A Lifetime of Hallmark

Moriah’s Lighthouse Will Guide you to a Baguettes, a Secret Dungeon and Old Lady Not Linked to the Plot that May Shoot You Point Blank in the Face

Les, Kurt, and Jason are celebrating… healthy prostates (and Jason’s Birthday)! Blac Chyna is celebrating a healthy split from her fiancé. And the guys are collectively celebrating the budding romance of Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson! But, there’s thing not being celebrated: the Hallmark Movie Moriah’s Lighthouse. Despite the presence of Luke Macfarlane, this movie is a snooze fest filled with a bunch of likeable people that needed a better plot onscreen rather than the plot that happened offscreen in the past in a dungeon. With no Light Bright, no Lesbianism, and no consequences for smiley faces, this movie will stop you up like two loaves of bread. 

 

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This Shark Season is a Deep Blue Nightmare for Michael Madsen and for Us

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and felt it was important to honor the recently deceased Michael Madsen with a SyFy Channel (possibly) movie called Shark Season that ended up on Lifetime retitled as Deep Blue Nightmare. But first, Les has stories about his time in Chicago and about his new Jackie Collins tattoo! Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna reports who Tokyo Toni called “a serious zoo animal.” Then, it’s time to dive into the Deep Blue Nightmare where WE ARE THE SHARK in that we are just treading water watching and waiting for something to happen. The only thing Michael Madsen is watching are his cue cards, and the only thing the Navy guy is watching is new patterns of whale carcasses. 

 

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Alison Sweeney and Ashley Williams are Sent To Barcelona, With Love to Find Out That Nobody Wants to Read Either of Their Books

Les, Kurt y Jason regresan después de la aventura europea de Jason, así que, por supuesto, ¡Les abrió el programa en español! Jason habla de su amor por Londres (y Titanique y Dua Lipa en el estadio de Wembley), ¡y Kurt tiene una gran noticia sobre Blac Chyna! Después, llega la hora de ver "To Barcelona, ​​With Love" de Hallmark, la primera de una serie de dos partes que se arruina por completo (en cuanto a la trama) por los incesantes anuncios de la segunda parte, en parte porque ya no existe el cable codificado. ¿Está nevando en Barcelona? En este episodio, descubrirás por qué nieva en Los Ángeles, por qué Nico (probablemente) llora y por qué deberías contestar el teléfono diciendo "Lauren Tewes".

 

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after Jason's European adventure, so of course Les opened the show in Spanish! Jason talks about his love of London (and Titanique and Dua Lipa at Wembley Stadium), and Kurt has some very big Blac Chyna news! Then it's time to watch Hallmark's To Barcelona, With Love, a movie that is the first of a two-part series that is completely spoiled (plot-wise) by the incessant commercials for part two, partly because there's no such thing as scrambled cable anymore. Is it snowing in Barcelona? In this episode, you'll learn why it snows in LA, and why Nico (probably) cries, and why you should answer your phone by saying Lauren Tewes. 

 

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Either a Beej or a Finger Results in A Kidnapping in Amish Country

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back to talk about the biggest stories of the week, the protests in Los Angeles and Mariah Carey making a surprise appearance at The Eagle (you’ll never think of the song “Hero” in quite the same way). Plus, Les tells us about his experience at an official Hallmark FYC event and Kurt has big Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time to head to the farm in Lifetime’s “A Kidnapping in Amish Country” which features an epically bad beard, a villain whose nastiness has nothing to do with the plot of this movie, and a very considerate car thief. It may be idolatrous to categorize your dolls by their dress color, but it is not idolatrous to choose between a beej and a finger. 

 

 

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Fake Royalty and a Black Hoodie is a Rich Person’s Rumspringa for Elsbeth

Les, Kurt, and Jason have been MIA for a month, so Elsbeth got on the case to find out where they’ve been (Bikini Katie says Hi to Kurt!). After celebrating the birth of Blac Chyna, the guys take a look at CBS’s Elsbeth. After Les has been singing the praises of the lady detective, he finally asked/forced Kurt and Jason to watch an episode featuring a Lifetime-esque black hoodie AND Hallmark-esque fake royalty. And a transnational terror cell of princesses. And least Elsbeth is rave ready at a moment’s notice.

 

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered - To the Moon and Back is CSI: USPS with a Special Disgusting Delivery to an Ancient Well

Les, Kurt, and Jason fall into one of 3 distinct categories of people for this week’s movie: podcasters, people in an open MRI, and people in assisted living, huzzah! But the guys would rather talk about other things like Tokyo Toni’s 5 (or is it 6) marriages, and her ex John E. Depth. Mr. Depth may be poking at Les’ opening at Circus of Books (but not in the same way Maya Angelou poked Jason on Facebook). The guys do eventually talk Hallmark’s Signed, Sealed, and Delivered: To the Moon and Back which is apparently part of a series of movies that they have somehow never heard of (despite the series’ existence since 2014)… and they were not impressed despite the presence of Gregory Harrison and Eric Mabius. But when you have a bunch of seemingly coked-up postal workers who are DRUNK with power and Yoo-hoo (but not mimosas), all you get is some genuine government corruption and waste and some misguided advice from Kurt about where to defecate. 

 

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The Sins of My Husband Include Not Filling Out a Real Estate Abduction Disclosure Form

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording after Les is distracted by husbands who hate their actor wives. Then we learn that Kurt wants to give the White Lotus lady boy speech at his class reunion and Les bout a book about veganism autographed by Linda Blair in the 90’s. Plus Jason questions why there is Blac Chyna news about why she doesn’t need to share news about herself. Then, it’s time to go down into the airtight bunker of Lifetime’s Sins of My Husband. Is the Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts handing out a bunch of PhD’s during this movie? Hell yes, and one of them is going to a Coolio-quoting gay Bela Legosi and his crank!

 

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Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient is Mindy Cohn on Two Ladders Trying To Figure Out Why There Are So Many Characters in This Movie

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start the show on their fourth try only to immediately get sidetracked talking about Haley Joel Osment’s arrest and Jason’s VERY unpopular opinions about The Breakfast Club. Then Kurt reveals that he’s made some progress with his quest to get Natalia Grace on the show (something Les is fully onboard with, too). In Blac Chyna news, Tokio Toni really just wants to make some beats, so she opens up her home and it doesn’t end well. Then, it’s time to set the table for Hallmark’s Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient, a movie which doesn’t feature Edith from All and the Family or Weezie from the Jeffersons but does feature Natalie from The Facts of Life (Mindy Cohn). Have yourself a snack, whether that’s Kurt’s Tater Tot Casserole, some disgusting chocolate zucchini muffins, or some popcorn immediately after giving yourself a manicure. 

 

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Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass Adopt Natalia Grace to Form a Good American Family That Enjoys Soft Meat

Les, Kurt, and Jason haven’t stopped referencing the Hulu limited series Good American Family about the family that adopted Natalia Grace, so this week they decided to actually watch an episode for the podcast! But first, Les started texting EVERYONE to let them know about his perfect colon (obviously), and Kurt has some Blac Chyna news… as well as some Donny Most news! Plus, Jason vision boards his dream lineup of guests for the podcast: an episode featuring Blac Chyna, Natalia Grace, and the Pornhub math guy. Then it’s time to spill some seed, rock out to Hey Soul Sister, and meet a young Zelda Rubinstein in the first episode of Good American Family. Let’s just say the title is presumptious. But what the show may lack in “good execution” it makes up for with the speed of Florence Griffith Joyner, and the strength of Bam Bam Rubble doing parkour whilst eating pancake burritos on the beach. 

 

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My Husband’s Seven Wives Made a Tater Tot Casserole for Two Charming Criminals

Les, Kurt, and Jason start things off from a tense place because Les was not prepared for what he’d experienced watching Hulu’s “Good American Family” about the Natalia Grace / Zelda Rubenstein saga (which should have starred June Squibb). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her giving back after the Eaton Fire… but Jason questions exactly WHAT she (and the charity and Access Hollywood) are actually doing to actually give back (nobody knows). Then it’s time to walk the aisle with Lifetime’s My Husband’s Seven Wives which, according to the movie, opens a Pandora’s box of bigamy. Suze Orman Tip: Don’t have so many wives), but DO have access to a library that abruptly closes but is somehow always open. 

 

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