A Lifetime of Hallmark

The Holograms of Pia Zadora, Jermaine Jackson, Journey, and Slade Walk Ride a Vespa into a Podcast…

Les, Kurt, and Jason were so energized by Don Johnson’s Heartbeat in the previous episode (the promotional movie moreso than his actual pulse), so they’re tackling some more music videos this week. But first, THE Pepper MaShay came to see Les’s show, as did Lesley Ann Warren and Lifetime of Hallmark SUPERFAN Samantha (thanks for listening). Then Kurt shares what may be newly specific news about Blac Chyna as it relates to sobriety. Fun fact: Les is kinda dickmatized by Dick van Dyke (a conversation started after a June Squibb spotting). Then it’s time to get into 3 different defining (?) music videos of the 80’s, starting with Journey’s “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart).” The Sherrie of Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” almost killed this video, but she doesn’t have to because it dies on its own (though without a soundtrack since the instruments keep disappearing). Then, the guys took a look at Slade’s “Run Runaway” video, complete with a kilt-wearing dude swinging a giant phallic telephone pole all around a well lit castle while lead singer Noddy Holder is doing… something… with his mouth (Jason has a theory). Finally, Les subjects Jason and Kurt to the Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson classic (at least in Europe) “When the Rain Begins to Fall” from Pia’s movie Voyage of the Rock Aliens. At least there’s a vespa chase and some proximity to peak Michael Jackson. 

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Was Beyonce Inspired to Make Lemonade Because Don Johnson Made Heartbeat?

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered to experience one helluva an experiment in the 1980’s music industry: making Miami Vice’s Don Johnson into a rock star! But first, Jason saw Les’ show The Real Black Swann: Confessions of America’s First Black Drag Queen and is ecstatic to report that it is FANTASTIC! Get tix here: https://ci.ovationtix.com/36684/production/1173212

Then, the guys try to figure out why is everyone defending Martin Short (Jason has a conspiracy theory about it related to the SAG AFTRA and WGA strikes). Then, we find that Kurt went to a gay bay with Les not dragging him there (at least not directly). Then, Kurt tells us that TokioToni is upset the Beehive! Then it’s finally time to talk about the EPIC(?) multi-video multi-story Don Johnson mini-movie that is Heartbeat. Was a music exec so d**kmatized by Don Johnson’s very MTV-ready presence that he didn’t he didn’t think it would matter that Don can’t sing? Probably! But thanks to that probably very coked-up executive (maybe, allegedly), we get to see the sex worker version of West Side Story starring Don Johnson, Gus Fring from Breaking Bad, and Paul Shaffer! 

 

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Laverne and Shirley in the Army Marches Toward So Many Pig Puns

Les, Kurt, and Jason have reconvened to ask the important questions like, “Does Les get craft service during his tech rehearsals?” And “Did Wilford Brimley pull some serious tail back in the day?” Plus, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna wants Tyga to stick to their custody schedule! Then, the guys tackle their first animated show for the podcast, 1981’s “Laverne and Shirley” (aka known as Laverne and Shirley in the Army to not confuse it with the live action counterpart). While this Laverne and Shirley doesn’t have Lenny or Squiggy or Carmine Ragusa, it does have a pig voiced by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter and giant space birds. Jason thinks the show may have been borne out of the last actor’s strike while Les thinks this is the horniest cartoon he’s ever seen. Take a look at the rocket that all of the characters are quite confident they can fly and judge for yourself!

 

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Will Smith Did Not Have the Heart and Soul to Star in a Sitcom with Morris Day, James Avery, and Tisha Campbell

Les, Kurt, and Jason have decided to stop promoting Hallmark and Lifetime movies when there’s a strike, and instead focus on pop culture’s unusual past, and this week it comes in the form of a 1988  pilot starring Morris Day! But first, Jason strongly objects to Les’ “funny idea” that someone be murdered at/near one of his parties. Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets us all know that tattoo removal hurts, and we learn the Celebrity net Worth of Robin Givens and Pauly Shore! Then, it’s talk to talk about Heart and Soul starring Morris Day, Tisha Campbell, and James Avery, but NOT Will Smith. But at least there’s Barry Sobel and his very popular act (yet wildly offensive). What COULD have been a great fish out of water story instead turns out to be the leading to a movie about Ted Bundy not starring Redd Foxx. 

 

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Ann Jillian, Fiona Apple’s Dad, and Jennifer Slept Here Instead of a Lifetime or Hallmark Movie This Week

Les, Kurt, and Jason have referenced the 1983 NBC sitcom Jennifer Slept Here many times on this podcast, so they’ve decided to finally dissect the pilot episode along with a look into the state of of TV in the early 1980’s. But first, Jason is trying really hard to get Les and Kurt to take the hint that it’s time to move onto the Black Chyna Report! Then, it’s time to start the Ann Jillian deep dive, talking It’s a Living, the SAG-AFTRA strike then and now, and Walt Disney’s input into Ann’s career. Then it’s time for Jennifer Slept Here. Ann Jillian may have top billing on this short-lived series, but the real heavy lifting of the show is done by (*checks notes*) the kid that played Randy Quaid’s son in National Lampoon’s Vacation, John Navin. John may be the person that uttered the very first line of dialogue on Cheers, but here’s he’s doomed from wearing a fedora multiple times. Maybe Jennifer should have slept somewhere else (like with the Family Ties Keaton family, or within Wilfred Scott’s weather report), but here she’s just the Nurse Jackie of her day. 

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Grab Your Merkin to Take Me Back for Christmas to Explore the Maplewood Real Estate Market

Les, Kurt, and Jason will not be deterred by the SAG-AFTRA Strike (and WGA Strike), mostly because this podcast isn’t in violation of union rules. Les has been spotting all kinds of famous faces on the picket lines (including presidential candidate Marianne Williamson), but the most famous face on the picket lines may now be Les Kurkendaal-Barrett himself thanks to a ton of worldwide coverage an image of him has experienced. Khloe Kardashian considers herself a third parent to Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream Kardashian, but it’s all from a place of love… much like Kurt’s love for Vanessa Lengies, the star of this week’s Hallmark Movie Take Me Back for Christmas. This is Hallmark’s version of a multiverse movie, so of course the guys discussed cinnamon poppers. 

 

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My Professor’s Guide to Murder: Haylie Duff and Lifetime Want You to Get the Buckets

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with the discussion you didn’t know you needed about the Tom Cruise cake and the Olivia Wilde Salad Dressing in a tale so layered, it makes this week’s movie seem quaint in comparison. But first, in Blac Chyna News, Kurt delivers the news that Tokyo Toni is saying some incredibly (hilariously) filthy things involving buckets in front of her granddaughter when she can’t figure out how to get Alexa to stop talking. Then, the guys jump down into the silo known as Lifetime’s movie, My Professor’s Guide to Murder. Stephen Hawking isn’t in this movie, but if he were, he too would need buckets (and a lot of them!). Kurt almost needed a new pair of Converse sneakers, Jason needs a fabulous traveling professor house, and Les needs to find someone else to drag to Musical Mondays. 

 

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In Big Sky River, Everybody Wants to Keep the Cocks but not the Racoons

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a very very long break and so so so many Gay Prides! Yes, prides have parades, and Les sat through part of a really long one before being coerced into marching IN one, but Jason will only watch the parades if they’re done at the posted speed limit (flying drag queen wigs be damned)! Then, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news (that may or may not be from before our long break). Then, the guys take a dip in Hallmark’s Big Sky River which is, apparently, a movie they all watched. Despite the over-priced gas in this small town, it still has what it takes to attract residents like (not) Reba McIntyre, and a woman going through an (oft-mentioned) “terrible divorce.” This movie has an extended scene involving grabbing a chicken. It also has a friend hint that one of the characters should have a fling. Get your air horn, cuz this ain’t your mom’s Hallmark. 

 

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Her Affair to Die For is Actually His When the Child Is the Same Age as the Parent

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with a lively discussion about who it is that’s having the affair in a relationship, sparked by Lifetime Movie Network’s “Her Affair to Die For.” But first, the guys discuss, as best they can, some of the things at stake with the current (as of the recording of this podcast) writer’s strike and we find out that Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni have reunited! Then, it’s HIS affair to die for since the husband is the one that has the affair in this wildly fantastically dumb movie that could have (legitimately) been written by 10-year-olds. But if you can get past the fact that the parents are the same age as their daughter, you’ll be delighted by a villain that’s giving serious Elizabeth Berkley caffeine pill vibes! You’ll be so excited as you see an entire crime plan mapped out in front of a background actor doing some squats because all’s well that ends well! 

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Rooming with Danger, a Baby Monitor, and some WGA Picketers at the Oakwood Apartments

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded the latest episode on Coronation Day, which may have been celebrated by some still drunk on tequila from the previous night’s Cinco de Mayo festivities. Then (after some Blac Chyna news, natch), the guys are ready to shack up with Lifetime Movie Network’s “Rooming with Danger.” Sure this fabulous house may not have any wine at all in its gigantic glass wine closet (nor does it have an Oxford comma), but it does teach one how to throw a brick on a budget and how to play Marco Polo when outside of the water (just do it on the volleyball court!). Watch this movie in HIGH definition to truly appreciate the students of East Coast University: The Park Ranger School of Dramatic Arts! 

 

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