A Lifetime of Hallmark

The Legend of the Lost Locket Is As Big a Mystery as Learning Exactly What The Schmoo Is

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for your favorite day of the week aka your favorite occasionally day a few times a month for another episode of A Lifetime of Hallmark! The guys catch up on all of the big news of the world including a new soap coming to CBS, the very tightly patrolled catering backstage at American Idol, and some top notch movie recommendations from listeners. Plus, Kurt gives a very serious and gauzy Blac Chyna report thanks to a big profile about her in the LA Times. Then, it’s time to look into the Legend of the Lost Locket, a Hallmark movie that could have been a bad Indiana Jones knockoff or an even worse costume drama with poor British accents. The movie, thankfully, is pretty charming thanks to its winning leads and a script that fills in the central mystery by taking some cues from Lifetime movies (hello black hoodies and actual crimes!) But some mysteries still remain such as: “Is Boston really known for cannolis?,” “What, exactly, is The Schmoo? ,” and “How much do will some antique kneepads be appraised at?” 

 

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Million Dollar Lethal Listing Hits the Market Thanks to Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, and a Homeowner That’s All To Eager to Let Squatters Stay in HIs Home

Les, Kurt, and Jason jump right into the natural phenomena of the week like the earthquake in New York, the eclipse, and balls falling from the sky. Then Kurt tries a new spin on Blac Chyna news by starting it with a quote by Maya Angelou, and we learn that Blac Chyna accidentally freed a nipple in West Hollywood and “ended up” on BACKGRID. We find out about a place would never eat cake: at a night at Motherlode called “Manhole.” Then we put a bid in on Lifetime’s Million Dollar Lethal Listing, a movie that’s incredibly consequential in that it features a detective who is helpful (our friend Meredith Thomas)! With this detective on the case, maybe we’ll eventually find out while the real owner of the home in this movie was super chill about letting random people (that were duped into buying his house that wasn’t for sale) stay in his home while everything is sorted out. This may be the gaslightiest that movie Lifetime has ever made, but it also inspired the premise of the new sitcom “That Takes The Cake.”

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Killer Cheer Mom Denise Richards Snoops the Old Fashioned Way And Takes On Max from Hart to Hart

Les, Kurt, and Jason are not shading Princess Kate for having $15 cake at an airport, obviously. But they are doing a deep dive into Blac Chyna’s latest loan against her home, and think she could make some real coin by doing ads for Metamucil. Then it’s time to root for Lifetime’s Killer Cheer Mom starring Denise Richards and Thomas Calabro from Melrose Place. Kurt gets a crash course in Michael’s trajectory on Melrose Place and learns (for the first time) about Kimberly and her infamous wig/scar reveal). But that’s not the only trip down memory lane: the kitchen in this movie may be the same one from the fireball scene in Killer Contractor, and the teenagers in this movie may be super into Billy Joel’s back catalog. This kitchen is epic in the way that it can still crank out giant carby meal after giant carbs meal, but that strawberry never stood a chance of making it into those epic smoothies. But there’s home for Kurt’s eventual epic tramp stamp tattoo of giant wings… carrying a cake. This needs to happen now. 

 

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Lindsay Lohan Has an Irish Wish to Get in a Netflix Loop Group with the Illuminati to Get in the Bible or Win a Golden Globe

Les, Kurt, Jason, and Saint Brigid are ready to wreak havoc by talking about Netflix’s new Lindsay Lohan Romantic Comedy Irish Wish! But first they need to talk about the Kate Middleton royal family photo scandal and the fact that Murray Langston the bag-wearing Unknown Comic and Kate are not, in fact, the same person. Then, Kurt shares some super confusing Blac Chyna news involving her mom Tokyo Toni thinking Ice Spice is part of the Illuminati. Then it’s time to head to Ireland, a place that is a good place to be horny and for the Virgin Mary to rebrand herself. But if you get hungry, you’re going to either need to pay $15 for cake at the airport, or you’ll need to go to the candy store to some Pasty Gingers. But, just make sure that you eat it in a car (or boat) that is in motion and not sitting still!

 

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Guiding Les through Guiding Emily, a Cautionary Tale about Fiber and Ambien

Kurt and Jason are tasked with guiding Les through this week’s Hallmark movie, Guiding Emily!  But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about the mystery surrounding net worth, and Jason is absolutely convinced that the story was written by A.I.). Plus, June Squibb is doing an action comedy, and Les shows his doodle! Then, it’s time to dive into Guiding Emily, a movie Les didn’t watch so Kurt and Jason will have to break it down for him!  First things first, this movie is narrated by a dog that is voiced by Eric McCormack (the biggest name in the cast) that will go on to become a seeing-eye dog for the title character. Because of the abundance of characters and the non-connected stories that seemed shoehorned together, Jason suspects this movie was two movies that were married into one. Meanwhile, Kurt is not in favor of couples massages, and Les is in favor of Baked Potato Day! If you liked this movie, say it with your eyes rather than with words because we won’t be paying you union scale. 

 

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It’s Worse to Have a Nut Allergy on Bathhouse Row Than It is to be Betrayed by My Bridesmaid

Les, Kurt, and Jason have so much news to get to: June Squibb is part of a major reboot! Nicole Kidman has THREE new AMC promos coming this week! And Wendy Williams takes off her wig for Blac Chyna! That leads the guys to discuss the very real life that Wendy is leading these days and how it’s seemingly being exploited by everyone. Then the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime Movie Network’s Betrayed by My Bridesmaid! This movie may not feature one single murder (perhaps a first for a non holiday movie), but it does feature PLENTY of a**holes. In fact, every single character in this movie is an a**hole who may or may not have conceived a baby to the song “Shots” by LMFAO, and who may or may not have committed an even graver offense: not knowing how to make a grilled chhese sandwich. 

 

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An American in Austen Tries to Invoke Jane Austen as Directed by Brian DePalma Starring Sarah Ferguson

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie), and they have some STRONG opinions about Robert Downey, Jr., America Ferrera, and Bradley Cooper. Then, Blac Chyna celebrates 16 months sober (but not with a Fitbit-style tracker). Then Jason reveals himself to be QUITE biased against certain eras on film, especially ones where people are wearing corsets. It’s an extraordinarily disappointing development, then, when they all learn that this week’s Hallmark movie An American in Austen has LOTS of corsets as it tries to very blatantly rip off pay homage to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice with  piece of fan fiction that would have been better served as a straight-up body switch premise. There may be an unnecessary cameo from a very-clearly-cuecard-reading Sarah Ferguson as well as a forced Taylor Swift quote, but at least watching this movie propelled an earnest apology to Kirk Cameron and spurred discussions about whether Ruth Bader is sexy and about the financial planning acumen of the family on Mr. Belvidere. 

 

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Woman with the Red Lipstick Brings the Black Hoodie back to Lifetime for Some Pogo Sticking!

Les, Kurt, and Jason take a second crack at recording the latest podcast after they were derailed by technical issues. That gives the chance to discuss the outcome of the Super Bowl, and their thoughts on whether Weird Al Yankovic should be the halftime performer. Plus, Les reveals the shocking news that he has not seen a full episode of Saturday Night Live since Eddie Murphy left the show back in the 80’s! And Kurt informs us that Blac Chyna is STILL one of the top earners on OnlyFans. Then, it’s time to talk about Lifetime’s Woman with the Red Lipstick, a movie that would have been great even if they hadn’t brought back the black hoodie! This movie could have had a very different outcome if the extra that looked like O.J. Simpson (not in hospice!) had played a bigger part. But even without him, the movie contains important wig sex etiquette, a family-size canister of mace, and the newest Adjunct Professor at the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts! #PogoSticking 

 

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Winter Castle Features the Most Heinous Villain We’ve Ever Seen in a Movie, and Not Because She would’ve Saltburn-ed Someone

Les, Jason, and Kurt go off the rails right out of the gate when Les and Kurt are blindsided by the new show open that Jason made. (Working on that “Kurt Fitzpatrick, Gay Icon” merch, stat!). Plus, the guys imagine a world where Blac Chyna dates Fiddler on the Roof Star Topol (obviously). Then, they dig into Hallmark’s 2019 movie Winter Castle, a movie that wants us to be happy for people so awful that they’ve scheduled a an expensive and unnecessarily last-minute destination wedding in a very cold and very remote area.  In fact, everyone in this movie is terrible from the guy who’s stringing his not-girlfriend along, to the family trying to end this guy’s non-relationship, to the lead pursuing this guy, to his not-really-a-girlfriend literally sneezing in someone’s face. Really, the only redeeming person in the movie is a side character that may have bought a very specifically intimate gift at Tiffany which is definitely nicer than the snow before the maple syrup hit it. 

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** special note: Podbean, the service where our podcast is hosted, has a beta feature that will let A.I. write our episode description. While ultimately finding their description... unhelpful... it's still a fascinating read:

Engaging Banter and Unpredictable Twists in a Destination Wedding Drama - A Lifetime of Hallmark

Welcome to an exciting episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark" where your hosts, Les Kirkendall Barrett, Jason Bowers, and Kurt Fitzpatrick dive into a hearty critique of an unexpected destination wedding drama and the fascinating world of Hallmark movies. Enjoy the cocktail of light-hearted banter, insightful observations, and comical perspectives as the hosts dissect various elements of Hallmark and Lifetime movies.

In this episode, unravel the divisive concept of a destination wedding from the entertaining banter of our hosts. Discover personal anecdotes, role-playing in fictional scenarios, and jump into the questionable appeal of a wedding set in freezing temperatures. It's a rollercoaster episode packed with exhilarating debates, colorful film reviews, and careful exploration of the balance between dream weddings and financial burdens.

From the world of movies to real-world celebrity drama, the hosts leave no stone unturned. Savor the lively discussion about destination weddings, the continuous flow of laughter, and the web of intricate stories about love, relationships, and unexpected connections. A delightful mix of film commentary, celebrity gossip, humor, surprises, and unexpected revelations await in this episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark".

The Wrong Life Coach Can’t Even Help You Avoid a Bat… Or fromTaking Boudoir Photos at Olan Mills with Meredith Thomas

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by their always super-special guest, the super fantastic Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) from LMN’s The Wrong Life Coach starring Lifetime royalty including Vivica A. Fox, Tracey Nelson, and Eric Roberts (but not Jackée Harry, because A.I. got it wrong). Plus, Kurt has some provocative Blac Chyna news: Tokyo Toni may be trying to get with Blac Chyna’s exes! Then, it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s first Wrong movie in a long time about a profession that can lead people astray, especially when the profession doesn’t require any credentials. Meredith didn’t just play one of the life coaches in the movie, she was also the movie’s Second A.D. and cast some of the roles! There may not be any black hoodies here, but everyone is coming in hot! Plus, there’s a passive aggressive marriage proposal and a Lifetime movie detective that actually does their job, and Power Ranger not a Power Bottom! 

 

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