A Lifetime of Hallmark

A CPR Doll and a Truly Amazingly Insane Movie are Just What the Doctor Ordered

Les, Jason, and Kurt are all super-excited to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie that they barely have any time to even discuss Blac Chyna(!) If you've ever wondered why the guys like Lifetime movies so much, start right here with this one, Just What the Doctor Ordered! It's the FIFTH movie in a franchise that we didn’t know we needed… but boy are we happy when we found it. Jason proclaims that this is the most insane movie we have ever watched for this podcast, and he’s not wrong. It’s got Eric Roberts! Giant Cameras! A CPR dummy that serves as this movie’s “Wilson!” When you’ve got a detective that is all in for the Lars and the Real Girl situation happening and a psychiatrist with clearly undiagnosed OCD, you know you’re in wild time. Even wilder than a night sharing SAG screeners with Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts while Jimmy Buffet makes margaritas! 

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Right in Front of Me are Fred Gwynne, a Scientologist, and 5 Maraschino Cherries

Les, Kurt, and Jason kick off the show having to delicately explain (or imply) what "ski poles" are, then they get excited for the first new Blac Chyna news in weeks (triggering questions about how Blac Chyna would dress for court and why the Kardashians want a free subscription to her Only Fans page). Then it's time to talk about Hallmark's Right in Front of Me, a new movie starring a (very sexy) Phillipino lead, yet another new milestone for the channel. There's also a potential romantic rival named that leads Kurt to genuine introspection on his walk. Les and Jason share potential Scientology recruitment encounters, we learn that eating garnishes is gauche, and Kurt keeps seeing ads for Atlantis gay cruises. But that's all just an onramp to the episode's most important conversation: how do other celeb's hotness stack up to Fred Gwynne (jump ahead to 1:09:21 for that 6 1/2 minute exercise in absurdity). 

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Beware of the Midwife Holding Chloroform and aTruly Gigantic Baby

Les, Kurt, and Jason are stunned but he lack of Blac Chyna news this week, so Les instead offers up a report on Jackee's shenanigans on Days of Our Lives (spoiler: there's A LOT going on including a drunken consolation marriage!) Then, the guys are ready to hold the super gigantic baby at the center of Lifetime's Beware of the Midwife. This movie revels in some (but not all) of Lifetime's best tropes: sneakiness, black hoodies, and baby stealing. But the guys can never figure out where the movie is set (is it New York? Chicago? St. Paul? Pittsburgh?) or why the hospital has such a problem with very basic security procedures. Plus, bigger questions loom including: Would this gigantic baby win in a fight against Bam Bam from the Flintstones? Is that chloroform or poppers? Is the actor playing the lawyer trying to win an Emmy for his 5 and under? Discuss amongst yourselves, just make sure you turn on the water and whisper. 

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One Perfect Wedding Proves That Hallmark is Ready to Show Some Clavicle Now

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready for the latest and final(?) chapter in Hallmark’s “One” trilogy of One Winter Weekend and One Winter Proposal with One Perfect Wedding. Despite having recapped the first 2 movies for this very podcast, Kurt still has no recollection of who these people are. Before we get an answer to “why is the lead of this movie bald now (a popular query on Google), we get an answer to “How has Blac Chyna navigated the pandemic?” Then Les and Jason concur that Kurt, as a background actor in The Trial of the Chicago 7, should technically get to share in that movie’s win at the SAG Awards. Kurt may be a SAG Award Winner, but he is (admittedly) no Dr. Joyce Brothers. Jason ponders if the new Hallmark will eventually mean creatively bleeped F-bombs, and Les offers some sage advice (via Jackee, obviously). Plus, Jason and Les offer some controversial opinions about Brokeback Mountain and Call Me By Your Name even as they wonder if there is squirrel feces in your pinecones. 

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Always the Brutal Bridesmaids, Never the Stripper Who Might Be One of the Producers

Les, Kurt, and Jason are recapping a movie written by another person that once lived in Jason’s apartment building Lifetime’s Brutal Bridesmaids. But they can’t get into movie without first getting an in-depth (possibly via Wikipedia) look at the rise of Blac Chyna and and even more in-depth look at all the publications that we’ve never heard of but have featured Blac Chyna. Then, the guys are ready to head down the aisle into the movie, written by Jason’s friend Patrick Powell, and featuring some AWESOME outfits (except for the wedding dress, what the hell?!?!). This is possibly the cattiest movie the guys have ever watched, including the shadiest (and longest) makeover montage that puts it into the montage hall of fame. Sloan may be a constant bummer, and there may hot have been a curse at the center of it all as Les suspected, but at least there’s a pyramid scheme! And a male stripper that Les and Jason have strong opinions about! And a Johnny Lawrence/Daniel-son / Tom & Jerry ending for Kurt! If you don’t like it, you should just sneak out like a lady!

 

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Chasing Waterfalls Shows Us a Whole New Hallmark Channel Complete with Old Prospectors Panning for Gold

Les, Kurt, and Jason really do see the positive changes Hallmark has taken to contemporize and diversify their movies while still staying true to the Hallmark Brand. Speaking of on brand, Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that is (once again) solely about her outfit... and propels the guys into pondering what Blac Chyna's courtroom looks would invoke. Jason is happy that the Bink Williams character kinda sorta inspired by him made it into Hallmark's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart". Then, the guys are ready to go for a swim in "Chasing Waterfalls," a Hallmark movie that has great messages for young women and girls, shirtlessness for Les and Jason, and Cindy Busby for Kurt. It's also got a diverse cast with multiple people of color and members of the LGBTQ community, actual use of the word "divorce," allusions to pre-marital sex, and tips on how to avoid getting eaten by a bear! But even though the guys seemed to like it, they are all still wondering about the windfall of gold that awaits them!

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BONUS EPISODE with Nina Weinman, writer of Hallmark's Don't Go Breaking My Heart

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to welcome Nina Weinman back to the podcast to talk about her new Hallmark Channel movie Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Nina and Jason are longtime friends and former improv cohorts, and Nina even (sorta) wrote Jason into her latest movie (though Jason's not happy about the name change). Kurt has a game for Nina (which she thankfully aced) and Les rightfully lauds Nina and Hallmark for their continued efforts into inclusivity. Plus, Nina hints at some exciting Hallmark movies she has in the pipeline. 

Follow Nina Weinman on Twitter @nibewe. She says she's not that interesting, but we disagree.

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The Desperate Widows Lures You into a Cult that’s a Different Shade of Bonkers

Les, Kurt, and Jason love themselves an over-the-top Lifetime movie, but this one may not have lived up to expectations. The Blac Chyna news also left something to be desired as it was not so much “news” as much as it was “a piece of information that is barely notable.” Then Jason goes on a rant about about DVD waste before the guys join the sex trafficking ring cooked up in Lifetime’s Desperate Widows. The movie was formerly known as Mommune as in “mommy commune” as in a movie that truly tests Les and Kurt’s patience. On the one hand, the movie has a hot dad and hotter handyman, but on the other hand we never meet the dad and the handyman may or may not be a (helpful) mute. This is a movie that’s all about side hustles where sex trafficking is basically the same as opening an Etsy store, albeit one that leads to potential HR violations. 

 

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Mix Up in the Mediterranean Offers Twins Hijinks, Actual Crime, Deception, and Nearly-Implied Infidelity

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by almost immediately going down a Tyler Perry rabbit hole (but who hasn't done that?) and a riveting Blac Chyna Report involving matching outfits. Then, the guys head to Malta for Hallmark's Mix Up in the Mediterranean, a movie that seems to make a run at things Lifetime usually treads in like crime, deception, and the age old question of "should we go through people's medicine cabinets?". Kurt thinks the movie is DUMB, and Les and Jason agree despite really liking it and all of its ridiculous kitchen espionage. We may not get the "one twin training the other twin" montage that Les had hoped for, but we DO get Les spilling the tea on his cousin-in-law. And we get a Hallmark movie that very casually lets multiple characters commit a felony (making the guys realize that one of the characters in the movie is either homeless with hitman connections or he's been microchipped and can never leave. Dig into a nice baked Alaska, and if you don't like it in 2 months then you know it wasn't very good anyway.

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Cupid Delivers The Wrong Valentine to the Podcast: Special Guest Meredith Thomas!

Les, Kurt, and Jason try something for the first time: recapping a Lifetime movie with the help of one of the movie’s stars! Special Guest Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) is a veteran of many movies in The Wrong Cinematic Universe, and she’s got a pivotal role in The Wrong Valentine. Meredith gets to work alongside Vivica A. Fox and her character gets to say everything that the audience is thinking, even if her suspicions are proven correct first-hand (something Meredith’s dad didn’t see coming on Google Maps). Plus: Les is ready to step right into this movie’s mom’s cowboy boots, Kurt rewinds to determine what kind of birthday cake is being served, and Jason is taking it all in on the Sliver wall of TV screens. 

 

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