A Lifetime of Hallmark

Falling Like Snowflakes Proves to be a Worthy Showcase for the Graduating Class of the Park Ranger Academy of the Arts

Les, Kurt, and Jason are angry… or at least Les and Jason are, while Kurt CLAIMS to be zen despite having suffered through the same movie as they did. But first, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream made a song. But Blac Chyna says it’s not a real song since it’s not on streaming. Though it could still technically BE a song in the same way that Falling Like Snowflakes was technically a movie because a really bad movie is still a movie. Hallmark got an early start on Christmas in July by premiering the movie in June, which is a really cruel thing to do if this movie is, as the guys suspect, a group project created by some people that have been institutionalized. Through that lens, all those involved really did a good job. Through any other lens, though, this may instead feature people so miserable with their acting careers that they’re trying to deliberately sabotage their work to get out of some very unhealthy relationships. If you’re looking for a way to sabotage an unhealthy relationship, make sure you watch this movie with the people in your shared unhealthy situation and it will help you end things quick!

 

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Throwback Thursday Replay: One Winter Proposal

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark’s One Winter Proposal (and make the podcast’s first reference to the Ann Margrock episode of The Flintstones. 

 

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A Game of Post Office Happens Because My Mom Made Me Do It and Love Laughs at Locksmiths

Les, Kurt, and Jason are (deservedly) taking credit for the June Squibb renissance (the Squibissance) currently happening thanks to her movie Thelma. In Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Chy (as she’s now dubbed in the press) is now 21 months sober, and he also contemplates whether he’d be allowed to enter the pearly gates because he’s eaten hors d’oeuvres as a meal at an event. Then it’s time to look into all the ways My Mom Made Me Do It in a Lifetime movie that will make a great replay episode come Mother’s Day. When an AA Meeting meets during volleyball practice at a school where the kids are super into Lucille Ball’s old radio program, you know that’s going to drive a goody-goody high school student into a super convoluted life of crime where attack victims are given a blowout during a coma and where young women don’t recognize their own step-brother. 

 

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Killer Contractor

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this Throwback Thursday Replay is a great episode to get you started.

Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster. 

 

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For Love and Honey Hits the Sweet Spot With Bad Bee Puns, An Invaluable Infrared Guy, and a Hot Mayor Who’s Really Hot

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to stir the (honey) pot that is the Brat Pack Documentary and find out that Kurt has inexplicably never seen the movie Mannequin. In Blac Chyna news, the guys learn that Tokyo Toni met Blac Chyna’s dad at a Macy’s (oh, young love!)  Then, it’s time to see what the buzz is all about with Hallmark’s For Love and Honey, a movie about both beekeeping and archaeology in Malta. It may take a lot of exposition to explain the rather convoluted treasure map at the heart of the plot, but there are plenty of bee puns, a hot professor, and a hot mayor who’s really hot to make things go down smooth like honey. Don’t swat this movie away like you’re trying to get rid of a bee with a King James Bible, but definitely also don’t eat what you think is centuries old butter. 

 

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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Throwback Thursday Replay: A Shoe Addict's Christmas starring Candace Cameron Bure, Jean Smart, Luke Macfarlane, and Kristian Brunn

Les, Kurt, and Jason have dug into their archives to re-visit their 2018 episode about Hallmark's A Shoe Addict's Christmas! Before Candace Cameron Bure left the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, she made a downright fantastic movie that co-starred a pre-Hacks Jean Smart, a pre-Bros Luke Macfarlane, and a slightly post-Orphan Black Kristian Brunn. 

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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

There Must Be a Devil on My Doorstep Because We’ve Now Somehow Become a Sports Podcast

Les, Kurt, and Jason had so much time taking to Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) two episodes ago that she has now officially joined A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast as a producer despite her role in exiling black hoodies from Lifetime! No need to worry, though, as there IS a black hoodie in Devil on My Doorstep. You should worry about Blac Chyna as news about her is no longer as fun, so perhaps a Young Sheldon-style prequel needs to happen for the Blac Chyna Report. A prequel to Devil on My Doorstep may also be needed to better explain the motivations of the characters in the movie, especially since there are a confusing number of villains, rushed graphics from the art department, and writer’s block so bad that perpetually pushes back a funeral service until the eulogy can be finished. This episode was not sponsored by AAA of Southern California… but could be. 

 

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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Joining the Blind Date Book Club is Expensive When Self-Publish Before Getting Feedback

Les, Kurt, and Jason are in the full swing of Pride month but have still found time to join Hallmark’s Blind Date Book Club. But first, Kurt has some not-so-new Blac Chyna news that doesn’t convincingly connect Beyonce to the Epstein plane. Then, the guys turn the page to explore the world of a Hallmark movie where an NPR interview about a book club carries such an incredible emergency that it needs to be conducted live. This is also a world where self-publishing a book can happen in a matter of hours with an incredible amount of detail, likely costing a considerable amount of money. But in a world where one can get hooked on Faulkner instead of heroin, that’s just icing on the (tea) cakes paired with some Danny DeVito Limoncello. 

 

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Killer Fortune Teller Is Not Actually a Fortune Teller According to An Actual Line of Dialogue in this Movie

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the incredible Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) to join them for a fun ride this week. Samantha is a big fan of the podcast and just so happens to also e a costume designer who has worked her share of Lifetime movies! The guys question why Samantha has tried to exile the famed black hoodie and Kurt gets the dirt on Lifetime’s craft services setup (people horde snacks, just like Jason had to do until he was asked for a cookie by Justin Bieber). Plus, there’s some wild Blac Chyna news involving Dueling Bishops that are available at the drop of a hat. Then, it’s time to read the cards for Lifetime’s Killer Fortune Teller, a movie that could not have been more perfect for Samantha given that she’s actually named after Samantha from Bewitched. This movie makes great use of Tarot cards as a means of framing the plot, has solid support from a Michael Douglas / Gavin Newsom hybrid, and uses both a puffy vest and extreme amounts of ketamine to great effect, especially considering it’s all done without the approval of Psychic SAG. But none of it explains why someone so incredibly wealthy would have to pay to pick his own lemons. 

 

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A Chef’s Deadly Revenge Serves up Zero Tension and a Whole Lotta Pig

Les, Kurt, and Jason reconvene after a few weeks to see what’s being served in Lifetime’s A Chef’s Deadly Revenge. But first, it’s time to celebrate the birthday of Blac Chyna… and to toast the many notable people from the entertainment world that passed away since the last episode of the podcast. Then, we learn that Jason made a crass joke in their group chat using emoji to describe Schmoo’s sex life. Kurt asks what Jason meant… and immediately regrets it when he gets an answer to that question that you can’t lock up in a freezer because there is, in fact, a pig in there. In a movie filled with lots of bad stalking and reverse stalking and so very many unnecessary car chases, you can rest assured that having your marriage ended by an unhinged stranger will be rewarded with some free creme brulee. 

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