A Lifetime of Hallmark

Pyscho Storm Chaser Is Responsible for the Castaways on Gilligan’s Island Because Employment Law Allows for Murdering During Your Break

Les, Kurt, and Jason have the perfect movie to watch during the winter storms: Lifetime Movie Network’s “Psycho Storm Chaser.” Everyone is being affected by massive winter storms at the moment, except maybe the podcast’s Lithuanian listener.  Come visit the country of Bullsh**tia, home of crazy adoption stories and Blac Chyna news that will help you with the Lifetime of Hallmark drinking game. You’ll definitely be cheering this week’s truly insane movie where the killer’s motive is to teach people a lesson for not heeding the advice of their local meteorologist (seriously, that’s actually the motivation here). This killer then goes on the FRAME the weather for his crimes, leading you down a super deep Gilligan’s Island rabbit hole where you’ll wonder if those castaways were exiled to that island by the Psycho Stormchaser himself. In a town that needs to have a serious reckoning with the labor movement, only Woody Allen and a possibly former pole-dancing coma patient know the real score. 

 

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Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Autumn Reeser Pull back The Wedding Veil to Reveal The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants without the Pants

Les, Kurt, and Jason give their thoughts on this week’s movie before their opening theme song is even complete, but first dive right into some Blac Chyna news that checks all the boxes. Then, the guys are ready for the first in a new trilogy of Hallmark films, “The Wedding Veil.” Starring Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Autumn Reeser, only this expansion of the Hallmark Cinematic Universe could shine a well-deserved spotlight on a Grady from Sanford and Son Masterclass and a realization about Wilfred Brimley that Les is NOT happy to learn (and it has nothing to do with oatmeal, vodka, or cocaine… or the cease and desist that may follow. Do not cease from sending us your Mac and Cheese recipes, though, for it pairs wonderfully with an array of cakes and pies at couples therapy on your first date. 

 

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The Wrong Blind Date with Special Guest Meredith Thomas is Lifetime’s Lady in Waiting to Queen Vivica A. Fox

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome back friend of the podcast Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) to talk about her starring role in Lifetime’s The Wrong Blind Date. A psychic didn’t tell Meredith that she’d be doing the wrong movies, but they did tell us that the Blac Chyna reporting would once again get slightly more violent than the last time we heard the story. This episode is a MUST-LISTEN for fans of Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network (LMN) as Meredith Thomas has appeared (so far) in 30 movies for Lifetime, second only to the Queen, Vivica A. Fox. In addition to Meredith, this episode also features an appearance from an important prop from the movie! Plus, the guys get exclusives about the pandemic’s effects on the movie’s wardrobe (more of Meredith’s own amazing wardrobe, less shirts for the guys) and food (no onscreen cake for the offscreen catering). And, there are pitches to for many other Wrong movies including The Wrong Construction Site, The Wrong Soap Star, The Wrong Podcasts Hosts, The Wrong Sperm Donor, and The Wrong Vagina. 

 

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Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas with Daytime Confidential’s Jillian Bowe, plus Jackee Harry and Heteropaternal Superfecundation

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest to kick of 2022: Daytime Confidential Senior Editor and Podcast Co-Host Jillian Bowe (@jillianbowe). Since so many soap actors star in Lifetime and Hallmark movies, the guys wanted to see what the real blending of all those worlds would look like with Peacock’s swing at a holiday movie, Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas. Kurt wonders if this movie, set in the Days of Our Lives universe (kinda) is a school assignment. Jillian is skeptical of Blac Chyna’s 6-foot metal pole. Les reveals countless insane backstories from Days of Our Lives' past. Jason wants to open a temp agency specifically for last minute soap recasting. And everyone goes down an insane rabbit hole of heteropaternal superfecundation (twins with different dads). Perhaps most critically, this movie has Jackee, slapping, and shirtlessness. 

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REPOST: Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt find The Lost Valentine Who Is Not Gil Gerard

Les, Kurt, and Jason, like the rest of the world, are mourning the passing of the legendary Betty White. Back in 2019, they watched a Hallmark movie starring Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt called The Lost Valentine which showed us that Betty is a fantastic dramatic actor, too. So please enjoy that episode again (or for the first time). 

 

REPOST:

Les, Kurt, and Jason join the search party for The Lost Valentine, a Hallmark Hall of Fame film starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. One thing that was found: Gil Gerard's career! (Who knew Gil Gerard shaming could be a thing?) Kurt describes the east coast weather as a June Squibb (a surprising number of our episodes are tagged with June Squbb's name). The guys read serious "swinger dinner party" subtext into one of the scenes, learn that Captain Stubing was an abusive father, agree that public proposals are bad bad bad, and confuse one of the characters with Neo from the Matrix (or was it R&B singer Ne-Yo)... all while name-checking Lance Bass' movie "On the Line," Hoku, Don Ho, and the demise of the CableAce Awards. 

 

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Sister Swap: Christmas in the City is Like the Other Sister Swap Movie, but with Gay People Too

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded this in 3 separate parts of the world as Les is currently in Brussels where he will be attending a wedding in an actual castle! Jason’s theory about the same Blac Chyna story getting increasingly more violent every time it’s repeated leads the guys to start brainstorming the Lifetime movie they plan to write and produce called “The Wrong Kardashian” (directed by Jackee). Then it’s time to head to the super diverse pocket of America known as Salt Lake City in Hallmark’s Sister Swap: Christmas in the City, the companion movie to last week’s Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday. The movies share MANY plot points, though in this one it’s revealed that 2 of the side characters are gay… and even get an on screen kiss before the leads of the movie do! The biggest takeaway from the movie, though, is to not beg your (possible) ex to come work at your restaurant when she’s in the middle of a busy lunch rush because she will shut you down immediately. 

 

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There are NO Twins or Body Switches in Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday, but There IS a Crying Room

Les, Kurt, and Jason went into this week’s movie, Hallmark’s Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday, thinking that it would involve body switching or twins (or both), but those expectations weren’t met. But before the movie sucks them in, first they have to discuss Blac Chyna being accused of kidnapping someone (and equally accused of being high on cocaine and crazy). Then the guys are ready to dissect a movie that features both Williams sisters (Kimberly Willams-Paisley and Ashley Williams, not Venus and Serena) in what appears to be a 2 part movie that is told from one sister’s point of view with this movie, and from the other sister’s point of view in the next movie (which will be discussed on the next podcast). Any movie that can veer conversations about the sex appeal of Charles Fleischer (aka the voice Roger Rabbit… and Laverne’s next roommate after Shirley moved out), the comparability of Bob Dole and The Big Ragu, and Beaver Cleaver’s trashy girlfriend can’t be all that bad. Plus, if nothing else, listen to this episode to hear the pilot of Kurt’s new podcast all about Ann Jillian. 

 

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An Ice Wine Christmas Toasts the On Call Volunteer Grape Pickers Who Believe in Science and Sex

Les, Kurt, and Jason take their time before dissecting taking tiny testicles off tree branches to discuss such important issues as mannequin piss, Magnum condoms’ lid with room for whipped cream, and which former President is Blac Chyna ride or die. But then, it’s (begrudgingly) time to pour a glass of Lifetime’s “An Ice Wine Christmas,” a movie Kurt and Jason keep forgetting wasn’t from Hallmark instead. The telltale sign it’s from Lifetime: they like science and sex. What the movie lacks in paid grape pickers, it more than makes up for in opportunities to find out which Academy Ward Winner Kurt once saw at Ikea. 

 

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BONUS: My (Unauthorized) Hallmark Movie Musical

On this special bonus episode, Les talks to the creator and director (respectively) of a new stage show clearly inspired by Hallmark movies (and this podcast), My (Unauthorized) Hallmark Movie Musical. Eloise Coopersmith created the show, and Jon Peterson directs, playing now through December 19, 2021 at the Broadwater Theatre Mainstage in Hollywood

Books and Lyrics by: Eloise Coopersmith

Live performance Directed by: Anne Runolfsson;

Multimedia performances Directed by: Crissy Guerrero

Music by: Roxanna Ward

Music Arranged by: Tony Guerrero

Presented by: P3 Theatre Company

Starring: Eloise Coopersmith

Special appearances by Nina Herzog on December 4 at 3 PM, December 11 at 3 PM, and December 17 at 7 PM.

Where: The Broadwater Main Stage, 1078 Lillian Way, Hollywood, CA 90038

When: Opens, Friday, December 3, 2021, at 7 PM.

Runs through December 19, 2021.

Fridays @ 7pm; Saturdays @ 3pm and 7pm; Sundays @ 3pm

Admission: Adults-$38; Seniors/Students/Military-$35

Group Discounts Available

 

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Grab your Disappearing Ticket and All of the Meth to Board the Train: Next Stop, Christmas with Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to speed into this week’s Hallmark movie, but first they have to debate whether Blac Chyna looks like Edna from The Incredibles (and therefore like Linda Hunt). Then, the guys hop on the train to Hallmark’s Last Stop, Christmas, a time travel movie that had the gall to cast Back to the Future alums Lea Thompson and Christopher Lloyd while also stealing from Quantum Leap and Thomas the Train. This is a fast moving train, though, because it’s (allegedly) powered by a lot of meth and serves donuts!  Sometimes what we want is not what we need, and we neither wanted nor needed to see someone drying their balls in the hand dryer… but here we are. 

 

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