A Lifetime of Hallmark

South Beach Love has 2 Quinceañeras Added Up By A Guy Doing Math on Adult Website

Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle a movie that Les watched in 2 cities over 2 days, while Kurt watched it 2 times, Hallmark’s South Beach Love. Sure, the movie’s not nearly as sexy enough for the very attractive leads, but before they get into it: Jason has to relay why he’s mad at (possibly) Rihanna, and Kurt now thinks that we’ve historically been too hard on our beloved park ranger, and Les is mad that Danica McKellar may be moonlighting for another channel. Then the guys dig into a movie about dueling quinceañeras, and soon find out  Les likes a good sexy mumbly man, Kurt is not a teenage girl, and Jason is in awe of the gotcha journalism of a food blog. Ultimately, though, the movie is so boring that the guys end up talking about a dude that makes 250K a year teaching math on what is otherwise an adult content site.*

*The name of the site is being deliberately left out of this description in the event that one of the words in its name could negatively affect any algorithm used to suggest this podcast to others. But the site’s name rhyme with “torn hub.”

 

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Love Strikes Twice for Rick Rubin Time Traveling In the Best Hallmark Movie Ever

Les, Kurt, and Jason are all in agreement of a very bold opinion: Love Strikes Twice this is the best Hallmark Movie they’ve ever seen. (OK, Les thinks it’s tied for 1st, but still…). But first, you’ll need to listen to this podcast to find out about Blac Chyna screaming at an unvaccinated person, the avatar singing competition Alter Ego on Fox, and a very sad rabbit hole of bad reality shows from the past. Then, they guys get to really heap praise on a fantastic Hallmark movie that does not feature bad Mr. Saturday Night old people makeup or period specific pool floaties, but DOES feature time travel, an incredibly fun heist sequence, and confusion over whether super-producer Rick Rubin is part of it (he is not). Seriously, you should watch Love Strikes Twice b. 

 

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The Wrong Prince Charming Has Created a Pyramid Scheme Full of Vivica A. Fox’s HR Violations

Les, Kurt, and Jason have A LOT to unpack before diving into this week’s movie including increasingly more elaborate narrative about Blac Chyna AND the news that the Queen Lori Loughlin is returning to TV in a familiar role… on a channel you’ve never heard of… for her old boss… who seems to be attempting to re-create his Hallmark Channel magic elsewhere. Then, the guys are ready to meet cute with Lifetime’s The Wrong Prince Charming. Is the title alone the most Hallmark-y Lifetime has ever gotten? The movie features Vivica A. Fox and a returning (finally) Tracy Nelson, plus a guy who recently played a prince in a Hallmark movie who Jason has seen shirtless in person. Kurt thinks the acting coach for the entire movie went to our Park Ranger School of Acting™️. And Les thinks the set decorator used the famous leg lamp from A Christmas Story! What IS a Covid-safe hoodie? Is one character taking off his shirt because of an overactive thyroid? And why is Vivica in violation of SO many HR laws? Take a listen to find out!

 

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Roadhouse Romance Steals From Patrick Swayze Movies and Violates Many Health Codes

Les, Kurt, and Jason let it be known right out of the gate that they were not fans of Hallmark’s Roadhouse Romance. But before they get into the details they discuss great movies that would’ve become even better by having Jackee in them, and they preview their new podcast idea which is just hearing people Google things. Then they get into Roadkill Romance (there, we said it), a movie that features many Canadian actors doing such bad southern accents that it’s still unclear what the main character’s name is in the movie (Is it Callie? Is it Kelly? We’ll never know). Soon, the guys come to the epiphany that the writer of this movie may have been watching a bunch of Patrick Swayze Movies. Are the actors in this movie so apathetic about it that they’re improvising dialog about bad scripts, therefore making this movie very meta? Perhaps we’ll find out if Lifetime ever decides to make “The Wrong Barbecue Sauce.” 

 

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Harry & Meghan: Escaping the Palace: Enhanced Edition: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle their third Lifetime movie in a row, and it’s all about the royal family (even though Jason does not like this Monarch s**t). But first, there’s some Blac Chyna news that may have been written by a bot and some Lori Loughlin news (by way of her daughter Olivia Jade being announced as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars). Then, even though this movie doesn’t have a typical Lifetime cold open, it still features a lot of moody flashbacks (via very heavy-handed comparisons to Princess Diana). Then, the guys debate whether Prince William is a sub, whether Princess Kate is playing Candy Crush on her phone, and whether there were landmines at Club Med. Then movie’s biggest misstep, though, is that they didn’t have Tyler Perry Play Oprah. 

 

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The Wrong Cheer Captain Is A Cautionary Tale About Nicotine Vaping and Calling 911 on Speaker Phone

Les, Kurt, and Jason (and you) have been given a perfect cast with Vivica A. Fox, Jackee, Angie from the previous podcast episode’s movie, AND our friend Meredith Thomas all starring in Lifetime's The Wrong Cheer Captain (but seriously, where’s Tracy Nelson?). After some Blac Chyna news and a discussion of the upcoming dramatic reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the guys dive into the epic movie (and give props to production company Hybrid Productions. Even though this movie lacked a black hoodie, dead parents, hidden cameras, and chlorform, it did give have some next-level wooden acting from the Park Ranger School of The Dramatic Arts, framed beautifully with lots of lip gloss in extreme closeups. Plus, the movie inhabits a universe that posits that vaping nicotine leads to murder. 

 

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Do You Trust Your Boyfriend For Being Catfished, Liking Birds, and Wearing Tube Socks?

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the show with the realization that Les has watched this week’s movie in a new and exciting (terrifying) way that Lifetime probably never intended for its movies. Kurt digs into the Blac Chyna archives to give us one of her greatest hits, and the guys lament the news that OnlyFans is getting rid of porn (a decision that was reversed after the recording of this podcast). Then, they dive right into the catfishing pond of Lifetime’s “Do You Trust Your Boyfriend,” a movie in which the main character kinda sorta causes all of the murder and mayhem to ensue yet never gets the blame she deserves. Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast friend Meredith Thomas has a fabulous role in the movie with Ben more fabulous hair and wardrobe and questionable health ailments whose symptoms the guys investigate. Sure the movie has multiple epic slaps, but you came here for the super inside baseball conversation about the SAF-AFTRA election and you know it. 

 

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The 27 Hour Day Doesn’t Have Trivia But Does Have a Pig Montage

Les, Kurt, and Jason gather (virtually) after a few weeks off, and since it was Jason’s birthday he’s spared from watching Hallmark’s “The 27 Hour Day.” To hear Les and Kurt tell it, it’s as if the movie were 27 hours (amirite?). Jason has 2 important questions: was there a pointless trivia contest in the movie (no?) and are these people living on a commune (the verdict is still out). While our heroine may be a very busy heir to Heloise’s throne, she loses points with Kurt for burning the brownies. But at least that was the spark that started “Dessert Talk,” the new podcast within a podcast.

 

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This College Professor Obsession is Nightclub Attire + Adrian Zmed + Eyes Wide Shut Style Parties

Les, Kurt, and Jason have lots to share as Les and Jason ran into each other last night! But more importantly, Les saw the one and only Eric Roberts outside of his chiropractors office, AND Les was on stage in Blac Chyna’s clubhouse. Les may have been too afraid to ask Eric Roberts to be on this podcast because of his “resting I will f** you up face,” but he just might possibly have discovered that they live in the same neighborhood! After Kurt manages to turn his Blac Chyna news about Tyga and Trans women into a (perfect) excuse to reference the 80’s band Men Without Hats (repeatedly), the guys turn their attention this week’s Lifetime movie, “College Professor Obsession.” The movie is part College Admissions Scandal and part Eyes Wide Shut (or so Les thinks, Kurt disagrees), but Jason can’t get past the gaping plot hole that the death that happened on this campus just one week earlier would have been a rather big story to family living just 30 miles away sending their daughter to the same school. The old adage, “don’t focus on plot, just focus on discussing Adrian Zmed” has never been more true as the movie serves up classic Lifetime gaslighting from a cult leader with a potbelly and a flat ass and a couple of young women pretty much asking to be pushed off a ledge. Nobody’s getting a good education at this school, but they’ll get help from Where There’s a Will, There’s an A.

 

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Love at the Ranch Should Be about a Strapping Young Male Cyclops Cyborg Ghostwriter

Kurt gets some great news, so Les and Jason decide that Kurt shouldn’t have to watch this week’s dud of a movie, Hallmark’s Love at the Ranch. After Kurt’s Blac Chyna Report (and the reveal that Jason was offered Hallmark-branded wine), Les and Jason recount the movie that may be the least-enjoyable one ever endured for this podcast. Brimming with Gaslight Condescension, the movie features a boss that makes June Cleaver look like Miranda Priestly, a typing montage, and organic vegetables. In other words, even the possibility that these people may all be living on a commune and don’t know it can’t elevate this old-guard Hallmark movie enough to make us care about the full circle path of an orchid. 

 

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