A Lifetime of Hallmark

My Professor’s Guide to Murder: Haylie Duff and Lifetime Want You to Get the Buckets

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with the discussion you didn’t know you needed about the Tom Cruise cake and the Olivia Wilde Salad Dressing in a tale so layered, it makes this week’s movie seem quaint in comparison. But first, in Blac Chyna News, Kurt delivers the news that Tokyo Toni is saying some incredibly (hilariously) filthy things involving buckets in front of her granddaughter when she can’t figure out how to get Alexa to stop talking. Then, the guys jump down into the silo known as Lifetime’s movie, My Professor’s Guide to Murder. Stephen Hawking isn’t in this movie, but if he were, he too would need buckets (and a lot of them!). Kurt almost needed a new pair of Converse sneakers, Jason needs a fabulous traveling professor house, and Les needs to find someone else to drag to Musical Mondays. 

 

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In Big Sky River, Everybody Wants to Keep the Cocks but not the Racoons

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a very very long break and so so so many Gay Prides! Yes, prides have parades, and Les sat through part of a really long one before being coerced into marching IN one, but Jason will only watch the parades if they’re done at the posted speed limit (flying drag queen wigs be damned)! Then, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news (that may or may not be from before our long break). Then, the guys take a dip in Hallmark’s Big Sky River which is, apparently, a movie they all watched. Despite the over-priced gas in this small town, it still has what it takes to attract residents like (not) Reba McIntyre, and a woman going through an (oft-mentioned) “terrible divorce.” This movie has an extended scene involving grabbing a chicken. It also has a friend hint that one of the characters should have a fling. Get your air horn, cuz this ain’t your mom’s Hallmark. 

 

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Her Affair to Die For is Actually His When the Child Is the Same Age as the Parent

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with a lively discussion about who it is that’s having the affair in a relationship, sparked by Lifetime Movie Network’s “Her Affair to Die For.” But first, the guys discuss, as best they can, some of the things at stake with the current (as of the recording of this podcast) writer’s strike and we find out that Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni have reunited! Then, it’s HIS affair to die for since the husband is the one that has the affair in this wildly fantastically dumb movie that could have (legitimately) been written by 10-year-olds. But if you can get past the fact that the parents are the same age as their daughter, you’ll be delighted by a villain that’s giving serious Elizabeth Berkley caffeine pill vibes! You’ll be so excited as you see an entire crime plan mapped out in front of a background actor doing some squats because all’s well that ends well! 

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Rooming with Danger, a Baby Monitor, and some WGA Picketers at the Oakwood Apartments

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded the latest episode on Coronation Day, which may have been celebrated by some still drunk on tequila from the previous night’s Cinco de Mayo festivities. Then (after some Blac Chyna news, natch), the guys are ready to shack up with Lifetime Movie Network’s “Rooming with Danger.” Sure this fabulous house may not have any wine at all in its gigantic glass wine closet (nor does it have an Oxford comma), but it does teach one how to throw a brick on a budget and how to play Marco Polo when outside of the water (just do it on the volleyball court!). Watch this movie in HIGH definition to truly appreciate the students of East Coast University: The Park Ranger School of Dramatic Arts! 

 

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A Pinch of Portugal, a Dollop of Trash Can Ice Cream, and Tickle of Oran “Juice” Jones

Les, Kurt, and Jason are cleansing their palates after last week’s movie, and what better way to do it than with a movie all about flavorful food. But first, Kurt tells the guys about the tickle documentary that mesmerized him (do NOT tickle Jason) and that Les is going to watch now that he’s all caught up on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! Then we learn that Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni are talking again! Is it real, or is it for the cameras? Maybe Jerry Springer / Ricki Lake / Morton Downey Jr. and more are to blame for it (and for the downfall of TV and maybe the MAGA movement…). Then it’s time for Hallmark’s A Pinch of Portugal! The movie has a gorgeous setting and even more gorgeous men so hot that they literally set off Les’ smoke alarm! The movie also features a Silver Fox Fred Flintstone, a Broken Down Tim Burton, and trash can ice cream. The movie is so good, you’ll be tickled!

 

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A (Maybe) Non-Union David Paymer (lookalike) Can’t Be Drunk, Driving, and 17 But Can Be Part of a Super Heavy-Handed Message

Les, Kurt, and Jason may very well have stumbled upon the worst Lifetime movie they’ve ever seen (a bold assessment, but Les takes full responsibility for choosing Drunk, Driving, and 17). But before the guys dissect this after school special geared towards adults, they first need to discuss potential celibacy for Blac Chyna. Then they’re able to attend the State-Funded Park Ranger School of Acting End of Year Showcase. The real crime highlighted here SHOULD be the literal grand theft auto, that is never addressed again once the movie gets going (or, rather, puttering), it’s that the parents can do time for playing favorites by allowing sexism to rule as their male oldest underaged teenager ever gets to have a kegger (which is also kind of a key party, maybe?), while their teenaged daughter is banished off to another house for the night. Put on your white jumpsuit so you’re ready to run away from this movie. 

 

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Deep Throat finds Love in the Maldives in a Cult Founded by the Dalai Lama’s Tongue and Ray Parker Jr.

Les, Kurt, and Jason are off to the races immediately when Kurt confuses the theme from Green Acres for a song from The Wiz. Then we find out who called Blac Chyna (aka Angela White aka, possibly, Dr. Angela White) a fake-ass bitch (spoiler: it was her mom Tokyo Toni!). Then, the guys go snorkeling (even though it should have been SCUBA diving) into Hallmark's "Love in the Maldives." Despite it's STUNNING locale and very attractive cast, Kurt found it boring on a level that was... transcendent. But can a movie that may or not feature a gorgeous (potential) cult leader and feature a scene that feels very porn-adjacent really be THAT boring? Maybe! but at least it helped Les find his next favorite pair of yoga pants and helped teach the other Hallmark characters how NOT to c**k block by c**k ENABLING. 

 

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Stalked by My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge is to Eat a Bowlful of oatmeal, a fistful of cabbage, and a Cadbury Egg with Eric Roberts

Les, Kurt, and Jason are beyond excited to dissect what may very well be the Lifetimeiest movie that ever Lifetimed, Lifetime’s masterpiece Stalked by My Doctor: Patien’s Revenge. But first Kurt has an Angela White report (aka a Blac Chyna Report) about the continuing coverage of her makeUNDER. Some are calling it the Blac Chynaissance, and for that we are grateful! Then it’s time to grab a tropical cocktail with Jimmy Buffett Eric Roberts, and settle in for a truly insane entry into the Stalked by My Doctor franchise. It’s got wigs! It’s got black hoodies (3 of ‘em)! It’s got chloroform! It’s got a house that may or may not have a dumb waiter and a fireman’s pole! It’s literally got a full La La Land-esque song and dance number. Kurt may not like the sad trombone, but you’re going to like this movie and this episode of the podcast!

 

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Unthinkably Good Things Can Happen When Rock Hudson Hooks up with Gomer Pyle at a Blockbuster Video

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a long break filled with lots of travel! Les went to New Orleans and Fresno! Kurt went to Fresno, too! And Jason went to Sydney, Australia! But now all 3 are back in their respective homes, though Jason and Les are very much over the unbelievable amounts of rain (and snow!) that LA has been getting. Kurt found out that he is apparently someone’s “hall pass” (but who’s the top?) Plus, there’s a ton of Blac Chyna news all centered on her new makeUNDER. Then the guys are finally ready to head to Tuscany, the setting for Hallmark’s 2022 film Unthinkably Good things. The first film under their Mahogany label (with a largely black cast), the movie is gorgeous, features 3 leads that all have genuine chemistry with one another, deals with real problems, and back to back montages (!) the movie seems so stuffed that it could benefit from spending more time in this world. But that doesn’t mean we need to ever know if one of the characters REALLY think his sheep are his girlfriends. 

 

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The Wedding Veil Journey Into How Questioning Whether Someone Is Actually British Can Backfire Spectacularly

Les, Kurt, and Jason are on a journey into seemingly ALL of the topics including Jason’s (unsurprisingly) unfiltered thoughts on The Fablemans. Then the guys venture down an Andrea Riseborough rabbit hole where they find that Richard Roeper gives no f**ks. Kurt finally got Covid and gets the utter the words “baby bump” as he delivers the news that Blac Chyna may be pregnant with baby #3 (the guys are gonna send a baby basket). Then the guys finally reach their destination: talking about Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Journey starring Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser, set and filmed in gorgeous Greece. The movie just might be named after the band that does the song “Don’t Stop Believin,” and will soon lead to the latest movies in the series The Wedding Veil Combat, The Wedding Veil Throuple, and The Wedding Veil Anal Beads. But don’t you dare bump shame, (though it is ok to have opinions about your spouse’s cooking! PLUS, there’s even an incredible discovery made during this podcast about just how truly British one of the cast members is!

 

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