A Lifetime of Hallmark

It’s Worse to Have a Nut Allergy on Bathhouse Row Than It is to be Betrayed by My Bridesmaid

Les, Kurt, and Jason have so much news to get to: June Squibb is part of a major reboot! Nicole Kidman has THREE new AMC promos coming this week! And Wendy Williams takes off her wig for Blac Chyna! That leads the guys to discuss the very real life that Wendy is leading these days and how it’s seemingly being exploited by everyone. Then the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime Movie Network’s Betrayed by My Bridesmaid! This movie may not feature one single murder (perhaps a first for a non holiday movie), but it does feature PLENTY of a**holes. In fact, every single character in this movie is an a**hole who may or may not have conceived a baby to the song “Shots” by LMFAO, and who may or may not have committed an even graver offense: not knowing how to make a grilled chhese sandwich. 

 

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An American in Austen Tries to Invoke Jane Austen as Directed by Brian DePalma Starring Sarah Ferguson

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie), and they have some STRONG opinions about Robert Downey, Jr., America Ferrera, and Bradley Cooper. Then, Blac Chyna celebrates 16 months sober (but not with a Fitbit-style tracker). Then Jason reveals himself to be QUITE biased against certain eras on film, especially ones where people are wearing corsets. It’s an extraordinarily disappointing development, then, when they all learn that this week’s Hallmark movie An American in Austen has LOTS of corsets as it tries to very blatantly rip off pay homage to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice with  piece of fan fiction that would have been better served as a straight-up body switch premise. There may be an unnecessary cameo from a very-clearly-cuecard-reading Sarah Ferguson as well as a forced Taylor Swift quote, but at least watching this movie propelled an earnest apology to Kirk Cameron and spurred discussions about whether Ruth Bader is sexy and about the financial planning acumen of the family on Mr. Belvidere. 

 

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Woman with the Red Lipstick Brings the Black Hoodie back to Lifetime for Some Pogo Sticking!

Les, Kurt, and Jason take a second crack at recording the latest podcast after they were derailed by technical issues. That gives the chance to discuss the outcome of the Super Bowl, and their thoughts on whether Weird Al Yankovic should be the halftime performer. Plus, Les reveals the shocking news that he has not seen a full episode of Saturday Night Live since Eddie Murphy left the show back in the 80’s! And Kurt informs us that Blac Chyna is STILL one of the top earners on OnlyFans. Then, it’s time to talk about Lifetime’s Woman with the Red Lipstick, a movie that would have been great even if they hadn’t brought back the black hoodie! This movie could have had a very different outcome if the extra that looked like O.J. Simpson (not in hospice!) had played a bigger part. But even without him, the movie contains important wig sex etiquette, a family-size canister of mace, and the newest Adjunct Professor at the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts! #PogoSticking 

 

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Winter Castle Features the Most Heinous Villain We’ve Ever Seen in a Movie, and Not Because She would’ve Saltburn-ed Someone

Les, Jason, and Kurt go off the rails right out of the gate when Les and Kurt are blindsided by the new show open that Jason made. (Working on that “Kurt Fitzpatrick, Gay Icon” merch, stat!). Plus, the guys imagine a world where Blac Chyna dates Fiddler on the Roof Star Topol (obviously). Then, they dig into Hallmark’s 2019 movie Winter Castle, a movie that wants us to be happy for people so awful that they’ve scheduled a an expensive and unnecessarily last-minute destination wedding in a very cold and very remote area.  In fact, everyone in this movie is terrible from the guy who’s stringing his not-girlfriend along, to the family trying to end this guy’s non-relationship, to the lead pursuing this guy, to his not-really-a-girlfriend literally sneezing in someone’s face. Really, the only redeeming person in the movie is a side character that may have bought a very specifically intimate gift at Tiffany which is definitely nicer than the snow before the maple syrup hit it. 

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** special note: Podbean, the service where our podcast is hosted, has a beta feature that will let A.I. write our episode description. While ultimately finding their description... unhelpful... it's still a fascinating read:

Engaging Banter and Unpredictable Twists in a Destination Wedding Drama - A Lifetime of Hallmark

Welcome to an exciting episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark" where your hosts, Les Kirkendall Barrett, Jason Bowers, and Kurt Fitzpatrick dive into a hearty critique of an unexpected destination wedding drama and the fascinating world of Hallmark movies. Enjoy the cocktail of light-hearted banter, insightful observations, and comical perspectives as the hosts dissect various elements of Hallmark and Lifetime movies.

In this episode, unravel the divisive concept of a destination wedding from the entertaining banter of our hosts. Discover personal anecdotes, role-playing in fictional scenarios, and jump into the questionable appeal of a wedding set in freezing temperatures. It's a rollercoaster episode packed with exhilarating debates, colorful film reviews, and careful exploration of the balance between dream weddings and financial burdens.

From the world of movies to real-world celebrity drama, the hosts leave no stone unturned. Savor the lively discussion about destination weddings, the continuous flow of laughter, and the web of intricate stories about love, relationships, and unexpected connections. A delightful mix of film commentary, celebrity gossip, humor, surprises, and unexpected revelations await in this episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark".

The Wrong Life Coach Can’t Even Help You Avoid a Bat… Or fromTaking Boudoir Photos at Olan Mills with Meredith Thomas

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by their always super-special guest, the super fantastic Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) from LMN’s The Wrong Life Coach starring Lifetime royalty including Vivica A. Fox, Tracey Nelson, and Eric Roberts (but not Jackée Harry, because A.I. got it wrong). Plus, Kurt has some provocative Blac Chyna news: Tokyo Toni may be trying to get with Blac Chyna’s exes! Then, it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s first Wrong movie in a long time about a profession that can lead people astray, especially when the profession doesn’t require any credentials. Meredith didn’t just play one of the life coaches in the movie, she was also the movie’s Second A.D. and cast some of the roles! There may not be any black hoodies here, but everyone is coming in hot! Plus, there’s a passive aggressive marriage proposal and a Lifetime movie detective that actually does their job, and Power Ranger not a Power Bottom! 

 

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Dying for Fame Because Stalkers Work in Teams That Post All of Their Moves on Reddit

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for an amazing 2024 ahead after missing what would have been their final recording of last year (since Les was in France with poor internet)! But now they’re back and have opinions about Jo Kay hosting the Golden Globes (just like everyone else). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her joining the Itty Bitty Bitty Committee (her words). Then, the guys are ready to dig into Dying for Fame, a Lifetime Movie Network thriller for which Les got invited into the inner circle bye going to a screening with the directors/producers/cast/crew (thanks to our friend and listener Samantha!). Important note from Les: even the “creepy” people from the movie were hot in person (noted!). Justice for creepers! Despite this movie not having any black hoodies, it did feature a diverse cast, a radio station that doesn’t really exist, and tips for hiring a stalker on LinkedIn. Plus Jason makes a joke that falls as flat as Jo Koy’s Golden Globes monologue!

 

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Melissa McCarthy Unleashed a Genie Out of the Box Because These Wish Rules Are Chaotic as the Klumps

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene from 3 different parts of the world this week as Les is in a hotel lobby in London, Kurt is on the East coast in the US, and Jason is on the West Coast, and they’re ready to conjure up some opinions on the movie Genie. But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that has the guys pining for the days of wilder and crazier Blac Chyna stories! Then, it’s time to rub the box instead of a bottle because all the genie rules you think you knew are thrown out the window… including the ones laid out in this movie. A really likable and funny cast (Melissa McCarthy! Paapa Essiedu! Alan Cumming! Luis Guzman! Marc Maron!) can’t make this movie make sense, no matter how many wishes this genie grants. But at least we get a genie choosing a new outfit makeover montage, a truly insane subplot about accidentally stealing the Mona Lisa, and a scene that may have been written in hopes of at one point getting Eddie Murphy to sign onto them movie. 

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Ladies of the 80’s: A Divas Christmas Features Incredible Tales of Craft Services Tables From Years Past

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to dissect a Lifetime movie that SHOULD hit the sweet spot, Lifetime's Ladies of the 80's a Divas Christmas starring Morgan Fairchild, Nicolette Sheridan, Donna Mills, Loni Anderson, Linda Gray, and Christopher Adkins. But first, we get the Blac Chyna news that she and Tyga are now getting along and sharing joint custody of their son. Kumbaya. Then, the guys test whether or not THEY are as powerful as a Siskel and Ebert review that once got Alen Zweibel's son bullied as they dig into this week's movie. Even stacked with so many 80's icons, this movie's many lapses in simple logic make it a rough watch that needed more actual tension between the characters that's not even saved by using (potentially) scalding hot gravy in a food fight and winning an Emmy by showing one's gray hair. 

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Hallmark’s A Merry Scottish Christmas is Basically Succession if Lacey Chabert and Scott Wolf Don’t Want the Empire

Les, Kurt, and Jason are doing something they haven’t done for months: watched a Hallmark movie for their podcast about Hallmark movies (and Lifetime movies, and now so much more). It’s especially fitting to dive back into that world with a movie starring Hallmark royalty (pun intended) Lacey Chabert as she reunites with her Party of Five big brother Scott Wolf. But first, Kurt and Jason wonder if Les himself is secretly a royal, Jason sent Kurt a filthy underwear ad to underscore last episode’s very descriptive conversation about what makes one… um… powerful. Then, Kurt reports on Blac Chyna’s beef with Brian Austin Green, sufferer of vertigo, and Les gets to casually and unironically use the phrase “my in-laws’ yurt.” Then, it’s time to talk about Hallmark’s A Very Scottish Christmas. Producer and star Lacey Chabert was adamant (as were we) that she and Scott Wolf were NOT to be romantic interests in this movie. Instead, we get siblings who are blindsided by the fact that their mother has been lying to them their entire lives when they find out that they are royalty. This castle comes complete with a hot but property manager who is clingy AF, enough sweets to give a giant middle finger to diabetics, and a Scottish tour guide that may or may not be REALLY energetic because of the amount of snow. Go pick your handkerchief color of choice as you have yourself a dirty reindeer!

 

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Gay Icon Burt Young is Roomies with Corey Haim Because Everything in the 80’s was Problematic

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with one more piece of pop culture WTF before diving back into Lifetime and Hallmark movies because the SAG-AFTRA strike is finally over! One person not in love with the new contract is Justine Batemen… and that sends the guys down a rabbit hole about other Family Ties cast members. It also ties into this week’s featured selection because of a Billy Very and the Beaters connection. But before that, the guys reminisce about Matthew Perry, Jason and Les teach Kurt the difference between a bossy bottom and a power bottom, and Blac Chyna’s daughter’s party was thrown by Khloe Kardashian! Then the guys start dissecting a show that could have stood for a LOT more dissecting before it made it to air, 1987’s Roomies. Starring a post-Rocky Burt Young and a pre-Lost Boys Corey Ham, Roomies features a premise so insanely problematic, that the worst thing about the show isn’t even the singing trio that all seem to be on the same bowel movement schedule. Put on your Vagina University hoodie, because we’re going back to college with a bunch of clearly middle aged men!

 

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