A Lifetime of Hallmark

Throwback Thursday Replay: A Shoe Addict's Christmas starring Candace Cameron Bure, Jean Smart, Luke Macfarlane, and Kristian Brunn

Les, Kurt, and Jason have dug into their archives to re-visit their 2018 episode about Hallmark's A Shoe Addict's Christmas! Before Candace Cameron Bure left the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, she made a downright fantastic movie that co-starred a pre-Hacks Jean Smart, a pre-Bros Luke Macfarlane, and a slightly post-Orphan Black Kristian Brunn. 

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There Must Be a Devil on My Doorstep Because We’ve Now Somehow Become a Sports Podcast

Les, Kurt, and Jason had so much time taking to Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) two episodes ago that she has now officially joined A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast as a producer despite her role in exiling black hoodies from Lifetime! No need to worry, though, as there IS a black hoodie in Devil on My Doorstep. You should worry about Blac Chyna as news about her is no longer as fun, so perhaps a Young Sheldon-style prequel needs to happen for the Blac Chyna Report. A prequel to Devil on My Doorstep may also be needed to better explain the motivations of the characters in the movie, especially since there are a confusing number of villains, rushed graphics from the art department, and writer’s block so bad that perpetually pushes back a funeral service until the eulogy can be finished. This episode was not sponsored by AAA of Southern California… but could be. 

 

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Joining the Blind Date Book Club is Expensive When Self-Publish Before Getting Feedback

Les, Kurt, and Jason are in the full swing of Pride month but have still found time to join Hallmark’s Blind Date Book Club. But first, Kurt has some not-so-new Blac Chyna news that doesn’t convincingly connect Beyonce to the Epstein plane. Then, the guys turn the page to explore the world of a Hallmark movie where an NPR interview about a book club carries such an incredible emergency that it needs to be conducted live. This is also a world where self-publishing a book can happen in a matter of hours with an incredible amount of detail, likely costing a considerable amount of money. But in a world where one can get hooked on Faulkner instead of heroin, that’s just icing on the (tea) cakes paired with some Danny DeVito Limoncello. 

 

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Killer Fortune Teller Is Not Actually a Fortune Teller According to An Actual Line of Dialogue in this Movie

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the incredible Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) to join them for a fun ride this week. Samantha is a big fan of the podcast and just so happens to also e a costume designer who has worked her share of Lifetime movies! The guys question why Samantha has tried to exile the famed black hoodie and Kurt gets the dirt on Lifetime’s craft services setup (people horde snacks, just like Jason had to do until he was asked for a cookie by Justin Bieber). Plus, there’s some wild Blac Chyna news involving Dueling Bishops that are available at the drop of a hat. Then, it’s time to read the cards for Lifetime’s Killer Fortune Teller, a movie that could not have been more perfect for Samantha given that she’s actually named after Samantha from Bewitched. This movie makes great use of Tarot cards as a means of framing the plot, has solid support from a Michael Douglas / Gavin Newsom hybrid, and uses both a puffy vest and extreme amounts of ketamine to great effect, especially considering it’s all done without the approval of Psychic SAG. But none of it explains why someone so incredibly wealthy would have to pay to pick his own lemons. 

 

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A Chef’s Deadly Revenge Serves up Zero Tension and a Whole Lotta Pig

Les, Kurt, and Jason reconvene after a few weeks to see what’s being served in Lifetime’s A Chef’s Deadly Revenge. But first, it’s time to celebrate the birthday of Blac Chyna… and to toast the many notable people from the entertainment world that passed away since the last episode of the podcast. Then, we learn that Jason made a crass joke in their group chat using emoji to describe Schmoo’s sex life. Kurt asks what Jason meant… and immediately regrets it when he gets an answer to that question that you can’t lock up in a freezer because there is, in fact, a pig in there. In a movie filled with lots of bad stalking and reverse stalking and so very many unnecessary car chases, you can rest assured that having your marriage ended by an unhinged stranger will be rewarded with some free creme brulee. 

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The Legend of the Lost Locket Is As Big a Mystery as Learning Exactly What The Schmoo Is

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for your favorite day of the week aka your favorite occasionally day a few times a month for another episode of A Lifetime of Hallmark! The guys catch up on all of the big news of the world including a new soap coming to CBS, the very tightly patrolled catering backstage at American Idol, and some top notch movie recommendations from listeners. Plus, Kurt gives a very serious and gauzy Blac Chyna report thanks to a big profile about her in the LA Times. Then, it’s time to look into the Legend of the Lost Locket, a Hallmark movie that could have been a bad Indiana Jones knockoff or an even worse costume drama with poor British accents. The movie, thankfully, is pretty charming thanks to its winning leads and a script that fills in the central mystery by taking some cues from Lifetime movies (hello black hoodies and actual crimes!) But some mysteries still remain such as: “Is Boston really known for cannolis?,” “What, exactly, is The Schmoo? ,” and “How much do will some antique kneepads be appraised at?” 

 

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Million Dollar Lethal Listing Hits the Market Thanks to Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, and a Homeowner That’s All To Eager to Let Squatters Stay in HIs Home

Les, Kurt, and Jason jump right into the natural phenomena of the week like the earthquake in New York, the eclipse, and balls falling from the sky. Then Kurt tries a new spin on Blac Chyna news by starting it with a quote by Maya Angelou, and we learn that Blac Chyna accidentally freed a nipple in West Hollywood and “ended up” on BACKGRID. We find out about a place would never eat cake: at a night at Motherlode called “Manhole.” Then we put a bid in on Lifetime’s Million Dollar Lethal Listing, a movie that’s incredibly consequential in that it features a detective who is helpful (our friend Meredith Thomas)! With this detective on the case, maybe we’ll eventually find out while the real owner of the home in this movie was super chill about letting random people (that were duped into buying his house that wasn’t for sale) stay in his home while everything is sorted out. This may be the gaslightiest that movie Lifetime has ever made, but it also inspired the premise of the new sitcom “That Takes The Cake.”

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Killer Cheer Mom Denise Richards Snoops the Old Fashioned Way And Takes On Max from Hart to Hart

Les, Kurt, and Jason are not shading Princess Kate for having $15 cake at an airport, obviously. But they are doing a deep dive into Blac Chyna’s latest loan against her home, and think she could make some real coin by doing ads for Metamucil. Then it’s time to root for Lifetime’s Killer Cheer Mom starring Denise Richards and Thomas Calabro from Melrose Place. Kurt gets a crash course in Michael’s trajectory on Melrose Place and learns (for the first time) about Kimberly and her infamous wig/scar reveal). But that’s not the only trip down memory lane: the kitchen in this movie may be the same one from the fireball scene in Killer Contractor, and the teenagers in this movie may be super into Billy Joel’s back catalog. This kitchen is epic in the way that it can still crank out giant carby meal after giant carbs meal, but that strawberry never stood a chance of making it into those epic smoothies. But there’s home for Kurt’s eventual epic tramp stamp tattoo of giant wings… carrying a cake. This needs to happen now. 

 

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Lindsay Lohan Has an Irish Wish to Get in a Netflix Loop Group with the Illuminati to Get in the Bible or Win a Golden Globe

Les, Kurt, Jason, and Saint Brigid are ready to wreak havoc by talking about Netflix’s new Lindsay Lohan Romantic Comedy Irish Wish! But first they need to talk about the Kate Middleton royal family photo scandal and the fact that Murray Langston the bag-wearing Unknown Comic and Kate are not, in fact, the same person. Then, Kurt shares some super confusing Blac Chyna news involving her mom Tokyo Toni thinking Ice Spice is part of the Illuminati. Then it’s time to head to Ireland, a place that is a good place to be horny and for the Virgin Mary to rebrand herself. But if you get hungry, you’re going to either need to pay $15 for cake at the airport, or you’ll need to go to the candy store to some Pasty Gingers. But, just make sure that you eat it in a car (or boat) that is in motion and not sitting still!

 

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Guiding Les through Guiding Emily, a Cautionary Tale about Fiber and Ambien

Kurt and Jason are tasked with guiding Les through this week’s Hallmark movie, Guiding Emily!  But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about the mystery surrounding net worth, and Jason is absolutely convinced that the story was written by A.I.). Plus, June Squibb is doing an action comedy, and Les shows his doodle! Then, it’s time to dive into Guiding Emily, a movie Les didn’t watch so Kurt and Jason will have to break it down for him!  First things first, this movie is narrated by a dog that is voiced by Eric McCormack (the biggest name in the cast) that will go on to become a seeing-eye dog for the title character. Because of the abundance of characters and the non-connected stories that seemed shoehorned together, Jason suspects this movie was two movies that were married into one. Meanwhile, Kurt is not in favor of couples massages, and Les is in favor of Baked Potato Day! If you liked this movie, say it with your eyes rather than with words because we won’t be paying you union scale. 

 

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