A Lifetime of Hallmark

Do You Trust Your Boyfriend For Being Catfished, Liking Birds, and Wearing Tube Socks?

Les, Kurt, and Jason start the show with the realization that Les has watched this week’s movie in a new and exciting (terrifying) way that Lifetime probably never intended for its movies. Kurt digs into the Blac Chyna archives to give us one of her greatest hits, and the guys lament the news that OnlyFans is getting rid of porn (a decision that was reversed after the recording of this podcast). Then, they dive right into the catfishing pond of Lifetime’s “Do You Trust Your Boyfriend,” a movie in which the main character kinda sorta causes all of the murder and mayhem to ensue yet never gets the blame she deserves. Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast friend Meredith Thomas has a fabulous role in the movie with Ben more fabulous hair and wardrobe and questionable health ailments whose symptoms the guys investigate. Sure the movie has multiple epic slaps, but you came here for the super inside baseball conversation about the SAF-AFTRA election and you know it. 

 

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The 27 Hour Day Doesn’t Have Trivia But Does Have a Pig Montage

Les, Kurt, and Jason gather (virtually) after a few weeks off, and since it was Jason’s birthday he’s spared from watching Hallmark’s “The 27 Hour Day.” To hear Les and Kurt tell it, it’s as if the movie were 27 hours (amirite?). Jason has 2 important questions: was there a pointless trivia contest in the movie (no?) and are these people living on a commune (the verdict is still out). While our heroine may be a very busy heir to Heloise’s throne, she loses points with Kurt for burning the brownies. But at least that was the spark that started “Dessert Talk,” the new podcast within a podcast.

 

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This College Professor Obsession is Nightclub Attire + Adrian Zmed + Eyes Wide Shut Style Parties

Les, Kurt, and Jason have lots to share as Les and Jason ran into each other last night! But more importantly, Les saw the one and only Eric Roberts outside of his chiropractors office, AND Les was on stage in Blac Chyna’s clubhouse. Les may have been too afraid to ask Eric Roberts to be on this podcast because of his “resting I will f** you up face,” but he just might possibly have discovered that they live in the same neighborhood! After Kurt manages to turn his Blac Chyna news about Tyga and Trans women into a (perfect) excuse to reference the 80’s band Men Without Hats (repeatedly), the guys turn their attention this week’s Lifetime movie, “College Professor Obsession.” The movie is part College Admissions Scandal and part Eyes Wide Shut (or so Les thinks, Kurt disagrees), but Jason can’t get past the gaping plot hole that the death that happened on this campus just one week earlier would have been a rather big story to family living just 30 miles away sending their daughter to the same school. The old adage, “don’t focus on plot, just focus on discussing Adrian Zmed” has never been more true as the movie serves up classic Lifetime gaslighting from a cult leader with a potbelly and a flat ass and a couple of young women pretty much asking to be pushed off a ledge. Nobody’s getting a good education at this school, but they’ll get help from Where There’s a Will, There’s an A.

 

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Love at the Ranch Should Be about a Strapping Young Male Cyclops Cyborg Ghostwriter

Kurt gets some great news, so Les and Jason decide that Kurt shouldn’t have to watch this week’s dud of a movie, Hallmark’s Love at the Ranch. After Kurt’s Blac Chyna Report (and the reveal that Jason was offered Hallmark-branded wine), Les and Jason recount the movie that may be the least-enjoyable one ever endured for this podcast. Brimming with Gaslight Condescension, the movie features a boss that makes June Cleaver look like Miranda Priestly, a typing montage, and organic vegetables. In other words, even the possibility that these people may all be living on a commune and don’t know it can’t elevate this old-guard Hallmark movie enough to make us care about the full circle path of an orchid. 

 

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Stalked by My Doctor: The Return of Eric Roberts Posing as a Doctor That’s in Your Health Insurance Network

Les, Kurt, and Jason wiped the stink of their most recent snooze fest selection by returning to the fountain of lunacy that is Lifetime’s Stalked by My Doctor series with the second chapter, The Return. After debating whether Blac Chyna-adjacent news is still news, the guys go all in for a movie that shows Eric Roberts doing therapy over Zoom in a pre-pandemic world, conditions us to believe that fashionable personalized life vests are a things, and gives us a delicious recipe for a smoothie filled with pills! Eric Roberts tries to take the blazer-on-a-beach wearing crown from Carnie Wilson, but when Pine Valley looks like Simi Valley, we’re all gonna confuse Mikey Rourke for Mickey Rooney (or is it Andy Rooney?). 

 

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You Had Me at Aloha Says Hello to Goats Having a Moment and Goodbye to 2 Hours of Your Night

es, Kurt, and Jason return from a few weeks off to a movie about a vacation paradise, Hallmark’s You Had Me at Aloha. Sure, the movie could’ve benefitted from some script doctoring from Kurt during his recent hospital stay (or at least some notes from Les’ sister), but at least the movie does finally say Aloha (as in “goodbye”). Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that focuses on the poor judge that, as part of his judicial responsibilities, HAS to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. Then, the guys hit sand to take in this week’s movie. You’d think that with the inexplicably high-fiving extras and Crocodile Dundee rabbit hole that they’d find more to like about this week’s pic, but that’s all counter-balanced by goat imposters and yet another pointless trivia contest. At least this movie’s sidekicks are as fun as a three-part episode of the Brady Bunch.

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Unlike the Friends Reunion, Deceitful Dating Does Not Have a Cameo from Malala Yousafzai

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that the world is opening back up, and Jason coins the phrase “The Whoring 20’s” (though other people have probably used the same term before. The Blac Chyna Report leads to a deep dive on the term “baby mama,” and we learn that Jason could’ve (should’ve) been included in the Friends reunion. Then the guys eventually get into Lifetime’s Deceitful Dating, a movie which feels like each scene was started with poor improv work yet the only through line is that everyone really loves orange juice. This movie doesn’t feature a typical Lifetime villain as much as it does somebody that wants to lurk to get better home design tips in person rather than watching HGTV. Perhaps the most sexless Lifetime movie ever, perhaps the only redeeming element is the way the victim trades beauty tips about her stalker… set to a live score from Les. 

 

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Sweet Carolina is a Two-Way Street of Doucheiness with Motivational Tips from Pinterest

Les, Kurt and Jason try to delay the inevitable: talking about this week’s Hallmark movie. Despite the presence of Queen Lacey Chabert, the guys would much rather discuss a Blac Chyna story involving a hitman as well as a long discussion of late 80’s/early 90’s first run syndication staples like Throb, What’s Happening Now, Small Wonder and Shelly Long. When they DO talk about the movie, they find themself fascinated with grilling whilst bathing, John Grisham novels as porn, and the offensive stealing from (aka homage to) Back to the Future. 

 

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Stalked By My Doctor Eric Roberts, Doll Sniffer and Dodge Stratus Driver

Les, Kurt, and Jason go for a second week in a row with no Blac Chyna News. Thankfully, though, Kurt comes through with news that Eric Roberts was on the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy! That timing is fortuitous since the guys decided to watch another Eric Roberts Lifetime movie, Stalked by My Doctor. They all loved Just What the Doctor Ordered so much, so they decided to go back to where this cinematic universe began… and it did not disappoint! Soapboxing about texting and driving, check! Unfriending someone on social media as the ultimate middle finger, check! Sniffing a doll’s clothes before beating the absolute s*** out of another doll in a fit of entitled rage, check! This movie serves up lunacy and infuriating misogyny in ample amounts, and still has time to work in multiple chloroform scenes. We can talk about it all at the backyard funeral! 

 

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Sun, Sand, and Romance Makes an Indecent Proposal to Suzanne Pleshette

Les, Kurt, and Jason don’t have a Blac Chyna Report, but they DO have an update on Lori Loughlin, yet another discussion of Patti Labelle’s dessert selections, and the concept that Martha Stewart either thugged it our or hugged it our (only autocorrect really knows). Then, they guys (reluctantly) start to dissect Hallmark’s Sun, Sand, and Romance… which is more like Sun, Bland, and Romance (amirite?). Kurt think it’s Hallmark’s first cuckhold movie, Jason points out that the movie’s many empty platitudes are similar to the offerings from the store Successories, and Les gets excited to watch Tony Robbins talkin’ s***. The movie may feature the exact same extras playing resort’s employees AND the guests, but at least a mysterious real estate mogul exerts some Big D energy to liven up your s**tty souvenir shopping montage. 

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