A Lifetime of Hallmark

B.J. Britt, Tyler Hynes, and Jonathan Bennett not JonBenét Ramsey Walk Down the Aisle in The Groomsmen First Look

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and have a lot to catch up on: The passing of Polly Holiday and Robert Redford! The marriage of Oliver North and Fawn Hall! The Rapture! Then Kurt has some news about a potentially controversial acting role for Blac Chyna (will the Rotten Tomatoes score work against it?). Plus, the guys get hitched to Hallmark’s The Groomsmen: First Look, the first in a trilogy of movies about three Philadelphians that don’t have Philly accents! It’s also nice to see Hallmark nodding at shying away from divorce, and leaning into showing the couples actually getting to know each other. Will the guys watch the rest of the movies in this trilogy? Yes, and hopefully their new co-host Lamb Chop will have some opinions, too!

 

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From Sweden, a Pop Culture Catch Up is needed to know that Taylor Swift’s Taylor’s Are Upset Even if Charlie Sheen’s Aren’t

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene to catch Les (and maybe you) up on what’s been happening in pop culture while he’s been in Sweden. Les has a slightly aggressive nicknames for Jason and Kurt, so Jason gets overly aggressive while Kurt wisely avoids what could be a trap. Les is upset about the new Liam Neeson and Pam Anderson development, Kurt shares how Blac Chyna really made her money on OnlyFans, and Jason shares an epic clip of Jamie Lee Curtis on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. So put on your Butt Juice Underwear and chow down on some Dolly Parton Cheesecake!

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I'll Never Let You Go Until Tom Writes His Book, Carlo Takes Off His Shirt, and Emily Finally Gets Some

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back, and Kurt announces he’s about to do something to upset Les: he plans to do a show ON book. Ultimately, Les thinks it’s acceptable, but Jason thinks it may be a sex cult. Jason is quite confused, though, about this week’s Blac Chyna / Tokyo Toni news about Finesse2Types feuding with 50 Cent (or something like that). Plus, June Squibb is headed to Broadway, and both Lifetime and Hallmark are doing layoffs! Despite the layoffs, Lifetime delivered a solid move with “I’ll Never Let You Go.” Much to Kurt’s chagrin, it features an often shirtless antagonist (no complaints from Les or Jason, though), who is clingy AF in spite of the fact that the woman who had the affair with him may very well just be bad in bed while her boss is very definitely bad at business. If you’re doing M*lly while searching for airport gl*ry h*les, then this movie may be for you!

 

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Moriah’s Lighthouse Will Guide you to a Baguettes, a Secret Dungeon and Old Lady Not Linked to the Plot that May Shoot You Point Blank in the Face

Les, Kurt, and Jason are celebrating… healthy prostates (and Jason’s Birthday)! Blac Chyna is celebrating a healthy split from her fiancé. And the guys are collectively celebrating the budding romance of Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson! But, there’s thing not being celebrated: the Hallmark Movie Moriah’s Lighthouse. Despite the presence of Luke Macfarlane, this movie is a snooze fest filled with a bunch of likeable people that needed a better plot onscreen rather than the plot that happened offscreen in the past in a dungeon. With no Light Bright, no Lesbianism, and no consequences for smiley faces, this movie will stop you up like two loaves of bread. 

 

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This Shark Season is a Deep Blue Nightmare for Michael Madsen and for Us

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and felt it was important to honor the recently deceased Michael Madsen with a SyFy Channel (possibly) movie called Shark Season that ended up on Lifetime retitled as Deep Blue Nightmare. But first, Les has stories about his time in Chicago and about his new Jackie Collins tattoo! Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna reports who Tokyo Toni called “a serious zoo animal.” Then, it’s time to dive into the Deep Blue Nightmare where WE ARE THE SHARK in that we are just treading water watching and waiting for something to happen. The only thing Michael Madsen is watching are his cue cards, and the only thing the Navy guy is watching is new patterns of whale carcasses. 

 

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Alison Sweeney and Ashley Williams are Sent To Barcelona, With Love to Find Out That Nobody Wants to Read Either of Their Books

Les, Kurt y Jason regresan después de la aventura europea de Jason, así que, por supuesto, ¡Les abrió el programa en español! Jason habla de su amor por Londres (y Titanique y Dua Lipa en el estadio de Wembley), ¡y Kurt tiene una gran noticia sobre Blac Chyna! Después, llega la hora de ver "To Barcelona, ​​With Love" de Hallmark, la primera de una serie de dos partes que se arruina por completo (en cuanto a la trama) por los incesantes anuncios de la segunda parte, en parte porque ya no existe el cable codificado. ¿Está nevando en Barcelona? En este episodio, descubrirás por qué nieva en Los Ángeles, por qué Nico (probablemente) llora y por qué deberías contestar el teléfono diciendo "Lauren Tewes".

 

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after Jason's European adventure, so of course Les opened the show in Spanish! Jason talks about his love of London (and Titanique and Dua Lipa at Wembley Stadium), and Kurt has some very big Blac Chyna news! Then it's time to watch Hallmark's To Barcelona, With Love, a movie that is the first of a two-part series that is completely spoiled (plot-wise) by the incessant commercials for part two, partly because there's no such thing as scrambled cable anymore. Is it snowing in Barcelona? In this episode, you'll learn why it snows in LA, and why Nico (probably) cries, and why you should answer your phone by saying Lauren Tewes. 

 

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Either a Beej or a Finger Results in A Kidnapping in Amish Country

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back to talk about the biggest stories of the week, the protests in Los Angeles and Mariah Carey making a surprise appearance at The Eagle (you’ll never think of the song “Hero” in quite the same way). Plus, Les tells us about his experience at an official Hallmark FYC event and Kurt has big Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time to head to the farm in Lifetime’s “A Kidnapping in Amish Country” which features an epically bad beard, a villain whose nastiness has nothing to do with the plot of this movie, and a very considerate car thief. It may be idolatrous to categorize your dolls by their dress color, but it is not idolatrous to choose between a beej and a finger. 

 

 

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Fake Royalty and a Black Hoodie is a Rich Person’s Rumspringa for Elsbeth

Les, Kurt, and Jason have been MIA for a month, so Elsbeth got on the case to find out where they’ve been (Bikini Katie says Hi to Kurt!). After celebrating the birth of Blac Chyna, the guys take a look at CBS’s Elsbeth. After Les has been singing the praises of the lady detective, he finally asked/forced Kurt and Jason to watch an episode featuring a Lifetime-esque black hoodie AND Hallmark-esque fake royalty. And a transnational terror cell of princesses. And least Elsbeth is rave ready at a moment’s notice.

 

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered - To the Moon and Back is CSI: USPS with a Special Disgusting Delivery to an Ancient Well

Les, Kurt, and Jason fall into one of 3 distinct categories of people for this week’s movie: podcasters, people in an open MRI, and people in assisted living, huzzah! But the guys would rather talk about other things like Tokyo Toni’s 5 (or is it 6) marriages, and her ex John E. Depth. Mr. Depth may be poking at Les’ opening at Circus of Books (but not in the same way Maya Angelou poked Jason on Facebook). The guys do eventually talk Hallmark’s Signed, Sealed, and Delivered: To the Moon and Back which is apparently part of a series of movies that they have somehow never heard of (despite the series’ existence since 2014)… and they were not impressed despite the presence of Gregory Harrison and Eric Mabius. But when you have a bunch of seemingly coked-up postal workers who are DRUNK with power and Yoo-hoo (but not mimosas), all you get is some genuine government corruption and waste and some misguided advice from Kurt about where to defecate. 

 

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The Sins of My Husband Include Not Filling Out a Real Estate Abduction Disclosure Form

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording after Les is distracted by husbands who hate their actor wives. Then we learn that Kurt wants to give the White Lotus lady boy speech at his class reunion and Les bout a book about veganism autographed by Linda Blair in the 90’s. Plus Jason questions why there is Blac Chyna news about why she doesn’t need to share news about herself. Then, it’s time to go down into the airtight bunker of Lifetime’s Sins of My Husband. Is the Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts handing out a bunch of PhD’s during this movie? Hell yes, and one of them is going to a Coolio-quoting gay Bela Legosi and his crank!

 

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