A Lifetime of Hallmark

The Moonlighting Pilot Triggers a ConversationAbout Nazis and Gay Nightclubs That Should Not Miss

Les, Kurt, and Jason support the SAG-AFTRA strike, but they are comin’ in hot regarding the guidance about not dressing as a character from movies and TV shows. But Jason has found a loophole: he’s dressing as Ken THE DOLL who is also a fan of Oppenheimer THE HISTORICAL FIGURE. Then, Blac Chyna is accused of Witchcraft! And the guys circle back to their episode about The Tortellis and get an update on Kurt’s quest to get the (formerly) little boy on the podcast. (Update, we’re SOL… emphasis on the S). Then it’s time to dive into the 80’s masterpiece that is nonetheless problematic AF, Moonlighting. The show revived Cybil Shepard’s career, jumpstarted Bruce Willis’, and cast someone that Les spotted on his very first night living in LA!  If you’re looking for a show that starts with a similar premise to Schitt’s Creek, features an EVIL Bob Newhart lookalike, and that has a cameo from someone whose MAGA credentials the guys questioned openly, then you’ve found the right show in Moonlighting!

 

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Suzanne Somers in Three’s Company - Chrissy and the Guru

Les, Kurt, and Jason ditched their plans to watch Moonlighting this week to pay their respects to the late, great Suzanne Somers. But first, we get the latest on a current America’s Sweet Blac Chyna and her custody battle with Tyga. Then the guys talk about their love of Apple TV+ show The Morning Show, and find out about how Billy Crudup was the object of affection for a woman Kurt was on a date with… while they were on the date. Take note, if you’re looking to date someone, write them a handwritten letter! Then, the guys take a look at a very Chrissy-centric episode of Three’s Company, Chrissy and the Guru. Ripping straight from the headlines of the rampant cults of the late 70’s, Three’s Company serves up a guru named Rama Mageesh. His charms aren’t enough to get Jack (John Ritter), Janet (Joyce DeWitt), or the Ropers (Norman Fell and Audra Lindley) to part with her money (though Helen would be happy to part with her mumu for some fun with Stanley, the guru IS able to lure Chrissy. Or maybe she was lured by his cute cult outfit (which would make a great Halloween costume). Grab your Thigmaster and see if you can get past the fact that Les, Kurt, and Jason are currently around the same age as the Ropers!

 

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Notorious Cheers Spinoff (That Isn’t Frasier) The Tortellis Features a Cameo from Barbie co-star Rhea Perlman

Les, Kurt, and Jason were gonna watch Moonlighting this week, but time constraints mean that will have to wait until the next episode (along with Les’ lady detective fantasies). Instead, this week the guys dive into the Cheers spinoff that isn’t Frasier (nor is it the Frasier re-boot on Paramount+), 1987’s The Tortellis. But first, we find out about Kurt taking his mom to her midday mid-week high school reunion, mediocre chicken marsala and age shaming included! Plus, if you’re going to be a doll, at least be one that people are afraid of! And, Blac Chyna is now doing appearances at Chiropractic offices in Orange County with her crispy bones!  Then it’s time to dive into The Tortellis, a Cheers spinoff that was launched in the very same season Cheers had to introduce Kirstie Alley after the departure of Shelly Long. The Tortellis was either a painfully unfunny spinoff, or one so painfully unfunny that the producers used it to keep the network off their back when it came to the mothership show.  Not even a child that s**ts when he acts can save this from a guy who looks a little Megans List-y. But at least THIS didn’t cause Jason to do ‘shrooms and pity follow Charo on YouTube. 

 

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Dr. Seuss’ Halloween is Grinch Night is nothing but Class and Cocaine and Smelly Wind

Les, Kurt, and Jason apologize if feel compelled to watch this week's pick, the 1977 Dr. Seuss special “Halloween is Grinch Night.” But first, Les’ husband wants to know if he’s allowed to eat the Beyond Chicken McNuggets (he can!), and Kurt is familiarizing himself with current popular music (like Dojo Cat and SZA). Plus, in Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna is selling a bunch of her clothes on consignment. Then, it’s time to dig into this prequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. But while the Christmas special had a cohesive and heartwarming story at the center of it, this Halloween special has bland colors and exactly ZERO mentions of Halloween. Did the makers of this special do a substantial amount of hallucinogenic drugs AND cocaine? Was Max the Dog suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or is he a spy? Is this entire special an ill-formed metaphor for racism/the Cold War/ child abuse? Possibly (allegedly)! 

 

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What a Country America is When Famous Russian Yakov Smirnoff Becomes Ronald Reagan’s Speechwriter and Martina Navratilova is on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Les, Kurt, and Jason are happy that the WGA Strike has ended, but are still venturing beyond Lifetime and Hallmark movies since SAG-AFTRA is still on strike! The guys discuss the big topics on their mind like couples that share a Facebook account and whether or not Jeffrey Dahmer is cancelled. Not cancelled: famous morning radio DJ Roman Polanski). Also not cancelled: Blac Chyna… she may have found love again! Then it’s time to take a look at the pilot to the 1986 first-run syndicated sitcom What a Country. While this may seem like it was a Yakov Smirnoff vehicle, it’s actually an adaptation of a British sitcom. One can only wonder if the British version featured countless painful racial stereotypes (many courtesy to a super racist school principal not played by Don Knotts). But the bigger thing you’ll be wondering is “Just how glamorous is it to coach a high school soccer team?”

Side note to those that will be in the Philadelphia area: Kurt has more performances of his show Behind Every Great Mariska Hargitay is a Great Kurt Fitzpatrick. Get your tickets here: https://phillyfringe.org/events/behind-every-great-mariska-hargitay-is-a-great-kurt-fitzpatrick/

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The Holograms of Pia Zadora, Jermaine Jackson, Journey, and Slade Walk Ride a Vespa into a Podcast…

Les, Kurt, and Jason were so energized by Don Johnson’s Heartbeat in the previous episode (the promotional movie moreso than his actual pulse), so they’re tackling some more music videos this week. But first, THE Pepper MaShay came to see Les’s show, as did Lesley Ann Warren and Lifetime of Hallmark SUPERFAN Samantha (thanks for listening). Then Kurt shares what may be newly specific news about Blac Chyna as it relates to sobriety. Fun fact: Les is kinda dickmatized by Dick van Dyke (a conversation started after a June Squibb spotting). Then it’s time to get into 3 different defining (?) music videos of the 80’s, starting with Journey’s “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart).” The Sherrie of Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” almost killed this video, but she doesn’t have to because it dies on its own (though without a soundtrack since the instruments keep disappearing). Then, the guys took a look at Slade’s “Run Runaway” video, complete with a kilt-wearing dude swinging a giant phallic telephone pole all around a well lit castle while lead singer Noddy Holder is doing… something… with his mouth (Jason has a theory). Finally, Les subjects Jason and Kurt to the Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson classic (at least in Europe) “When the Rain Begins to Fall” from Pia’s movie Voyage of the Rock Aliens. At least there’s a vespa chase and some proximity to peak Michael Jackson. 

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Was Beyonce Inspired to Make Lemonade Because Don Johnson Made Heartbeat?

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered to experience one helluva an experiment in the 1980’s music industry: making Miami Vice’s Don Johnson into a rock star! But first, Jason saw Les’ show The Real Black Swann: Confessions of America’s First Black Drag Queen and is ecstatic to report that it is FANTASTIC! Get tix here: https://ci.ovationtix.com/36684/production/1173212

Then, the guys try to figure out why is everyone defending Martin Short (Jason has a conspiracy theory about it related to the SAG AFTRA and WGA strikes). Then, we find that Kurt went to a gay bay with Les not dragging him there (at least not directly). Then, Kurt tells us that TokioToni is upset the Beehive! Then it’s finally time to talk about the EPIC(?) multi-video multi-story Don Johnson mini-movie that is Heartbeat. Was a music exec so d**kmatized by Don Johnson’s very MTV-ready presence that he didn’t he didn’t think it would matter that Don can’t sing? Probably! But thanks to that probably very coked-up executive (maybe, allegedly), we get to see the sex worker version of West Side Story starring Don Johnson, Gus Fring from Breaking Bad, and Paul Shaffer! 

 

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Laverne and Shirley in the Army Marches Toward So Many Pig Puns

Les, Kurt, and Jason have reconvened to ask the important questions like, “Does Les get craft service during his tech rehearsals?” And “Did Wilford Brimley pull some serious tail back in the day?” Plus, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna wants Tyga to stick to their custody schedule! Then, the guys tackle their first animated show for the podcast, 1981’s “Laverne and Shirley” (aka known as Laverne and Shirley in the Army to not confuse it with the live action counterpart). While this Laverne and Shirley doesn’t have Lenny or Squiggy or Carmine Ragusa, it does have a pig voiced by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter and giant space birds. Jason thinks the show may have been borne out of the last actor’s strike while Les thinks this is the horniest cartoon he’s ever seen. Take a look at the rocket that all of the characters are quite confident they can fly and judge for yourself!

 

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Will Smith Did Not Have the Heart and Soul to Star in a Sitcom with Morris Day, James Avery, and Tisha Campbell

Les, Kurt, and Jason have decided to stop promoting Hallmark and Lifetime movies when there’s a strike, and instead focus on pop culture’s unusual past, and this week it comes in the form of a 1988  pilot starring Morris Day! But first, Jason strongly objects to Les’ “funny idea” that someone be murdered at/near one of his parties. Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets us all know that tattoo removal hurts, and we learn the Celebrity net Worth of Robin Givens and Pauly Shore! Then, it’s talk to talk about Heart and Soul starring Morris Day, Tisha Campbell, and James Avery, but NOT Will Smith. But at least there’s Barry Sobel and his very popular act (yet wildly offensive). What COULD have been a great fish out of water story instead turns out to be the leading to a movie about Ted Bundy not starring Redd Foxx. 

 

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Ann Jillian, Fiona Apple’s Dad, and Jennifer Slept Here Instead of a Lifetime or Hallmark Movie This Week

Les, Kurt, and Jason have referenced the 1983 NBC sitcom Jennifer Slept Here many times on this podcast, so they’ve decided to finally dissect the pilot episode along with a look into the state of of TV in the early 1980’s. But first, Jason is trying really hard to get Les and Kurt to take the hint that it’s time to move onto the Black Chyna Report! Then, it’s time to start the Ann Jillian deep dive, talking It’s a Living, the SAG-AFTRA strike then and now, and Walt Disney’s input into Ann’s career. Then it’s time for Jennifer Slept Here. Ann Jillian may have top billing on this short-lived series, but the real heavy lifting of the show is done by (*checks notes*) the kid that played Randy Quaid’s son in National Lampoon’s Vacation, John Navin. John may be the person that uttered the very first line of dialogue on Cheers, but here’s he’s doomed from wearing a fedora multiple times. Maybe Jennifer should have slept somewhere else (like with the Family Ties Keaton family, or within Wilfred Scott’s weather report), but here she’s just the Nurse Jackie of her day. 

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