A Lifetime of Hallmark

Killer Grades Are Given for Aging Out of Being a Twink (like Menudo)

Killer Grades Are Given for Aging Out of Being a Twink (like Menudo)

 

Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in the afterglow of their interview with the PornHub Math Teacher (check out the bonus episode that was released just before this episode), but they’re here to explore the way the Amityville Intellectual Property is being exploited. Plus, Les and Jason explain to Kurt (in a very quiet soothing tone) what ASMR is. Then Kurt delivers A LOT of Blac Chyna news (She’s being sued! She’s doing celebrity boxing!) And, of course, the guys have to dissect a movie, and Killer Grades from Lifetime certainly offers a lot to discuss. If you’re looking for intense nerds, Gremlins rules for dosing drugs, and an Academic Decathlon that makes an MMA fight seem quaint, then you’ve found the right movie (and the right podcast). 

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

BONUS: Interview with the PornHub Math Teacher

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to talk to one of their bucket-list interview subjects (no, not Blac Chyna): the PornHub Math Teacher, Chang Hsu! The guys have been (not-so) low-key obsessed ever since they learned that there was someone teaching math (and making a good amount of money doing it) by uploading his SFW videos to PornHub. Maybe it’s his Master’s in Mathematics, or maybe it’s his play hard study hard ethos. Either way, he’s found a truly unique way to incentivize learning! You can find Chang Hsu on TikTok and (yes) PornHub @Changhsumath666.

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Pretty Little Dead Girl Has Low Blood Sugar and Lots of Lingerie but No Black Hoodie

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back together, figuratively, as Les is in Ireland while Kurt holds things down in New Jersey and Jason does the same in California. The guys have a lot to get to including the biggest Blac Chyna news report ever, and the fact that Les and Jason get to meet a ton of Lifetime stars at a screening of The Wrong Blind Date (Jason even wore a black hoodie for the occasion). Then Kurt and Jason recap Lifetime Movie Network’s “Pretty Little Dead Girl” for Les (since he can’t watch the movie in Ireland). Les, without even having seen the movie, already senses trouble when he finds out there’s no black hoodie in this movie. Nor is there any baby switching of swapping of identities despite plot points that would have made either somewhat plausible. The movie, though, does feature people tweaking out on Diet Coke (probably), others experiencing low blood sugar for turning down a cookie that ISN’T stupid, and… a twist. Plus a schmaltzy ending. 

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Love, Classified has Pansexuals, Heavy Drinking, and Even Feet Stuff

Les, Kurt, and Jason gather to discuss what may very well be Hallmark’s most progressive movie ever. But first, there’s big news about Candace Cameron Bure post-Hallmark. And there’s even bigger news about the Blac Chyna / Kardashian trial (Tokyo Toni isn’t allowed in the courtroom… but Jason almost was, maybe). Then it’s time to peruse Love, Classified, a Hallmark movie starring Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office, and she who was cast and then fired from the role of Jennifer in the Back to the Future movies). The movie also stars Max Lloyd Jones (from Hallmark’s When Calls the Heart, and who used to work with Jason!) If you’re looking about a movie revolving around a much nicer version of the Next Door app, then you’ve found it… especially if you also want that movie to touch on pansexuality, intense grief, estranged family, and an almost date between mother and son! This movie is a big swing from Hallmark, so much so that Les thinks it’s his favorite Hallmark movie ever. 

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Fatal Fandom has Twinks, Tacos, Crickets, and Death by Bandana

Les, Kurt, and Jason get the to bottom of a very important question: Does Les think Nash Bridges is hot? (Spoiler: yes). But that doesn’t make Redd Foxx a Silver Fox. Then it’s time to celebrate Kurt’s birthday with a new manicure (Blac Chyna got one,) and (eventually) some cake. After jumping into a Ryan Seacrest / McLean Stevenson / David Caruso / Shelly Long rabbit hole, the guys finally get to Fatal Fandom, the Lifetime Movie Network movie that may have changed Kurt’s life. This movie has grapefruits with salt and the loudest tacos and crickets ever heard on film. There’s also shirtless working out (which could have just have easily been shirtless computer work) and special instructions to give your Grubhub driver if you’re stalking someone. Go to Encino to get your blazer, because we have a nice hot fudge sundae for you!

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

BONUS EPISODE: Christina DeRosa from Drowning in Secrets Is NOT Alyssa Milano but IS Helping Female Directors, Writers, and Producers

On this special Bonus Episode the guys welcome Actress / Producer / Good Human Christina DeRosa from Lifetime Movie Network’s Drowning in Secrets. Christina is at the top of the call sheet now, and she’s schooling Les, Kurt, and Jason on Situational Awareness (she talks to the extras!). Plus, Christina is gonna make Jason’s gay teen heartthrob dreams come true while also confirming that she is NOT Jennifer Beals (nor is she Alyssa Milano). Christina also checks some Susan Lucci fandom boxes for Les, and lets Kurt know that Little Orphan Annie was NOT in the Wizard of Oz with Natalie Portman (but Christina was!) Please check out a charity near and dear to Christina’s heart, fastfoward.org and check out Christina on Instagram and TikTok @actresschristinaderosa. 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

A Little Daytime Drama Can Happen When You’re Not Actually Hiking to the Hollywood Sign

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back and ready to talk about some Blac Chyna drama, some Will Smith / Chris Rock / Jada Pinkett-Smith Oscars drama, and the Hallmark movie A Little Daytime Drama. Before you watch the movie, you should seriously go look up clips of the early 90’s talk show Attitudes to really soak in some peak Linda Dano and Nancy Glass (or look up clips from SNL of Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks). Then, you’ll be primed for this soap opera-set movie that has a questionable understanding of Los Angeles and Hollywood geography, how many pages of script a soap can film in a day, and how a dog’s reaction means that the characters have been… intimate. If this movie isn’t for you, you can always look at the content on PosthumusPorn.com. 

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Drowning in Secrets Star Laura Poe is Grilled about Empty Cups, Search Party Food Platters, and Shetland Ponies

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome special guest Laura Poe to talk about her Lifetime movie Drowning in Secrets! Laura is nursing many broken bones after a snowmobiling accident, but is still very game to talk about her movie, Blac Chyna news, and the (seemingly sudden) popularity of this podcast in Australia! Plus, Kurt lets Jason know that he’s mad because Jason (seemingly) unleashed ghosts on him (see last week’s podcast). Then they all get in the water with Drowning in Secrets, a movie featuring sisters that clearly don’t communicate well with each other, fabulous pearls and Burberry umbrellas, former teen heartthrobs David Chokachi and Jason London, and a crash course in Gaslighting 101. This movie also features a hint of Prince’s fashion sense mixed with some Billionaire Boys Club preppy hotness as well as some relaxing coffee and Yankee Candles.

 

Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

If Walls Could Talk They’d Tell Meghan Markle Jr. About Amityville in Space

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a few weeks off, and they have a lot to catch up on, Les was recognized for his work whilst nude! Kurt heard back from the PornHub math teacher (he actually heard back months ago, but didn’t check Twitter)! Jason sent a friend a neon fruit sign! Then, they dive right into Lifetime’s If Walls Could Talk featuring a house that may be haunted by someone not terribly concerned with the drought. The guys were super excited to see the movie since it features friend-of-the-pod Meredith Thomas doing fantastic nosy neighbor work here (and concerned neighbor, too). Meredith, of course, has fantastic outfits (teaching Kurt about Laura Petrie). Jason, on the other hand, was so concerned about the casket carrying in the movie that he actually found a blog with tips on how to carry one!  If this house is haunted, Kurt will not be living there because he does not have the time, he’s too busy watching Amityville in Space!

 

Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser Assemble Again for The Wedding Veil Legacy, This Time It’s Personal

Les, Kurt, and Jason are the podcast equivalent of Lacey Chabert, Autumn Reeser, and Allison Sweeney, only the guys aren’t sharing a wedding veil (you gotta listen to the pod to see what they think guys would share amongst themselves). But first, Kurt has some opinions on the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (not to be confused with The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), and some big Blac Chyna news. Then Les claims that a trend that started on an episode of Seinfeld is now growing in the real world. But then it’s time for the guys to once again put on The Wedding Veil for Hallmark’s The Wedding Veil Legacy (this time it’s personal). Among other things, it features a (possibly) racist Nonna and a character that may be luring young children with the promise of historical poetry. What this movie lacks in some much-needed face tattoos, it more than makes up for in fabulous turtlenecks and squirting cannoli cream. And at the end of the day, it all makes for a solid episode of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries' new romantic dramedy Wedding Veil and Tux. 

 

Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark

Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com