A Lifetime of Hallmark

Beverly Hills Wedding is a Hallmark Valentine to Vancouver

Les, Kurt, and Jason bring you a jam-packed show heading into Valentine's Day / President's Day weekend! Kurt brings the evolution of media full circle by doing a rerun of his Blac Chyna Report. Les, unsurprisingly, reveals that he's an official Wendy Watcher (aka the Wendy Williams fan army). Jason learned that he's being cut from a Hallmark movie (sort of). But that brings the news that their friend Nina Weinman, writer of many great Hallmark movies, will be on in a few weeks to talk about her latest, Breakup Boot Camp (coming March 27 to Hallmark!) Then, the guys get into Hallmark's Beverly Hills Wedding, a movie with Sandy Duncan situation (or is it Aunt Bea?) that leads the guys to debate who in the film is the most problematic person (and they have OPINIONS). There may more gays on the Hallmark Channel than an Atlantic cruise these days, but that doesn't mean a wedding can't have toxically masculine invitations, right? If you don't like 'em, you can chow down on a bowl of blueberry jam for dessert as you stank-face it up!

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Wendy Williams: The Movie Overwhelms With Montages and Epic Snooping

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have taken one step closer to fulfilling Les’ dream to be on the Wendy Williams Show as they recap Lifetime’s Wendy Williams: The Movie. But first, the guys reveal that they’ve all spent a lot of time in the past week researching the net worth of William Kate and Connie Selleca (of The Greatest American Hero). Then, Kurt delivers a Blac Chyna Report that veers wildly between topics and leads the guys down an informative and extensive Cameo Rabbit Hole (you can pay for a Blac Chyna Cameo with a convenient payment plan!) When it’s time to discuss the movie, the guys lament the demise of the spinning newspaper effect in movies (really, the groundbreaking Marvel-level special effect of its time). How did they do it? By attaching a newspaper to the wheel of a car? A Lazy Susan? Witchcraft? Wendy Williams: The Movie is a masterclass in sneaking around, and delivers so many montages (including the weirdly relateable “f-ed up on a substance in a club” montage) that even Les is overwhelmed!

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Salt-N-Pepa Seasons Lifetime with a Really Good Biopic Filled with Montages

Les, Kurt, and Jason have a new show open! And a new Blac Chyna Report intro. It couldn't come at a better time since Kurt quickly recaps an entire episode of Blac Chyna's reality show and Les reveals that he has TWO contacts that have worked with June Squibb and thinks it's only a matter of time before she comes on the podcast (just mathematically speaking). Then it's time for a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic, kicking off with Salt-N-Pepa (though the kicking better be gentle in case Pepa's feet are hurt from her Flintstones car). That roof may be in disrepair, too, after Kurt jumped on it the first time he heard our podcast on a computer while his dad watched Lacey Chabert solve crime and crossword puzzles! Best fun fact learned in this move: the song "Push It" was recorded in a bathroom! Best line in the movie: Salt, while in labor, being told to "push it real good!" Best realization: that if there's ever a biopic about this podcast, Jason would be the Spinderella. 

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You'll Need a Better Poker Face when You're Dying for a Daughter and Her Day Old Chinese Food

Les, Kurt, and Jason have a pep in their step which could be because they're recording this on inauguration... or because Les got extra relaxation time and almost missed the recording session. Or maybe it's because they have TWO Blac Chyna Reports (one from Kurt and one from Les)! Then, they get in the car with Lifetime's Dying for a Daughter, a movie that happily implements many of Lifetime's best tropes: Blatantly repeating important details for the viewing audience! Ridiculously oversized "hidden" cameras! Wine! More wine! Rufies! Epic amounts of snooping! Unhelpful detectives! Gaslighting! The only things it was missing were chloroform and Vivica A. Fox... but at least it had one of Northern California's top rated Gary Busey impersonators and a child actor so committed to her part that she was willing to actually let her limbs be broken for the sake of art!

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Lacey Chabert Spends Her Winter in Vail Eating Strudel of the Non-Toaster Variety

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to kick of their 2021 Hallmark movie viewing with a new one from Lacey Chabert, Winter in Vail. Kurt may be the most excited, though, since he did some social media digging into the lives of the movie's extras. We learn of a new Lacey Chabert specific Hallmark movie trope (the inherited property), which leads to the question: what would YOUR specific Hallmark movie trope be? Les would certainly be the Hallmark eavesdropper (and has THOUGHTS about how to properly do it). This movie is all about strudel, and it didn't even dawn on the guys until the very end that Lacey's character in Mean Girls claimed that her dad invented Toaster Strudel. Plus, Uncle Grady may not have been the one from Sanford and Son, but he may very well have once had relations with a real-estate agent named Bev (or maybe his best friend Carl). Les gets mad at the German inaccuracies, Jason hates the lazy LA bashing, and Kurt is now (falsely) claiming to represent Elisabeth Shue. 

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Fatal Fiancé Rings in 2021 with More Chloroform and a Dash of Arsenic

Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Les actually spoiled Cobra Kai's season 3 on his social media after Kurt put him on blast, but Jason doesn't think it's a spoiler if the information is used to promote the show (so no spoiler here: Elisabeth Shue makes an appearance). In Blac Chyna news, we learn that Rob Kardashian doesn't want their daughter Dream to twerk. And in our Squibster of June Squibb news, we learn that June is BFF's with Lupito Nyong'o, and that June used to have a career as a female Fabio. Then, the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime's Fatal Fiancé, a movie that may be the start of a new franchise (though is not, regrettably, part of a trilogy that also includes Fatal Attraction and the Whoopi Goldberg movie Fatal Beauty). Fatal Fiancé is packed with soap stars and insane amounts of exposition as well as the world's most clearly labeled bottle of chloroform ever. This is the perfect episode to listen to as your hiding in the backseat of a Hyundai Veloster! 

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A Christmas Carousel Circles the Drain and is Still Better Than King Ralph

Les, Kurt, and Jason question why Aunt Viv from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is going after Lori Loughlin (who's out of prison) and finally launch Squibbster, their long-anticipated update on all things June Squibb. Then the guys take a ride on Hallmark's Christmas Carousel, a royal-themed holiday movie set in the ficticious country of Ancadia. Or is it Anaconda? Or Arcadia? It's hard to tell with all those bad accidents and even worse toupees. It's even harder to tell when the royal family's assistant isn't doing her job resulting in a proposed rehearsed SOLO of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (aka a song as repetitive and non-solo-worthy as "Row Row Row Your Boat").  Pop a Molly (figuratively, of course, nobody's actually advocating drug use) and head to your nearest Courtyard by Marriot with your HR team because it's hirin' season!

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The Christmas Setup Gives us An Adorable Gay Couple, a Fantastic Fran Dresher, and Discussions of Cargo Shorts and Crippling Medical Debt

Les, Kurt, and Jason discuss the Blac Chyna of Christmas Past and Lori Loughlin getting out of jail soon (which is good because Kurt is concerned she may not have enough lunch money). Then, the guys unwrap the gift that is Lifetime's The Christmas Setup. Unlike the same sex couples in recent Hallmark movies, this one features a same sex couple as the main storyline, and it's so good that the guys think it may be one of the best movies they've every watched for the podcast (and not in the way that, say, Killer Contractor was great). Fran Dresher leads a cast that all give great performances (and Les doesn't think so simply because he partly owes his SAG card to Fran Dresher) in between promos for Lifetime's upcoming biopics about Wendy Williams, TLC, and Salt 'n' Pepa. We'd tell you more, but being bound by an NDA is exhausting, so you should just listen!

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Up on a Housetop Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
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Christmas Comes Twice So Avengers Endgame Rules of Time Travel Can Make Us Cry

Les’ internet gave Kurt and Jason a chance to discuss, at length, the Dukes of Hazard Spinoff Enus, which leads to a conversation about Sheriff Lobo, which leads to a conversation about Nell Carter (obviously). Then we learn about the newest player in the Blac Chyna Cinematic Universe, Lil Twin (and the spelling of his friend’s name leads us down a very particular rabbit hole because Jason made the mistake of Googling. But it turns out that the Lil Twin news is the perfect segue into Hallmark’s Christmas Comes Twice since it stars Tamera Mowry-Housley, one of the twins from Sister Sister. Despite the name, the movie is not about twins but does involve time travel (a subject Les is convinced he’s an expert in because he’s seen Avengers: Endgame). And even though all three guys thought the movie was actually really good (and they all cried!), they still found plenty to dissect. Why does that ride feature strawberries? Why is Miss Nelson so lazy? Who needs 500 forks? Should Enus be rebooted in 2020? Listen to get your answers! 

 

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A Recipe For Seduction Never Gives the Ingredients to Duncan Hines

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered for a bonus episode to discuss Lifetime’s self-described Mini-movie, A Recipe for Seduction. Yup, this is the movie with a sexy Colonel Sanders played by Mario Lopez. The guys are well aware that they’re doing a recap of branded content, but they’re ok with it since they learn that the real Colonel Sanders wasn’t really a military colonel as much as he was the OG Blac Chyna of his day and Sara Lee may have been the gay BFF of Colonel Sanders (soon-to-be) wife. 

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