A Lifetime of Hallmark

Deep Throat finds Love in the Maldives in a Cult Founded by the Dalai Lama’s Tongue and Ray Parker Jr.

Les, Kurt, and Jason are off to the races immediately when Kurt confuses the theme from Green Acres for a song from The Wiz. Then we find out who called Blac Chyna (aka Angela White aka, possibly, Dr. Angela White) a fake-ass bitch (spoiler: it was her mom Tokyo Toni!). Then, the guys go snorkeling (even though it should have been SCUBA diving) into Hallmark's "Love in the Maldives." Despite it's STUNNING locale and very attractive cast, Kurt found it boring on a level that was... transcendent. But can a movie that may or not feature a gorgeous (potential) cult leader and feature a scene that feels very porn-adjacent really be THAT boring? Maybe! but at least it helped Les find his next favorite pair of yoga pants and helped teach the other Hallmark characters how NOT to c**k block by c**k ENABLING. 

 

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Stalked by My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge is to Eat a Bowlful of oatmeal, a fistful of cabbage, and a Cadbury Egg with Eric Roberts

Les, Kurt, and Jason are beyond excited to dissect what may very well be the Lifetimeiest movie that ever Lifetimed, Lifetime’s masterpiece Stalked by My Doctor: Patien’s Revenge. But first Kurt has an Angela White report (aka a Blac Chyna Report) about the continuing coverage of her makeUNDER. Some are calling it the Blac Chynaissance, and for that we are grateful! Then it’s time to grab a tropical cocktail with Jimmy Buffett Eric Roberts, and settle in for a truly insane entry into the Stalked by My Doctor franchise. It’s got wigs! It’s got black hoodies (3 of ‘em)! It’s got chloroform! It’s got a house that may or may not have a dumb waiter and a fireman’s pole! It’s literally got a full La La Land-esque song and dance number. Kurt may not like the sad trombone, but you’re going to like this movie and this episode of the podcast!

 

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Unthinkably Good Things Can Happen When Rock Hudson Hooks up with Gomer Pyle at a Blockbuster Video

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a long break filled with lots of travel! Les went to New Orleans and Fresno! Kurt went to Fresno, too! And Jason went to Sydney, Australia! But now all 3 are back in their respective homes, though Jason and Les are very much over the unbelievable amounts of rain (and snow!) that LA has been getting. Kurt found out that he is apparently someone’s “hall pass” (but who’s the top?) Plus, there’s a ton of Blac Chyna news all centered on her new makeUNDER. Then the guys are finally ready to head to Tuscany, the setting for Hallmark’s 2022 film Unthinkably Good things. The first film under their Mahogany label (with a largely black cast), the movie is gorgeous, features 3 leads that all have genuine chemistry with one another, deals with real problems, and back to back montages (!) the movie seems so stuffed that it could benefit from spending more time in this world. But that doesn’t mean we need to ever know if one of the characters REALLY think his sheep are his girlfriends. 

 

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The Wedding Veil Journey Into How Questioning Whether Someone Is Actually British Can Backfire Spectacularly

Les, Kurt, and Jason are on a journey into seemingly ALL of the topics including Jason’s (unsurprisingly) unfiltered thoughts on The Fablemans. Then the guys venture down an Andrea Riseborough rabbit hole where they find that Richard Roeper gives no f**ks. Kurt finally got Covid and gets the utter the words “baby bump” as he delivers the news that Blac Chyna may be pregnant with baby #3 (the guys are gonna send a baby basket). Then the guys finally reach their destination: talking about Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Journey starring Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser, set and filmed in gorgeous Greece. The movie just might be named after the band that does the song “Don’t Stop Believin,” and will soon lead to the latest movies in the series The Wedding Veil Combat, The Wedding Veil Throuple, and The Wedding Veil Anal Beads. But don’t you dare bump shame, (though it is ok to have opinions about your spouse’s cooking! PLUS, there’s even an incredible discovery made during this podcast about just how truly British one of the cast members is!

 

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The Wedding Veil Inspiration for Regional Food Shaming is a Human Centipede of Friendship

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking down the aisle (shotgun wedding style) with Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Inspiration. But first, Les has to model the Hallmark sweatshirt he was gifted, and Kurt has some incredible insight into the dark underbelly of Zoom gaming with Imogene Coca. Then the guys give some quick takes on the Academy Award nominees before stepping into the foot fetish frenzy of some evergreen Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time for this week’s movie which features more eating than you’ll see in The Whale. Even with so much food, there’s plenty of regional food shaming that gets so bad that one featured restaurant is forced to write inside their own packaging that the food is trash. If that’s not enough shaming for you, there’s some legit HR violation-level shade towards Autumn Reeser’s outfits, even from Lacey Chabert and Allison Sweeney’s characters. So get over your veil cooties cuz this saga ain’t done yet!

 

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How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd, Steve Guttenberg, and Rosy Pussytoes

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie). Jason Dubray thinks the guys are providing a great service by watching Lifetime and Hallmark movies, and they guys thank him for the kind words by forcing him to watch Lifetime’s latest movie to be ripped from the headlines, How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd and Steve Guttenberg. It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Steve, and now he looks… just like the real life murder victim he’s portraying rather than the guy that starred alongside the Village People in “Can’t Stop the Music.” Steve’s bringing the energy to this movie by constantly talking to chickens while Cybill is… just resting her eyes until the two can engage in some proofreading a manuscript as foreplay. Put on your blue (not orange) jumpsuit, cuz we’re about to play a game of pin the slab of meat on Steve Guttenberg! 

 

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The Wedding Veil Expectations is not in the Same League as I Love Lucy Because it’s Filled With Clapper Jokes rather than Jokes about Microsoft Clippy

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking (very reluctantly) down the aisle with yet another Wedding Veil movie from Hallmark, Wedding Veil Expectations. Meeting expectations, this episode has Blac Chyna news about another Blac Chyna lawsuit. But the real focus is on Hallmark's latest trilogy that initially had Les excited until he realized that it was more exciting to hike with Markie Post. As you ponder whether Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton listen to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast, Les will be over in the corner perfecting how to pretend to be dead while watching this movie. If you can get past Jason's rage over lame jokes about the clapper, at least listen to this episode to hear the (actual) true story of how Kurt was almost cast in the Mekhi Phifer role opposite Eminem in 8 Mile!

 

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Are My Friends Killers Or Are They the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22?

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for a whole new year! 2023 has already brought Kurt a Tarot Card reading and the promise of getting laid… in June. Jason had a whirlwind New Year’s weekend, and Les got to wear some fabulous fringe! Then, it’s time to get back to business, just like Blac Chyna and another potentially violent (and potentially not true) incident. More critically, Les has a truly urgent June Squibb Report (huzzah!). Then the guys (rather reluctantly) attend the end of year showcase for the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22, aka Lifetime’s movie Are My Friends Killers. Sure the acting (and directing, and editing, and writing) are, arguably, super not good. But does that really matter when the entire premise of the movie makes zero sense and the highlight of the movie are a couple of Eyes Half Shut Bodies Fully Clothed Parties, because nothing will fulfill one’s wildest desires like seeing someone in some well-pressed Dockers. You’ve got two choices: either do some snooping so bad it insults Les, or take your 40-year-old self and pose as a college student trying to play Hackysack on the quad yourself. 

 

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The Ghosts of Christmas Always Will Visit You to Keep You from Watching the Punky Brewster Reboot

Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in holiday movie mode, especially with Les living out his very own Hallmark movie as he travels through Europe to do the podcast from the lobby of a Marriot in Bristol. ’Tis the season to be sexy, if you’re Blac Chyna in a white thong with a giant red bow flanked by two giant nutcrackers and a highly addictive wheel of cheese. Then there no time like the (Christmas) present to get a visit from Hallmark’s The Ghosts of Christmas Present. The movie decidedly does not follow the same story structure of most other Hallmark movies, and it’s for the better since it allows co-stars like Reginald VelJohnson and Lori Tan Chinn a real chance to shine. The movie also shines a spotlight on a 10-year old Hallmark movie that also took great inspiration from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, 2012’s It’s Christmas, Carol starring Carrie Fisher and Carson Kressley. And Jason definitely thinks Les should watch that (and countless other things) before watching the Punky Brewster reboot. Perhaps the most surprising thing to come out of this movie (besides the unnecessarily violently drawn out super repetitive and slow death of one of the characters) is who Kurt believes to be a better actor than Marlon Brando. 

 

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The Holiday Sitter Helps Hallmark Make Strides with Inclusive Content Even as It Shames Hawaiian Holiday Vacations

Les, Kurt, and Jason are just about ready for the holidays! Les is going to Paris and London! Jason just got back from New York where he did not see the many holes Les talks about! Kurt questions a log’s rights! And Les finally saw Home Alone!  Then the guys are ready to examine Hallmark’s first movie featuring a same sex couple as the leads, The Holiday Sitter. It stars Hallmark staple Jonathan Bennett, and it also realistically addresses what getting married means if you grew up gay. It deals less realistically with surrogacy (and the planning surrounding it), features a lasagna for Les, and a side character that may (not) be spent from constant self-pleasuring himself. All that, and we welcome the latest alumni from the Park Ranger School of Acting!

 

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