A Lifetime of Hallmark

Steel Yourself, You’re Not Gonna See a Unit in My Southern Family Christmas, but You Will See Bruce Campbell, Moira Kelly, and a Nick Cannon Advent Calendar of Babies

Les, Kurt, and Jason are bracing for the cold with Kurt’s extensive collection of crazy holiday cat sweaters, and Jason’s gonna need ‘em if he gets Busy in Brooklyn this weekend! Les needs to know who Bruce Campbell is (is he a journeyman actor?). Then after some uneventful Blac Chyna news, a bite of sushi in the bathtub with Zoe Kravitz, and a quick browse of the Skymall catalog, the guys are ready to celebrate My Southern Family Christmas. This Hallmark entry didn’t need its romantic storyline since it’s overflowing with never-fully-explained backstory about Bruce Campbell’s character. Did he have a drug problem? Was he in jail? Why are there seemingly so few black people in this town in Louisiana? If you like meat pies, lame icing fights, and have a Rick Moranis fetish, then this movie is for you! 

 

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Three Wise Men and a Baby and a QR Code to Buy Hallmark Wine

Les, Kurt, and Jason are now officially in their “tax” season as the holiday movie season has begun with Hallmark’s highest rated movie since 2019, Three Wise Men and a Baby. But first, a Margaret Colin (not Laura Kightlinger) rabbit hole, Blac Chyna Chyna news involving fondant, and Kurt learned about “sides.” Then, Hallmark cuts right to the chase with a shirtless man in a towel right at the top of the movie, so you know the office fun committee aren’t the ones planning this movie; if they had then there'd be a performance from a (non-drag) Britney Spears impersonator and the real William Hung with a special appearance from the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady. Our new more progressive Hallmark has pill popping, a very laissez faire Child Protective Services division, and Christmas Music remixed by Skrillex (probably). As you drink from your keg of eggnog, don’t forget to tell us you’re in a communist country without telling us you’re in a communist country.

Lindsay Lohan is Falling for Christmas in Netflix’s (Unauthorized) Sequel to Overboard and Unbreakable We Didn’t Know We Needed

Les, Kurt and Jason are breaking from the norm by analyzing a Netflix holiday movie, Falling for Christmas! It’s currently the number 1 movie in the world on the platform, also features Glee and Acapulco star Chord Overstreet and General Hospital and Melrose Place vet Jack Wagner! Plus The Young and the Restless vet Michael Damian is a producer, so there’s a lot to discuss! Jason has an idea for a reality show hosted by Yoko Ono! Kurt wants to get in the game of flipping houses… gingerbread houses! Les is treated to so very many montages! And all 3 guys are in agreement that Lindsay and Chord weren’t the couple REALLY at the center of the story. So throw a Yule log in the fire as we look for a hot pink blob in the snow! 

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Deadly Garage Sale Isn’t Profitable Despite An Office Evite Promoting Grossly Overpriced Pine Cones

Les, Kurt, and Jason (and Les’ cat) are ready to rummage through Lifetime Movie Networks’ offerings and find a good bargain in the form of Deadly Garage Sale. But first we find out why Kurt was shamed at a Cub Scout Meeting (thanks, Bobby Helms!), a new specifically violent detail is learned in the Blac Chyna Rob Kardashian saga (a thrown patio chair!), and we learn that Les culturally appropriated green face for Halloween while Jason wore an adult diaper, naturally. Then, it’s time to check out the deals at Deadly Garage Sale, a Lifetime movie that starts strong with a Sweaty Swarthy Frank Zappa! Les may relate a little too well to having to help someone navigate tech, but we can all relate to HOA’s from hell, even if the hellscape is littered with so very very many yard sales. (Sidetone from Jason: I write these episode recaps, and I’m angry at all of us for never addressing that we never actually witness a GARAGE sale in this movie because we never even see the inside of a garage!). Consider this your Evite to a Garage Sale in the Santa Clarita Valley, complete with a screening of the OnlyFans page of Rick Breedlove. 

 

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Let’s Get Physical with Jenna Dewan + Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelas’ Son in a Tale of Double Standards and George Goebel

Les, Kurt, and Jason are all warmed up and ready for Lifetime’s Let’s Get Physical. But before they hop on the pole, the guys need to talk about veteran character actor George Goebel and whether or not Blac Chyna sex trafficked TikToker Ava Louise. And we learn about Jason’s experience on the @PodMeetsWorld podcast where he talked about his time as a background actor on Boy Meets World (and his many many recent run-ins with @BenSavage. Then they’re ready for the movie which is produced by Jenna Dewan (one of the stars) along with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelas. Kelly and Mark’s son is in the movie, too, along with his muffins and a… “cookie.” If you’re looking for a movie with loud sex that you hear but never see, you’ve found it! So let’s discuss a reverse mortgage while doing reverse cowgirl and have a dance party in prison!

 

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Luke MacFarlane Tries to Score at Taking a Shot at Love but Puck Juggles into Being a Commentary on Slumlords with S’mores

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to wade into the Bros discourse by taking a look one one of Luke MacFarlane’s latest Hallmark movies, Taking a Shot at Love. But first the guys all share their Judy Tenuta stories: Judy was booed off stage at Kurt’s college, so Kurt walked out too! Jude raided the prize file cabinet of a famous radio personality! Judy gave Les some great career advice! Then we learn that Blac Chyna is starting to bare more for her OnlyFans page, and the guys start to strategize having Tokyo Toni on the podcast in hopes of eventually landing Chyna as a guest, too! Then it’s time to hit the ice for Taking a Shot at Love. The guys picked the movie since it starts Hallmark staple and current Bros co-star Luke MacFarlane, but the lack of a busy heroine, some unnecessary ethnic ambiguity, and a whole lotta cock blocking (or is it that a cock crowed), keep this from being the barnburner one might hope. If you plan to watch this, check your house to see if there are any non-hot people (and call the police if necessary), but do not eat a S’more, and do not accidentally go cruising. 

 

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Ruthless Realtor Sells Us on a Weekend Getaway in Santa Clarita Where One Can Mount a Pregnancy Test at the Frame Store

Les, Kurt, and Jason do their first-ever topless podcast (at least Les is). For the second week in a row, Jason is super skeptical of Kurt’s Blac Chyna report claiming Chyna is earning $20-million on OnlyFans, and Tokyo Toni agrees! Then the guys put in a bid for Lifetime’s Ruthless Realtor featuring a potential villain named Meg (NUTMeg) that is the girl at the audition that everyone tries to sit on the other side of the room to get away from. But Meg knows that a Brisket is a powerful tool, so powerful that Les thinks Kurt could date her, off-putting beret and all (Even Monica Lewinsky couldn’t ROCK one). See this movie if only to witness the new advancements in the way victims are drugged in a Lifetime movie and to learn about the law through post-it notes. 

 

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BONUS: A Deep Dive on the 1989 Jackee TV Pilot

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after an extended break of dealing with many personal and professional ups and downs. But to make it up to the faithful listeners, the guys decided to jump back into the grind with a very special BONUS episode about Jackee, the 1989 pilot for a spinoff of 227! But first, the guys debate whether it’s Evan possible that Blac Chyna earned 240 million last year on OnlyFans. Then it’s time to watch the pilot (at 1.25 speed for Jason!). Sure, Sandra is more likable since she’s running an Italian restaurant out of her apartment, but it sucks that her new job working in the porn industry is cut short so she can work at a combination gym and nail salon (these are actual details!). With a wardrobe from Chess King, a surly receptionist, and a cameo from Pearl, it’s a wonder that this wasn’t picked up to series!

 

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Keeping up with the Joneses: The Wrong Nemesis is not Theodore Rex, He’s Theodore NEXT with Meredith Thomas

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back very good friend of the show Meredith Thomas back to talk about her latest project. Meredith is Lifetime Royalty at this point, so it’s exciting that she’s now making moves behind the camera as the Second Unit Director for Keeping up with the Joneses. Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that Meredith and all of us are trying to wrap our head around (Courage). Then it’s time for Keeping up with the Joneses: The Wrong Nemesis (the first episode of season 2). Les schools everyone on great deployment of the soap trope “you never find a body.” There’s a lot of references to the “Whoopi Goldberg did a movie with a dinosaur” film Theodore Rex. Plus, with an expanded hoodie budget, (somewhat surprisingly) no welding, and shady money exchanges that feel like selling something through Craigslist, this movie is the right catalyst to teach us that sexism even persists in the boys’ club of ecoterrorists. Lesson learned: landladies can be spies, too. 

 

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Catherine Bell at a Casual Prison with No Boundaries Means She’ll become Jailbreak Lovers with a Guy that Plays the Ukelele

Les, Kurt, and Jason may (or may not) have survived the Fourth of July, but the jury is still out whether they survived this week’s Lifetime movie “Jailbreak Lovers.” But first, Kurt shares the incredibly riveting news that Blac Chyna Drinks 2 cups of coffee a day! Listener Lisa contacted us to let us know she enjoyed our banter about notaries, and Les’ sister Anita contacted Les to thank Kurt and Jason for saving Les’ life! Then, the guys don't beat around the bush (though someone should) when it comes to this ripped-from-the-headlines (and Dateline NBC) movie about Toby Dorr and John Maynard. The guys think Catherine Bell is far too attractive to be the dupe in this particular set of circumstances. That could have been fixed by some haircuts and dye rather than a sketch comedy old person wig that doesn’t get used. Ironically, it’s not the old person wig that has Les thinking one of the characters looks like George Washington (not Thomas Edison… and definitely Ben Franklin, oops). A good disguise also didn’t stop these characters from being genuine morons (as was the case in the real life story as well). But, honestly, anyone could break out of a prison that disciplines inmates with the honor system. 

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