie to Travel to Atlanta from the Upper or Lower Midwest

Les, Kurt, and Jason are amping up for Oscar season by discussing more of the nominated movies they’ve seen… and this offering from Lifetime. But first, Blac Chyna is upset with Tristian Thompson referring to Dream as his daughter (which seems even more insane choking someone with a charging cable. Then, the guys get in the sandbox (figuratively, there definitely was no sandbox in this movie) to discuss Lifetime’s My Sister’s Serial Killer Boyfriend. Even if you’re duped by a Danny J. Boyle, you’ll immediately spot that this features graduate-level work from the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts that may finally solve why the cops in Lifetime movies never want to do their jobs: because they dumped after falling in love from bathroom sex. 

 

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Emma Roberts Goes on a Holidate with Kristen Chenoweth in a Hard R Romantic Comedy that did not feature Ryan Gosling or Erma Bombeck

Les, Kurt and Jason are back to check in with each other because there’s been a lot going on… and because Les and Kurt finally saw Demi Moore’s face in her butt (because they saw The Substance). If the same thing happened to Kurt, he thinks a dermatologist may want Kurt to explain why it happened… but Jason thinks that would most certainly be the dermatologist’s job. Then the guys dream cast that the perfect face talking from our butts on this should should be Blac Chyna, who thinks that Cardi B should be talking of HER butt when it comes to Offset. Then, the guys are ready to talk about the 2020 Netflix movie Holidate. Les picked the movie thinking it would be very much in the wheelhouse of this podcast, but it turns out that Holidate is a broad hard R romantic comedy in which we get to see Kristen Chenoweth play very much against type, a father daughter dance at a wedding done to a very inappropriate song choice, and some very unnecessary bowel movement sound effects. This movie did not (despite some confusion) feature Ryan Gosling OR Erma Bombeck.

 

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Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Chenoweth Let a Little B**ch Altar Boy in on Our Little Secret, and it Looks a Lot Like the Head of Doris Roberts

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for their first show of 2025, but have to catch up on their time away and of course the Wildfires in Los Angeles. 2025 has been the longest year ever, and we’re only halfway through January! Then Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that seems to point to there being plenty more Blac Chyna news for years to come! Then, even though the holidays are over, the guys are eager to talk about Netflix’s Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Chenoweth movie Our Little Secret. Could the movie have handled Dementia a bit more sensitively? Sure! Does the movie feature Stranger Things in a passing of time montage that should have become a full-on Netflix sizzle real? Also sure! With Tim Meadows, Chris Parnell, Deby Reyes, and Dan Bucatinsky and a douchey 18-ish Ronan Farrow (ish), this one is worth a watch. 

 

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A Nurse to Die For Better Watch Her Back Cuz Caryn Richman is a Badass Gidget

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome special guest Caryn Richman @carynrichman) to this week’s show! Caryn isn’t just a regular fixture in the Lifetime cinematic universe, she is also part of the Brady and Gidget cinematic universes, too. Yes, the guys have LOTS of Brady questions for her, and yes Caryn is absolutely delighted to answer them all! Plus, now Caryn knows where to go for all things Blac Chyna related! Then, they talk about 2023’s Lifetime movie “A Nurse to Die For” which features some bad snooping, a bunch of burner phones being used to low-key audition for SNL, and Caryn in a truly badass role that actually sent her to the hospital in real life! This episode is a must listen!

 

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